Why Is Thinking About Your Needs First Still So Difficult For Black Women?

Perhaps, I should ask why putting yourself FIRST is such an anomaly for some black women who are reading BWE-related blogs? Do those readers ever notice they have failed to apply the basic principles in utilizing their free agency by not being concerned about what other people (be it black males or white women) are doing unless it is negatively impacting their lives?

You’d think women would be far too busy applying their Charm Offensive, Evaluating Men For Alliances and Marriage and continuing their education in the school of life by thinking and acting GLOBALLY. Instead, I keep seeing the same exact conversations resulting from the various straw-man arguments put forth by many women.  It begs the question what some of ya’ll are doing?

You don’t have any time to waste!

I’ve been watching the growing conflict between writers tethered to traditional publishing even after they’ve been shafted in some way, newer writers who are hedging their bets and other established writers who’ve decided to seek better opportunities as they present themselves.  It has been very interesting seeing these industry changes unfold.

You have some who are making fear-based decisions, ready to give up their book rights permanently. They insist traditional publishing is the only way even though they are alternately being raked over the coals and plundered for all their resources. Amongst them are a  select few who might be doing well, but the majority are being used. They’ve forgotten as content providers publishers need them, not the other way around.

The newer writers are busy sitting on the sidelines, coming up with all the reasons why they can’t take control of their careers and list various worst case scenarios so they do nothing. They want everyone to get along so they’ll align themselves with publishers, but not as equal partners negotiating from a position of strength. The don’t see themselves as the ones providing a valuable commodity. They go to the publishers as beggars, willing to be used to be accepted.

The writers who’ve set themselves apart are those who take the time to analyze the business lay of the land, knowing things are in flux, thus staying on their toes. They know what they have to offer is valuable, so they’re going to negotiate for the best deals that work to their interests. They’re not going to tie themselves down to any one model, but are more fluidly seeking out the best arrangements that work at that time.

That’s  more or less the gist of the current situation with writers. What about black women?

I ask this question and use this analogy because it seems the most fitting for those who know their worth and create opportunities that work for them – not against them.  They automatically have high expectations for reciprocity. I found a one particular conversation at two separate forums –  Betty Chambers Has Spoken and Black Women Living Well of great interest.  Both blog hosts were addressing identical “questions” from two black women (or so they claim to be). I found  it very telling how their commenters both made the same false accusations.

It shows just how indoctrinated so many black women are still and how the idea of putting their needs first is such a foreign concept they haven’t considered it. Or, I’ll say even if they venture outside the lines of the “black woman boundaries”, they want to make sure other black women stay firmly put in that box. They’re too worried about some imagined black thought police to haul them away for thinking independently.

As a blog forum host, I’ve seen this response over and over again. I’ve had a lot of black women protesting my discussions about the foul behavior of the black male collective towards black women. It was particularly virulent two years ago and last Spring, but now not so much. People have figured out that I don’t take kindly to being trifled with regarding these matters.

I wonder from time to time, if these women realize how unoriginal their questions are which means their thought patterns and motivations are firmly entrenched in old models that have not and do not work in the best interest of black women. Since they’re reading forums that are challenging the status quo, are they just passing through with blinders firmly attached?

I’ve asked this question in some variation over the past three years, but have yet to receive a satisfactory answer.  For if they actually comprehended the larger discussion at hand – black women free agency – how could they be stuck at zero? Ignorance or willful disdain?  When you see the same arguments repeated in a loop it gets tiresome but the blog hosts answered very patiently. I’m not convinced these were good faith conversations though and there wasn’t some subterfuge at play. I’d be so embarrassed to find myself amongst those recycling the same straw man arguments used by others.

This comment is an excerpt from a reader who claims to be happily attached to  a non-black male while chastising other black women for not hunting high and low for a “good brotha”  — like her brother.  Shouldn’t she be focused on her own life?

I myself am finding happiness right now with a non-black man… but it bothers me when I hear people say things like “I’m done with black men!” and I do hear this sometimes… and it speaks a couple volumes about our own damage when we become so jaded that we can’t see the black men in college because we’re blinded by the black men in jail… I say “to hell with them” if they can’t get their s**t together… but what about my brother?

