Will The Real Black Man Please Stand Up?

I’m adding Halima’s latest post http://dateawhiteguy.blogspot.com/2011/02/no-dog-in-this-black-community-fight.html and

the first entry of a new series at Khadija’s http://sojournerspassport.com/as-a-quality-lady-would-think-part-1-a-lady-does-not-try-to-grab-something-in-exchange-for-nothing/

Along with Evia’s latest http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/2011/02/moving-on-february-is-moving-on-month.html

….to this conversation. It’s our propensity for excuse-making and setting no standards for collective behavior or in our (mis)leadership OR relationships so it’s no wonder black women have been brainwashed in an attempt to tape together the rent fabric of the dead black community.

I wrote this post for those black women like Ms. Jina, AGW and others who are still clinging to the old model. For I and a few others who have refused the blue pill and woken up outside the Matrix are but a pebble skipping on the surface of a lake. The ripple effect lasts but mere seconds.  I may be underestimating that so I’ll add that the impact might also be the equivalent of hurling a big rock into the lake that causes a splash.

Either way the point is we are but a blip on your highway so stop focusing on what we’re saying and doing since you have declared we are wrong. Some of you just won’t let it go. You are angry at black men for their failings. You truly want to blame others because you know as a collective they will not take responsibility. Why they often cite you as one of the main causes for their lack of achievement.

I thought I’d give you a blast from the past with this 2006 WaPo article, Singled Out. I wonder what happened to our cast of characters? A BW (non-AA) writer had the nerve to try to piss all over a future article I agreed to participate in for a foreign newspaper that will show BW in a positive light. More on that to follow in a few weeks. Here’s a real dose of black woman desperation that she seemed to be so concerned about (because the article is about interracial dating and connecting AA women with Euro men) —

For Robyn and black women like her — who see their fates intimately bound to black men {STUPIDLY AND BY CHOICE} — life means strategizing and dreaming beyond the numbers in a world where it seems the ground has shifted under their feet.

Robyn hasn’t joined the ranks of black women who are beginning to talk about exploring their options elsewhere.

“I can’t just brush off brothers and say we are in a crisis,” she says. “I’m still a believer.” (And you will perish by choosing to be alone or making a bad selection of mate that will diminish your quality of life)

— one of her “friends” who may refer to himself as a “good” black man

When she met Harry Hughes, he was pining for the woman he said he wanted to marry but had blown the relationship. Now he’s enjoying his single life. And she shakes her head at the doting father of a 6-year-old daughter who this summer said he was dating seven women. (i.e partaking in all the free sex and gifts he could get – you know he wasn’t paying for [all] dates!)

Now, as winter approaches, he has narrowed it to one, dropping the others for various reasons: one, for example, lived too far away; another, he said, was pretty but “dumb as bricks.”

He says, “I understand it’s a jacked-up ratio in this area. I don’t think I’m a player. I just think I am a single man.”  (And who IS this lucky woman OUT OF SEVEN?)

— further into this trash da po’ downtrodden black male complains about having to make more money to match black women (presumably so he can dominate the relationship and be “in control” I’m guessing):

Black men, he said, have to be passive just to get into the professional world, and black women are just the opposite. “The women are so aggressive,” he said. “African American females are so empowered that I think it does carry into relationships. The way I grew up, it was relatively equal, [but] my mom let my dad be a man.”  (We’re overbearing and all-powerful which hurts his little ego)

“The women make more money. Their positions are higher. . . . It really shouldn’t be like that.”

That’s a fine example of Black Love, hmmm?

No, this isn’t a plea from me to you to accept reality. We live in two different worlds. I could suggest very emphatically that you get your house in order before it becomes one of those burning edifices that has long been neglected. You still think you have time, but you don’t.

Since you’ve tied your fortunes and your very lives to the idea of the old model there isn’t anything that anyone can do for you. Not all of you are without resources though. I liken this to the days before Germany was divided by The Wall. It will seem to occur without warning when the dividers are erected in the middle of the night and you’ll be caught on the wrong side.

Instead of spending your time and energies on building your personal infrastructure you are raging at black men about their dating & marrying choices, alternately referring to them as Kings or Dogs, hurling expletives about their non-black women, wincing, waiting, hoping they’ll come to their senses and claim that you can’t stand them and are (almost) done with them. These outbursts and announcements often come one behind the other. You say you don’t want to deal with them anymore, but you still cling to them.

Meanwhile they’re looking at you with contempt because you clearly have no self-respect. Oh, but if you have a resource they can use they won’t hesitate to ask for it – or take it at will.

