A blogger who failed to plan for future contingencies falsely claimed I “stole” a domain name she wanted (that I don’t own) and in what I can only describe as a fool’s quest decided to try to publicly shame me by whining about it on a social networking site (and at her blog I assume). I don’t respond favorably to such manipulations but realized this is a teachable moment for the larger issue of the continued elevation of black women. I usually don’t read her blog or converse with her so I was more than a little perplexed why she presumed to determine that I took something from her. She wanted to own a specific domain name based on a blog post she’d written from what I’ve gathered. I also converse with another person who uses an online moniker that could be considered a variation of the phrase she’s claimed as her sole idea so where does it end? The domain name I did buy is also a variation of the phrase but you know how it is when facts get in the way of common sense and decorum. Winning an argument becomes more important than being humble enough to learn a lesson. I didn’t pay the fee to make it a private purchase because I frankly had no idea someone would go off on a public rant nearly eight months after the fact claiming something was taken from them as if it happened yesterday. Doesn’t it suck when you realize you’ve been left behind after the fact? Yet the blame lies squarely with you and no one else. From what I’ve gathered all of the variations of the domain name she wants have been purchased but those sales were made private (for an additional fee) so she can’t rage against them.
Of course the irony is the online moniker she uses is a copy of a famous author’s professional name – but she just pulled that one out of thin air I’m sure (not). What’s interesting to me is the reach and scope of how people come up with their theories and how petty some people are in their selective and collective outrage. I had been offline and when I logged into my account it was if I’d been descended upon by wolves. No – it was some of her readers and quite a few wanna-be cyber bullies whom I’ve had previous dealings with last summer and autumn who fall into the category of males who practice racio-misogyny against many black women and the guard dogs for random black male interests who were so quick to join the fray. These are the males who will sooner or later go off on a black woman and say vile things against them publicly where some other women will express “shock” at their behavior as if it came out of nowhere. If I had wanted to argue or “defend” myself I could have easily been drawn into their never-ending spiral of dysfunction and gotcha moments that should have long been abandoned post grade school. Homey don’t play that!
I did address her directly but she was only interested in arguing – which doesn’t surprise me considering the passive-aggressive, petty way she chose to vent to begin with. Cries of “not fair” will fall on deaf ears when it comes to black women who are slow to act on getting their needs met. This has never been more prevalent now. What I found very telling was her choice to make disparaging comments about my blog forum in retaliation. I used to converse with her occasionally but had long ago identified her as one of those black women who seek to bar other women from exercising all of their options (particularly with regards to interracial dating) because it challenges their personal norms with upholding the failed ideologies of a non-functional black community. How we choose to live should be each woman’s individual choice BUT not being forthright about the current state of dysfunction and giving vital information robs younger girls and women from being able to make quality choices and avoid pitfalls that may take them out. I’ve observed a lot of the simmering hostility some black women have towards those of us with different perspectives who freely express them. Those “nothing-but-a-black-man” type of women can be the worst offenders. I find it somewhat amusing to be categorized as being ruthless though – it’s better than being labeled a doormat!
The lesson I’ve learned and want to share is how earnest women seeking partnerships (romantic or otherwise) who are waiting for the ideal circumstances are losing time they will never get back. Being at the beginning stage of 30 offers a different perspective than at the end of that age spectrum and older when it comes to dating and mating. Black women (in particular African-Americans) are not in a position to put themselves in holding patterns, giving clearly inadequate males 2nd and 3rd chances, make exceptions with no conditions or stay in “wait and see” mode. Which is why while I’m firm with my perspective I am not emotionally invested in trying to convince any woman to do anything but make choices that work best for her. There are some women who read this blog or converse with me in other forums that do not share the same perspectives. That’s fine. What we do share is a mutual respect to live as we see fit. That’s rare because from what I’ve experienced most blacks are very threatened by identifying core issues, challenging failed ideologies and expectations of accountability. People would rather stick their heads in the sand than take definitive action to advance the collective and are first in line to “kill the messenger”. A sinking ship will still hit the bottom of an ocean whether others would deny the obvious or not. As long as someone’s not directly undermining my initiatives in my own space we will simply agree to disagree. We should be able to come into our own at the pace and by the means we choose.
A few weeks ago the moderators of the Some Of Us Are Brave radio show on KPFA used my blog post How Does Fighting For Oscar Grant Benefit Black Women as part of their discussion about the trial aftermath as well as the work of another blogger. Note the stated mission of the program is to uplift black women. They instead used their forum to reinforce their fight against white hegemony, used the familiar racism/slavery excuses and wasted what could have been a wonderful opportunity to encourage black women to reexamine the status quo. They proceeded to trash our posts, belittle the message and even let the station phone ring to not take calls. Clearly they didn’t want any opposing perspective. There are many black women working in direct opposition to other women getting out of the Matrix. They take pleasure in the misery of others. Those women who spend an inordinate amount of time focusing on black male protectionism and black community rescuing expecting a pat on the head won’t be focused on looking out for all opportunities to uplift themselves or in strategizing future endeavors. I’m fairly certain that blogger’s disappointment and misplaced anger will go unevaluated. It’s unfortunate that it was over something that came down to her lack of prioritizing. Black women are facing far more life-altering negative circumstances yet this was what some people choose to rally around. Clearly they’re the ones sitting on the sidelines and worse – throwing gasoline on a fire as the lives of black girls and women continue to spiral downward. This is far more serious than a difference of opinion – it’s willfully imprisoning others. Besides, it’s not my responsibility to ask “permission” from complete strangers whether they may one day want to take a particular action. You have to be quick to seize opportunities and be forward thinking. The consequences may be far worse than mere disappointment.