This reader is a classic Sista-Soldier type, holding it down for the black male race. So…it’s okay for her to seek happiness by being expansive but other black women are still supposed to be mining for gold in the Wild West? Um, I don’t think so! Whether she sees herself as being an enemy to other black women or not, her behavior shows she has not done the necessary mental and emotional work required of a “free” woman. Not if she’s intentionally blocking other black women’s progress!

There is no confusion here. This is deliberate sabotage when you look at things in black and white, then you are either actively supporting or denying opportunities for growth. Being “blind” to it simply means you have closed off your mind to it, not that it isn’t visible. In case you’re thinking I’m being harsh here’s an excerpt from this other reader who emphatically states they are not a Sista-Soldier type but if it it walks and quacks like a duck….

“Um… You judge my intelligence base on a me re-blogging a post about being a Chris Brown fan? Yikes!…and no I do not coddle black men. Everyone should be held responsible for their actions. I am not a sister-soldiering, nothing-but-a-black-man type of girl. I just don’t don’t think it’s right to make generalizations about black men as a whole based on statistics. It’s not right to make generalizations about anyone based on statistics.”

A “Beat Her Down” Brown fan eh? Who claims to support black women? This begs the question of why certain black women are still SOLELY focused on protecting VIOLENT GROWN MEN instead of their own elevation? I could say, they just don’t get it. STILL. And write them off, but I’m hoping those of you reading will finally connect the dots and get away.

  • NONE OF THEIR ARGUMENTS ARE ORIGINAL
  • THEY ARE FOLLOWING A SCRIPT
  • THEY ARE STILL INDOCTRINATED
  • THEY HAVE A LOT OF INTERNAL EVALUATING LEFT
  • YOU CAN’T SKIP STEPS, LEST YOU STUMBLE OVER YOUR MENTAL BLOCKS

I am urging all of you who still think this way while commenting at these forums to stop play-acting at choosing the empowerment lifestyle. You’re compromised and unreliable. This is why I don’t allow this type of nonsense on my blog — nothing ever changes with most of you and it’s a waste of time. Get out of the way so that other women may move ahead of the line. Take the time to really decide what you want and act accordingly.

Some of you want to have it both ways, by pretending to be in support of black women moving forward, but divided loyalties make you a liability. When statistics point to negative conditions that effect a majority of black women why are you going to argue about it? If black males were so concerned about this they would do something to address it!  Women who are serious about their progress must separate from the fence-sitters as well as the direct obstructionists. I applaud both forum hosts for their measured and eloquent responses, but I urge other women to not fall for the con game of these “confused” women. They need to catch up — you should not stop to explain things to them. You might miss your “Love Boat” or have the life sucked out of you by a Zombie walking amongst you. Remember to keep it moving!

45 Replies to “Why Is Thinking About Your Needs First Still So Difficult For Black Women?”

  1. I am a young Black woman in late teens and I am already sick and tired of Black American men. I refuse to spend my money and time on men who don't reciprocate and it goes to the non Black racists and Black women bashers out there as well as Black American men. I don't see why the dysfunctional African American collective wants me to ''protect'', ''cuddle'' and ''uplift'' African American men when they don't protect, uplift Black women or children. Thus I refuse to spend my time on people like that.

    1. SOOOOOOO glad to hear this Adeen!!!! Keep it up! Move forward. vet everyone in your life and ask if they ADD VALUE. Know you are worth it. Be blessed.

  2. I wish we could get PAST PROTECTING BLACK MALES!!-- Males learn to be MEN by protecting and providing for the woman--the only person a woman of any kind should protect is her husband and/or son, if he is small--WOMEN are the ones who should be protected, emotionally, and physically--when we sisters think of ourselves as WOMEN FIRST, black SECOND OR THIRD only THEN, things will change

  3. Perhaps, but my experience from running this forum is the ungrateful and combative attitudes of black women who reserve their vitriol for other black women exclusively. I have yet to see one example of one of these petulant ingrates actually change or ever apologize for their disrespectful behavior publicly to the forum hosts or readers. There are some BW who take time to adjust but they remain in the forums and do the work and prove their value. These drive-by spectators are here to sabotage the work that I do here and I will not stand for it!