It’s your life and your choice. When the indoctrination, gas-lighting and propaganda has been pointed out to you, when numerous examples have been offered and you still want to continue using the old model you have made an informed decision.

Then you need to let those other women who do not subscribe to your way of life move freely about their day. You need to let those women who want to try the newer models (for there are many) have the same freedom of choice you do. You don’t get to rage at those who’ve pointed out the odds of the old model continuing are not stacked in your favor. You don’t get to piss all over their baby steps at trying out a new way of thinking and relating. You don’t get to secretly wish they’d fail or actively work against them. You don’t get to mock them. You don’t get to lie about resources that don’t exist to keep them drugged and immobile. You don’t get to give someone sand when they’ve asked for water.

Not without getting your teeth knocked out.


So why did I title this post directed at black men? It was rhetorical. Because I know who was most likely to read it and respond. No woman calling for a man to “stand up” is going to be effective when she won’t set standards for dealing with him. If he can get something for nothing why would he bother? When she’s willing to accept moldy crumbs and make excuses why would he ever move beyond the distance between his sofa and the television the bar has been set very low.

Besides, anyone who has read this blog in depth knows I am not invested in sinking boats, unexamined dysfunction and failed ideologies. I wished black men as a collective Bon Voyage the summer of 2009 when I realized through direct experience how out of touch they were across the board. I’ve had to reevaluate every relationship I’ve had personally and in passing and prune the dead branches one by one.

I have to stop myself from thinking if more black people had their ^&#* together my dimpled, artistic, sweet soul brother would’ve made it to his 22nd birthday that was a waiting for him at the end of the month and year he was murdered. I know I’m not alone.

Perhaps between the denigration, the apathy and the excuses I just don’t care about some random black guy – except in assessing what threat level he may pose. African-Americans are on their way out as the damage to the collective further accelerates.

I’m a woman in a patriarchal society. Jockeying for dominance is a MAN’S JOB. The spoils go to the victors. The losers…oh well. Get up and try again but focus your aggression on competing against men, not on alternately bashing/leeching from the women of your group.

I want black men as a collective to fully invest their energies into getting those non-black women they want, the approval of the white men they claim to disdain and their life of leisurely bliss. I want them to leave black women alone and stop relying on us to sustain them, prop them up and coddle them. I want them to stop talking about us and offering their bad advice. I want them to stop trying to sell us defective products and tell our stories.

I want the whining about their (sole) oppression to stop. Racialized sexism directed at black women doesn’t exist as far as they’re concerned. I want black males to stand up on their own two feet without aid and assistance from us and be the leaders they claim to be.

I just don’t want black women to be the bargaining chip on their loss wager.


Excerpts from: The So-Called Negro Must Do Something For Himself

Today you are standing face to face with the alternative of accepting your own or forever being erased from the earth as a people. No one is trying to make you see this importance but your own. Why do you not see?

You are blindly looking toward the slave-master to tell you this. How can the master tell the slave, “Look, slave, your day has arrived. You should sit in the seat of authority”.

We cannot beg for jobs anymore. We cannot build a future on a job that was given to us by the slave-master 400 years ago. That day has arrived. He has no more work for us to do. He is not willing to tell is that. The time has arrived when deep within his own heart he desires you to go out and find a job for yourself. He will forever be burdened. The burden will get greater and greater as long as he tries to carry (the Black Male Collective).

You demand that he recognize you as his equal. You are making yourself look small in the eyes of the world. If every so-called Negro was fired, what would you do? Would you unite and go to Washington and demand that the government give you a job? You would be foolish enough to do that!

I am with you to go on top. We cannot go on top with weight that is hanging on us. We cannot charge the white man with our faults. We are supposed to have been free. Have we exercised that freedom? We must answer that we have not availed ourselves of that freedom.

And a note to the trolls…don’t even try it!

24 Replies to “Will The Real Black Man Please Stand Up?”

  1. Hmmm, 2006… I used to be all over every single black woman story in the media because I felt they "spoke to me." I missed that one though, and I'm glad I did!

    A lot has changed for me since then, but I'm glad that I remained consistent on one thing. I never had this compulsion to be with a black man at all costs. I simply don't understand that… it's self-imposed conditioning, as one is capable of developing an attraction to and being happy with a good man of any racial/ethnic/cultural background.

    When I was dating, I said that regardless of the man I dated, I would have the same expectations of him. So that meant NO extra concessions to black men based on asinine concepts of how "hard" it is for them out in the world or that I need to go out of my way to show I can be "submissive" to him and tone down my so-called black female aggressiveness.

    Any black woman who subjects herself to such madness is crazy.

      1. "It's hard out there for a pimp according to the song…."