  4. And I am officially DONE! Let's retitle this post: "All the Black Women Who Want To See You Trapped In Quicksand Are Gonna Be Mad We Warned You To Avoid It"!! I call any black woman who wants to do the research and create a blog landing page that discusses BWE "101" and — gets it approved can do that right now if she is so inclined. You know..to add value instead of creating conflicts and demanding mammydom from the rest of us. I'd also like to see some of you who are so outraged by this post spread that over to the BW & BM who defame and damage the well-being of black women. Oh, but wait. Supposedly speaking the truth is somehow beating up on black women and setting standards is wrong. Because you're still firmly implanted in the Matrix and refuse to take the red pill. Or you're out but you've put a broomstick over the door so others can't leave. Yeah…ok…got it!!!

  5. (continue previous comment)
    The more black women (and men) who think for themselves and leave that hood mentality behind them, the more SUCCESSFUL black women we'll begin to see and the more SUCCESSFUL black relationships will begin to develop. I have a GREAT man and he's as dark as the deepest sea and I love every inch of his chocolate skin… He's not perfect, but he's mine and as long as I know how to make myself happy, he can't fail or disappoint me! Love yourself first…

    1. I'm glad that you are happy and have a fulfilled relationship. That's what the BWE movement strives for each woman to be partnered with the highest caliber mate of ANY RACE because the woman has positioned herself and vetted them. I was being all-inlcusive, but let me be clear that for hetero women that means marriage, not cohabitation until the laws change that allow for everyone the right to wed.

  6. I have been beatdown (verbally AND mentally) by men and women alike for my point of view when it comes to black men (or black ppl in general). Why do we pretend to be blind? I can see just as clearly as Jim Bob (my white counterpart) that MY people are failing in so many ways and we don't have to. I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE… I mean… I AM ONE, but that doesn't mean I can't see that we need to do better! Individually and as a whole, We have been moving backwards and being counterproductive for so many years that we're headed back to slavery and before we realize it, we'll be shackled and chained and won't be able to do a damn thing about it!!
    I am doing everything in my power to teach my children to be PROUD, black… dark skinned…. individuals and to live ABOVE the stereotypes (however true they may be). I can't stop the violence, I can't keep my "brothers and sisters" from trying to pull me down, but I CAN teach my children to do things differently, to think differently and to lead by example.

    1. Eboni Stephae : Kudos to you! I was going to ask if you had help with this and I see you've mentioned in your second reply about having a man who loves you.. Brava. It's challenging for anyone raising kids in today's environment, but those parents who plan accordingly are able to pave the way for great things to happen with them, like Kate Middleton's family has.

  7. We are trained at a young age to think of black men first, to the point of our own self sacrifice.

    And that one woman is a trip. "But my brother is a good man!!!" Yeah, one drop in the sea of sharks that would have no problem ripping black women to shreds if push comes to shove. Black solidarity is done. Black women need to get their lives together, forget the nonsense that these fools are feeding us.

    The truth hurts, but it will also set you free.

    1. Yes, the truth may be painful for those who were holding onto false ideologies, but the gains for having a higher quality life certainly outweigh it. Indifference is the key and fast removal from toxic people and environments. Thanks for your feedback.

  8. "Some of you want to have it both ways, by pretending to be in support of black women moving forward, but divided loyalties make you a liability. When statistics point to negatives conditions that effect a majority of black women why are you going to argue about it? If black males were so concerned about this they would do something to address it! Women who are serious about their progress must separate from the fence-sitters as well as the direct obstructionists."

    This is it right here!

      1. Thanks!! I don't want to come off rude, but I'm not going to dumb things down for people either. These women aren't stupid and if they are, it's by choice.

        "You might miss your “Love Boat” or have the life sucked out of you by a Zombie walking amongst you. Remember to keep it moving!"

        I have to remind myself about that. All these little side projects I'm working on are not going to finish themselves : )

        1. As I told you before, I think you're doing a great job and it's nice to see younger women like yourself who can speak to other women in your generation avoid the pitfalls of mine.

  9. The best bet for black women is to learn how to be ambivalent toward black men. In fact, I believe that is what divestment essentially is because when you are ambivalent to something you're not emotionally or financially invested in it. Most black women aren't ambivalent toward black men they either absolutely love them or are bitter toward them (sometimes with just reason). Love and hate are too emotions that can be physically and psychologically draining and cause people to do some crazy things like disregard their own well-being. The best bet is to simply disengage. For example, I don't care or comment on what the latest black male celebrity is up to as long as he's not endangering the life of a black woman. I don't care or comment on the fact that my black male co-worker only wants to date, marry, or associate with non-black women. I simply don't care, comment on, or take action about the feelings, wants, or needs of random black males and others who aren't sincerely concerned about my welfare.

    How do you know that someone cares about you? Just ask whether they reciprocate the support, love, friendship, respect, etc. that you show them. If they don't, seriously consider limiting the amount of time and energy you expend on those relationships. In the past, I've spent too much time trying to convince folks who didn't care about me to like me when I should have spent more of energy finding like-minded people who wanted my company. That's what black women are doing when they get into heated exchanges with internet trolls, argue with a black male acquaintances about how they shouldn't write off all black women because there are good black women out there, play wifey for men in order to convince them to marry you, or go out of their way to praise good black men even when those men aren't talking or thinking about them. Disengage, and you'll find that you are happier and have more energy to pursue your dreams.

    1. Thanks for your input, but I don't know if the long-term interests of black women who want to thrive would be best served by ambivalence. Certainly doing a complete audit of the behavior of the collective is in order and the appropriate reaction to that. Then they need to do the internal work to dismantle all useless ideologies and get rid of toxic people. The key component to moving on is getting away from the zombies and vampires physically. Afterwards, they have to take stock in all the ways they've supported their own destruction -- some of which was done inadvertently. The next phase is INDIFFERENCE. Ambivalence as it is defined still implies some emotional investment. If you've removed ALL leeches, who do you have to be wary about? Evaluating relationships -- ALL OF THEM- is something women who value themselves and place a premium on their time and resources does AUTOMATICALLY. Or at least those who are taking steps to improve their lives will begin doing so after this period of adjustment is completed. Then further refinement and goal-achievement is the continued renewal phase of her life -- along with securing her future and any offspring she may have. She'll be far to busy being loved and cared for and shrewd in her personal relationship investments to be "worried" about others. They will be vetted and eliminated as necessary. Setting standards is the key and understanding she CAN set standards, HIGH standards is vital.

  10. that's why there are archives though. people want to be spoonfed information when they can do what I did, which was to simply go back and read all of the amazing GOLD knowledge that was put out there already by Khadija, Faith, Halima, Evia, etc

    1. I understand what you mean Vonnie. When I first found out about BWE I also spent time reading the archives. I still read the old stuff on Khadija's blog. But it can be hard to find the answer to a specific question just by searching through the archives on a blog. When I wanted to find out what 'divestment' was I did a google search for it but Rev. Lisa who originated the term has made her blog private. So I searched some more and found a post over at What About Our Daughters where different bloggers who use the term were giving their opinion on what it means. Even though I found the answer to what I was looking for, some women are still going to have questions about 'exactly' what it means to divest, especially when you find so many different responses to what divestment actually means.

      I'm just trying to say that we can't allow ourselves to get flustered by people who are new to the movement--and I'm still EXTREMELY new myself--but instead just point them to the right place and let them know that it's their resposibility to get up to speed when we don't want to rehash the same old story.