        As Bill Cosby said on Oprah, "Then don't be a pimp. There are other jobs." LOL. That's why some (you know the types) Black folk claim he's racist against Black people.

  2. If I was a black woman touting Black Love, Save Da Brothers, White Men Have Cooties, What About The Racism and other such distractions I’d be feeling increasingly desperate and rather foolish.

    Halima’s post Who’s Zooming Who http://dateawhiteguy.blogspot.com/2010/01/whose-z… -- offers clear evidence of where the hearts of black men fighting the good fight for black freedom against the evil white menz actually lie: in the arms of any random white woman.

    Be they Pan-Africanists

    Be they Black Nationalists

    In the West and everywhere in between

    From the day those enslaved were emancipated, the people disbanded colonial rule, pushed through Civil Rights legislation through today. NOTHING HAS CHANGED, ONLY THE PLAYERS.

    Black men have wailed against white men while bedding their wives and daughters USING black women as their battering rams to break down resistance.
    What have black women gained from this?
    So you see why I’m not interested in the black man’s “plight”? As it is actually the black man’s folly. Don’t tell me who my “natural” partner is supposed to be either. That’s hogwash to base a union that so many uber-fake-religious folks claim is “sanctified” with an AHAB.

    Scratch that, they’re not as clever as he was at being so evil, but they’ve got the using the woman to do their dirty work part down pat.

    They’ve run through so many black women and abandoned their children (even with the non-black women) what’s a smart woman to do?

    Ignore the obvious, be miserable and try to make everyone else just.as.miserable


    Move on to greener pastures.

    That means LETTING GO.

    These “pastures” have been available for a LONG time but were never attended to. The soil has ripened and the is grass plentiful, but alas the gas-lighting effect has left many black women stricken with “Tunnel Vision & Dementia” when it comes to facing REALITY in all its truthiness.

    Too bad for those who choose to remain in the desert. God has left you a path of breadcrumbs and water leading to an oasis but you like rolling in the dirt apparently.

    It’s time you get busy peeling back the layers, lifting to see what is underneath that box of conformity and it’s not a pretty site. Stale, moldy and foul, I bet the stench is overwhelming. Get out the Hazmat gear and clear away the poisons!

    We’ve done our part as The Myth Slayers --

    1. Regarding Halima's post, I see your point on some of the Pan Africanist, but this is no longer the case for the majority of African leaders. And the ones of old came during serious colonialism, so of course they were with whit e women.

      Some of Africa's First Ladies: http://leadershipforhealth.org/media/

      1. Yan -- Welcome and thanks for your comment. I usually don't allow links from new commenters but it looked okay. The point of Halima's illustrious essay was to show a long-standing pattern of behavior. And another part of that conversation we've had one blogger detailed information that certain African govt's stepped in and made it a rule that they enforce about those in leadership roles not being allowed to marry non-blacks (non-Africans). So, it is not a matter of those men wising up and loving the sistas -- it was a REQUIREMENT. You haven't proved anything by showing that photo array when you've ignored the behind-the-scenes policing of behavior that would still exist.

  3. Unfortunately some women are stuck on stupid. I only have to hit my head once or twice before I realize that I should either duck, or take a different route to where i'm going. I don't know how much clearer black males can be in their collective contempt/hatred/dislike of black women. For those of you who simply MUST sign up/sign on for untold abuse from your so called Black Kangs, have at it. Just take your dysfunction/lunacy/insanity to forums that will cater to your
    " Alice in Wonderland " view of the zombieland called the black collective. For all intents and purposes the Real Black Man that we grew up with have all died or are dying ( the vintage of men born before the 60s, and more like the 50s ). These men had pride, were proud to marry their women, took care of their wives and children, worked themselves to early deaths in the hope of providing a better life for their children , were champions of education, self reliance, responsibility and if necessary beating the crap out of anyone who approached theirs in any disrespectful way. This kind of behavior has been replaced with an entire legion of leeches/parasites/criminals/rapists/murderers who feel that women should do the heavy lifting and protect them! If you really feel a 20-60 year old male CHILD is your destiny. . .right this way. Just stay the bloody blazes away from us sane women. In a few years you will be living your nightmare oops I mean dream as the "peace walls" keep you carefully ensconced with your prize. I just hope you have the presence of mind to obtain a firearm to protect yourself from the jackals. When the zombies start taking chunks out of your flesh just remember that people tried to show you the exit. . .which you REFUSED. Great post as always Faith. Your efforts are much appreciated.

    1. Thanks. I do feel these conversations are a retread but I suppose a review is still necessary, but I will be wrapping these up soon regardless. I only want to have things to proceed towards, not look back on.