      1. Ah Jamila, you are a relative newbie and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this subject. Here's the issue I have and what has happened for those BWE messengers who are SERIOUS about the message: YOU DO NOT HAVE ANYTIME TO WASTE!!! I know we say this and people nod their heads, but they IGNORE this vital piece of the message. If your house was on fire are you going to stand around and debate with someone how they tell you to GET OUT BEFORE YOU DIE!? Are you going to say you need a full explanation of why the house is on fire to act? There are women who do join the forums every day in fact, but if you're being given life-saving and life-affirming information for FREE how are you going to tell someone else how to dispense it? What an insult! I get what you're saying, but I HAVE been around this block several times, so trust me when I tell you there are more SPECTATORS AND TALKERS clogging up the wire than DOERS. Those women who want to LIVE and LIVE WELL, take initiative. IF anyone has a legit question I and others have provided means to contact us. See my email on the right. Since MOST women don't bother, I take it that they either are applying things for their benefit or NOT. I am not responsible for "saving" anybody else but ME. You and everyone else have been given tools, but you have to use them and implement them. This attitude of "gimme" is a problem. That's why you're not seeing the BWE message being done in a way you may be used to. I have not signed up for MAMMY duty. YOU are SOLELY responsible for yourself from Day One. Again, if a teenager needs some guidance I'd be more than happy to have a conversation under certain parameters of course! A grown woman should be willing to take some steps on her own and SUPPORT the BWE work with more than lip service. I expect reciprocity even at this beginning level. I understand this is a foreign concept to many, but that's why this is legit and why I practice what I "preach" about boundaries, standards and vetting people. I fully support every woman having the best life imaginable, but I will not allow anyone to climb over me, use me until I drop or take advantage of the work I do at this forum (YES IT IS W-O-R-K) especially when 99% of those women are not going to change at all! Out of the hundreds of thousands of lurkers who come to this forum every month I can estimate a few dozen have made serious changes. This is entertainment for others, while plenty are monitoring what goes on here to either exploit for their own purposes, water down the message or gauge how many women are serious. I'm glad that a lot of you don't actually comment on the public forum and email me privately, but it would certainly be beneficial for those who are serious about making changes understand quickly that it's up to them to do ALL of the work. These conversations are about pointing you in the right direction, not resolving your life issues for you. Any questions they have will be answered during that process, we're not going to SPELL it out for you. Do the work and the answers will come. It's a stalling tactic for those who want a guarantee or to skip steps. 99.999% of the work involved is INTERNAL and requires a change in mindset and raising one's expectations. I cannot do that for any of you. Those who have processed the message can do a service to some of the newbies by providing some "limited" information about their own personal journeys if they feel up to sharing. It shouldn't be a requirement though.

        1. "If your house was on fire are you going to stand around and debate with someone how they tell you to GET OUT BEFORE YOU DIE!?"

          No, I wouldn't debate with that person. But for many black women their house is not on fire--fire is really easy to see. For the majority of black women its moreso a situation of being a frog in a pot of water and the heat is slowing going up and up. Just as they start to realize something is wrong they become acclimated to the higher temperature and go back to doing what they were doing while being slowly cooked.

          1. No! Their houses ARE on fire and if they're too stubborn to see that, smell the smoke and get out, there's another woman next door to them who WILL. Sorry…not buying it, but nice try. I need to ask you why you insist on spending so much time defending this? How does this benefit YOUR life? Are you serious about thriving? Then don't worry bout other women. We are each responsible for saving ourselves. If I throw out a life vest you have to put it on and swim. I'm not going to do that for you. At this point we can agree to disagree as I've spent enough time discussing this with you. Your agreement or understanding is NOT required. I've let you know what MY standards and boundaries are. They're not open for discussion or debate.

          2. " I need to ask you why you insist on spending so much time defending this? How does this benefit YOUR life?"

            I don't believe that I'm defending it, more like trying to 'explain' and 'elucidate' it. I was once a psychology major, have a strong interest in studying behavioral modification, and might eventually go to grad school for a Ph.D in Applied Behavioral Analysis. I also currently volunteer at an aquarium and have spoken with some of the behind-the-scenes people about how the dolphins and other animals are trained. Basically, I have a keen interest in human and other animals behavior.
            I know that you can't immediately expect someone to change after hearing the message one time (or a dozen times). If they do change, that's great, but it's rare.

            So I'm saying that BWE bloggers should remain open to modifying the delivery of their message--NOT watering down the message--in order to attain maximum effectiveness and that they hopefully will not lose their ability to remain patient while the message is being disseminated.

          3. Yes, it is as I thought. And I say NO. I will NOT be modifying, watering down, hand-holding, coddling anything or anyone. That is not the purpose of the BWE message. I have drawn a sharp line in the sand and there it will remain.

          4. "So I'm saying that BWE bloggers should remain open to modifying the delivery of their message--NOT watering down the message--in order to attain maximum effectiveness and that they hopefully will not lose their ability to remain patient while the message is being disseminated."

            They always reveal their true intentions in the end…

          5. BWLW: Don't they! Except for your dissenter, Goldenah's and Jamila are all the same and rather obvious from a mile away after you've dealt with these types before. Which is the majority of women who are reading (and not acting on the message of) these forums. I'm not a Sista Soldier -- yet they're carrying water for the dead black community. I'm not asking for a watered down message -- but they want ME to cater to them. As if! Anyway, I left that entire exchange occur as is because in a post where I discuss the sabotage attempts and general flakiness of these black women, here another one comes along who has claimed to have been helped by the BWE message previously try to hijack my forum and what I do where she has given NOTHING in return. At the end of the day it is up to you readers to either take heed of the title of this blog ACTS OF FAITH i.e taking action, not being spoon-fed and babied. I also expect some backbiting across other forums if I chose to pay attention to that sort of five eyar old behavior. It is ALL SO TYPICAL. This is boring and irritating to repeat the same things 12 ways to Sunday and STILL someone is going to whine about "but I don't like what/the way you're saying this". Then I say you will drown when the levees break because you were forewarned to get outta dodge!

        2. "There are women who do join the forums every day in fact, but if you're being given life-saving and life-affirming information for FREE how are you going to tell someone else how to dispense it?"

          I finished reading a book a while ago by Ira Chaleff called The Courageous Follower.One of things he says in the book is that good followers have to be willing to voice their opinons and to sometimes dissent. This also falls right in line with what BWE bloggers have been telling black women: you may be doing ok but you are not achieving OPTIMALLY. And if we are not willing to reevaluate our own behavior when offered constructive critique, how can we expect black women in general to be willing to listen to a critique of their behavior?

          I've followed my own advice and started an FAQ/most commonly asked questions area on my blog. Its more effecient for me to create a "one-stop" type area than to expect people to dig for basic information or respond to individual emails. It requires a bit more effort upfront but its a time saver in the end and will result in less frustration for me.

          1. Every forum host can run their house as they see fit. I consider this training for those who wish to free themselves. I had to do it. I was a reader who started a forum. I quietly observed before making demands. I contributed actively and added value before making demands. I financially contributed to the work before making demands. I have actually not made demands that I’m aware of, but my point is I let the others confirm I was contributing in kind for months before I ever tried to claim I was a BWE messenger in fact. I knew I needed to be tested and prove myself. These others are coming here with a huge sense of entitlement and are insincere. When I see them contributing actively for a period of time and can gauge their efforts are being reciprocated I'll consider relenting, but until then…forget it! My experience has shown MOST of these women are NOT serious and are full of it. They're messing it up for everybody else. Well.. they would if they would be allowed to. See me in three years Jamila after you've touched the 3rd rail and had to deal with trolls and infiltrators, posers and whiners. I've walked in their shoes, let them walk in mine.

    2. I've promised to pull the posts and compile them into several e-books and I WILL…at some this summer…it's on my To-Do List!!! I'm going to CHARGE for this when people can can now get this information for free. It admittedly does take several hours to go through archives and these posts go back several years now…so I realize most people don' want to do tat.

  11. As long as black women continue to stumble upon the black female empowerment message and the movement grows there are going to be a new crop of women every 6 months to a year who ask the same questions. I know that it can be frustrating to deal with them, especially if you are one of the few established BWE bloggers like yourself but we have to continue to deal with them because they can't be expected to come into the movement at the 'leader' level with a complete understanding of BWE from day one. I think the best solution is to refer to them to the website "Telling Black Women the Truth" or each blogger creating a BWE 101/"most commonly asked questions" page. This way you can point these women to the right place without having to continually waste time trying to bring them up to speed.