  4. I totally agree. When I told my friends that I didn't think of black men as the be all end all for my life, they looked at like I was an alien. But i don't subscribe to the notion that just because a man is black that means he is perfect for me. Race is not even in my top 10 of qualities I look for in a mate.

    I just really wish black women would stop coming to the aid of every black man while they are too lazy to do the same for you. Not all black men but enough of them that I am tired of their whining. I got my own problems, worrying about the plight of black men, isn't one of them.

    And the dumbest thing I've heard all week: If Halle's baby daddy had been black, she wouldn't be having this problem. Seriously. Are people really that misguided? SMH

    1. If Halle's baby daddy had been black he still might have tried to sue her for custody -- so she could pay HIM child support! If Gabriel doesn't want to abandon his daughter more power to him. Having no idea what went wrong between them I still think she has to accept some of the responsibility for her relationship demise and her ongoing relationship issues

  5. Hi Faith!,

    I was in the store one day with some friends, and passing by a cash register, I glanced at a Essence magazine that for some reason surprised me. It had a picture of Beyonce and Jay-Z and the main title was "Celebrate Black Love", or something like that…(-_-)

    I guess it surprised me (though I'm not surprised at all any more) that the detractors are still going strong, doing anything it takes! And it's just mind blowing that black women who you think will have their heads on straight will buy that crap! Stop looking for the approval of others, especially those who intend to hold you back! Argh!!!!

    Whoo, it just reaffrimed my beliefs and encouraged me to step my game up on setting the right examples!

    1. "We are supposed to have been free."

      Exactly!!! After I missed the last semester of school working, I came into the New Year with a new attitude! After working in a "serving" position, I'm now even more motivated to blow this degree out of the water. And it's just liberating doing the things that enhance your life. I keep a Sticky Note on my computer that says "Be Proactive in Your Own Happiness". Since I begun making the choices to enhance my own happiness, including losing weight (Kickboxing class will kill you, lol), eating right, joining opportunistic organizations at my campus, casting off negative people in my life (including some family), and joining more networks that have the same interests as me, I feel way more optimistic about where I'm going and what I need to do to get there.

      Thanks to Faith and all the other BWE blogs out there who keep us going!!!! <3

      1. Reading your comments make me soooooo happy!!! You have already arrived in a much better place than so many other BW ever will because they won't try. I bet you could run for President if you decided and get a lot of support for whatever you endeavor to achieve.

        1. Politics…ehh…if they clean up the system, then maybe…hehe

          I'm going for the architecture license or BUST!!! One of my advisors, (she's African American, with a doctorate of philosphy in architecture, someone else with their head on straight!, *dancing for joy*), is helping me stay on course, especially by helping me earn the necessary hours needed so that I can take the licensing exam when I graduate. Although, I have had the desire to go for the doctorate as well.

          1. She actually gave me a copy of her dissertation to read, and it's about improving architectural education, specifically to allow more African American girls to join the field, and some of the things she writes about apply directly back to our curriculum acknowledging the accomplishments that African American men and women have made to the field, race and gender anonimity in the field, and improving ourselves vs. waiting for someone to give us the green light to move on up (the W.E.B. DuBois vs Booker T. Washington debate is an important point she makes). One of her main arguments that she makes is that many African American females don't get into advanced fields like architecture and engineering is because they are not exposed to the history of African Americans as builders, or that there is not "cultural" relevance for them.

            This is very true for my school. There are so many black students in Community Planning, but I am the only black student I know that is a straight out Architecture major. If I can get an electronic copy ans she gives me permission, I'll definitely email it to you! It's great!

    2. Somebody mentioned that cover. Wow being married to a unrepentant drug dealer is so what I'd aspire for my daughter. NOT!

      1. Haha, It's actually starting to become kind of funny because they play them up so hard. 😉

        Matthew Knowles is a pimp…and so is Tina…if they weren't upset about her giving lap dances to Terrance Howard on national tv, they certainly weren't upset about Jay-Z joining the family. Hey, it starts with the parents.

        You'll notice that alot of these artists out here whose music has no value and/or flat out stinks have terrible parents as well…

        1. Oh I remember that. It was one of the last BET Award shows I'd watched until I fell for the Michael Jackson bait and switch. That was pretty gross I thought at the time. No top-selling artist needed to do that. I mean…think about it…Madonna for all of her pushing buttons never crossed certain lines.

      1. My apologies for the late response, forgot to subscribe to comments. 😐

        Doin' alright over here. Glad to escape the madness over there and watching out for/being mindful of any madness over here. 😉

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