    Sister-Soldier City wasn't built in a day; we can't tear it down in a day either.

  12. 🙂 Delurking! The comment raised a flag for me too! Glad to hear you speak on it. At this day and age and at this point in time, ALL black men are suspect, EVEN my brother. The house is still on fire, ladies! I have been trying to convince my friend, who just got her J.D., not to marry her old high school boyfriend with 5 kids and 3 baby mamas (no ex-wives)…she's just buying the Penis King presentation, hook, line and sinker. (sigh) And then that gives HIS friends encouragement that they can go and get their broke butts a doctor or a lawyer too. Thanks for offering a sane viewpoint in this bizarro world black folk live in.

    1. Buffy -- Hello and thanks for delurking. I am very curious about all of you readers who don't comment! Are you finding this information useful? Has your life improved or is this a mere confirmation of how you've already been living? I'd appreciate the feedback and you may do so privately if you prefer. I shudder to think about the poor lifespan your friend is running towards when there's an entire WORLD f men, great men out there. Black women are the ONLY group who chooses death over life when it comes to this level of foolishness. She'll learn after this dude has knocked her up and drained her of her resources. If she continues down this path you'll be able to chart her demise step by step with how quickly the life force gets sucked out of her and how bitter and defensive she becomes. So sad…and so completely unnecessary!

    2. I noticed you did not say anything positive about your friend's soon to be. Your friend is going to be so very sorry.

      My co-worker's daughter just received her masters degree and is working at a job she likes. BUT, she became pregnant for this guy who lives out-of-state. He supposely owns one or more night clubs in his home state. My co-worker says so far he has not sent any money to help her daughter, she is due in July. The daughter is smart, pretty and a nice young woman. Her mother warned her about the guy. The daughter probably thought he would be different from other guys. Different would have been if he would have married her first? The daughter hated the idea of moving in temporarily with her mother and grandparents; but, she had to since she was going in July. She gave up a nice apt. in a city that she liked. Now alot of her free time will have to be devoted to her newborn. She will have to curtail running to the next party or the next road trip.

      Young ladies you notice the daughter is the one giving up things? And, the father to be? Probably, looking for his next conquest.

      1. If more people would just be honest and state it plainly: this guy is probably a feral beast who didn't have a daddy and doesn't know how to be a man. He is a predator looking to get his rocks off and dump you. He never gave a &*^% about you it was all about sex and penis size glory for him as that's how he identifies himself, NOT by being an upstanding male akin to greater society" MAYBE they'd listen, but I doubt it. These women have been brainwashed. They don't get it. Be they 14, 24, or 45 some women are going to continually be DBR canon fodder. THIS is why such nonsense about "changing the message" and making it more palatable" is total BS.

  13. "What about my brother?" No she didn't!!

    WTH?! What do you mean "what about my brother"? What about me?!

    THAT just threw me off for real!

    The strawman arguments are getting ridiculous now. It seems she doesn't realize that there are plenty of DBR men trolling college campuses across the country. Education does not equal moral values and common sense. I'm guessing this person couldn't cut it outside of the Matrix, and, in one last ditch effort, is trying to pull some folks back in with her. By deflecting the problem to worrying about what will happen to all the single black men out there, I guess she expects us to drop what we're doing and run to the rescue. No thanks.

    "What about my brother?" WOW. That is some shameless selfishness right there.

    1. I know your response was written in all seriousness, but I am cracking up reading it. I know I know….the nerve of someone like her! There's another BW blogger married to a white man, who grew up in a more privileged background who takes issue with the use and analysis of the term DBR. I was "shocked" when I found out as she complained about this in 2009 and I had completely missed this bit of vital info about her. Since I wasn’t a regular reader of her blog I had had no idea. I think some wouldn've tried to label her a BWE messenger…but no she isn't!! If she is living well and really never had any DBR experiences to contend with how the heck was she going to discount the hundreds of women who had and tell them to hold out for your Black Prince, that one "good" brotha! I tell ya, black women are so tethered — even more than we realize — even when they have NO reason to be — and we have to watch them like a hawk. This is why I will continue to speak about the BWE imposters because they are zombies and vampires in our midst ready to take us out when they notice we're getting too far ahead. Black women must VET everyone — including ME!!!

  14. wow, what an awesome piece. the 2nd example of the woman from the bw living well tumblr was going through some serious mental gymnastics to come to the the conclusion that she is not doing what she clearly is doing. some of these people just need to stay over in black thinktank land and not even bother. they CONTINUE to exhibit this "you have to make the bwe message sugar coated and to my liking OR ELSE nah nah nah I won't follow or hear it" AND??? Khadija or Halima had a great piece on that about how they shouldn't have to FORCE you to want to live better or think better, it's not their job to coddle and make you listen to the bwe message. hell, BOTH of them probably had a piece like that. what is wrong with these deranged women? dbr as well

    1. I think we've all written about this at some point. The behavior, motivations and responses are all the same but from different people. This is why it gets tiresome and some of us want to put the kibosh on having our time wasted by those who are not serious about changing or recognizing things as they really are. I'd like there to be balloons and ponies as well, but that isn't the case so….. As adults we have to take responsibility for our lives. Making mistakes is part of that growth process but the point is we have to GROW. Most of these people would have us circling the drain and I can't abide by that. For those that want fantasies, magical thinking and stalling tactics there are plenty of other forums for you to go to but you will not get that HERE!

    2. I want back and read the links within the second link. It turns out that the girl who was saying she didn't want to subscribe to 'bw living well' was just a teenager. I would hardly even call her a woman at this point. If she hasn't had much experience in the dating scene, hasn't done much travel, and is basically only exposed to the normal commentary of the 'black community' then she really doesn't even know enough to have her opinions taken too seriously. She just doesn't have the experience required to offered an informed commentary on what BW should be doing.

      I'm hoping the BWE message sinks in to her before she make some mistakes that can't be undone and that she gets the picture while she still has plenty of time to live an optimal life.

      1. That's up to her. If she can take that much time and effort to defend mess, then she will also sit in it and live with it. Sometimes it does take months or years for some women to connect the dots. That's her journey. We are not stopping or slowing down lest we get derailed completely. You need to understand the full scope of the BWE as a social justice movement as well. One that is uncompromising and steadfast. One that has withstood the initial attacks and has had much success. One that has naysayers, fake BWE messengers, supporters of BWE-lite which would render it completely useless and those who are going to come along and make a grab for BWE “spokesperson” or claim they've supported it all along. NO! Not on my watch and not in my forum. Get on board or get out the way!! This is life and death.

  15. I think people are just afraid to speak in extremes, i.e. most/all of X group are such and such. They've been taught that this is stereotyping, discrimination, etc. And of course blacks are taught to protect one another (i.e. black males, mostly). People also have to realize that one can make generalizations without condemning every member of a group. The woman in the first comment isn't the only one with a black brother.

    1. Most people only worry about speaking in "extremes" when they're trying to MINIMIZE the obvious. Only black women seem to take EXTRA offense to calling a spade a spade. It is NOT an extreme to point out the mass diseased-destructive behavior of the BLACK COLLECTIVE. Everybody else already knows how dysfunctional blacks are. This ain't "NEW" or NEWS. People need to STOP trying to fool themselves when they already KNOW it's a cesspool. Those women are just more of the same arsenal of vampires who are blocking YOUR progress in life. Perhaps, not yours personally Alee, but I'm speaking of other women. I entertained those types at the beginning of this forum. Heck, I allowed one misguided woman 6 comments over my Evaluating Men #8 post who tried to pull that same nonsense about her "good brother". Same argument but what has IMPROVED for the MASSES of black women and girls? NADA!!! My "good" brother — who WAS in fact was murdered in 2006 by a miscreant. I bet you someone from his pack of feral beasts would claim he was "good" as well. Except for the murdering another male part, huh? I am NOT the one to play around with this sort of "confusion" because people are dying over it. Literally.

      1. True, true. But some people don't actually realize when they're in a bad position because they know no other way of being. They think it's normal or not that bad!

Comments are closed.