Weak-Willed Men & What the Death of Steve McNair Teaches Us

Athlete Steve McNair was found murdered this weekend with a young woman who was not his wife. Someone asked why it mattered that the woman who died with him was white. Of course it matters but not for the reason some of you may think. This isn’t going to be a bash-the-white-skinned-woman rant. Or chiding the black man for chasing the white flesh, lol! This is something that happens every day after all and has for hundreds of years since Frederick Douglass was a freed slave to now.  That is nothing new.
The fact is McNair was in some stage of an adulterous relationship with this woman when he was married. He hadn’t bothered to try to conceal it from his wife either. When it was publicized he had been murdered there was an immediate response where people talked about his career achievements and the celebrity worship of an athlete was in full effect. I didn’t see a lot of responses that addressed the blatant disrespect shown to the surviving spouse. Well he didn’t die in an accident, he died as a result of the choices he made about whom he associated with. I see this is a huge character – lack of – issue.
Sure there are two sides to every story, blah blah blah. He was cheating on his wife with a 20 y.o. waitress and by doing so had intentionally abandoned his family. So the sympathy should be reserved for Mechelle McNair and their four children who will certainly hear some horrible things in school and have to live with not only the loss of a husband and father but the public spectacle as more salacious details are revealed. This is also a lesson in how compromising standards in relationships won’t slow its demise.
So this is where (other) white people (and other groups as well) come in. Here you have a well-known black male athlete who’s running around town with a young woman and gets himself killed. We also have no idea that she actually murdered him. The truth of what really happened may never be made public – and perhaps that’s best. Sure you have your Sanfords, your Clintons and whoever else gets busted but whites (males) are still the majority population and dictating most of the terms under which we live in this society. Racists and regular people alike take notice the massive dysfunction going on in what’s left of the black community. That’s why it matters. It’s not about what they think, it’s about the dismissal of the offenses to the wife and children by other blacks.
Some black people seem to be missing the larger issues and are focusing on the wrong things. As someone mentioned in another forum, it’s a shame when so many black men can be described by a Britney Spears song: Toxic, Circus and Womanizer. Haven’t we seen enough of that on display this past week? The dysfunctional behavior is RARELY correctly addressed. It’s barely even acknowledged let alone being brought to the forefront to be resolved. It’s why so many were confused about whether the BET Awards were a sad display of depravity. Umm hello – yes!! It’s why those of us who should’ve known better (like me) should NEVER have watched it.
McNair nearly won a Super Bowl and had made a successful NFL career for himself. He had a family and presumably some money. Let’s just say it all went to his head a little. Somehow I think if you’re going to cheat at least find someone that has some stature or something equally important to lose so that it remains discreet. What does it say about his self-esteem and outlook that picking up a young woman with no significant career achievements was such a thrill for him? That it was her youth, naivete and/or white skin that was the draw? 

Where was that steely resolve he used to build his career and generate wealth when it came to fulfilling his role as the head of his family through his actions and honoring his commitments to them? This seems to be a key missing component with a lot of black men today and it needs to be addressed BY OTHER MEN, not women. You know, the “good men” and “community pillars”. You know who you are as I’ll get several messages from women claiming you. Your silence is deafening!

This is why black women really need to pay attention. You can love and devote your entire existence to a significant other, but find they never really valued you for who and what you are at your core. The main goal for a hetero woman who wishes to reproduce should be finding and keeping a man of substance so her life is less likely to be one of hardships – and scandals. The man must have more going for himself than “simply” being famous or achieving career success, money or accolades. It’s best to not be solely looking at the phenotype of a man or insisting he has to be a black and no one else will do. We do not belong to black men and we can’t “save” the black community. We do not belong to anyone but ourselves!!!
We all deserve to  be with someone who values us and our relationship. This isn’t to say that people don’t make mistakes, but you’d think after all McNair supposedly achieved in life this was who he was interested in, not another woman of equal stature or achievement. He was that weak and insecure. That woman may have ended up being the last woman he’d cheated with but she probably wasn’t the first. Now she’s lost her life as well – all for a fantasy.
I’m not here to pass judgment but to make an observation of the things that go on with regards to blacks. That means covering our sorrows as well as triumphs. That means speaking directly to the ones bearing the brunt of the grunt work with none of the glory: black women. Some asked if this would be an incentive for men to curtail their infidelity – of course not! Someone’s always thinking they’re the “exception”.
What was the last profile piece of achievement you’ve heard of:  Serena Williams winning Wimbledon. Again I submit not one personal scandal from either tennis champ, just a lot of jealousy and animosity from competitors to commentators. Black women had better take heed to the real deal: the black men and black community has (collectively) long been gone and trying to hold onto the concept is like grabbing onto sand. The harder you grab and try to hold on the faster it slips through your fingers. Stop wandering the desert and step onto fertile land. Let it go and live your best life possible. A life that is determined by you being fully functioning, independent and free.

11 comments to Weak-Willed Men & What the Death of Steve McNair Teaches Us

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Anonymous: Your comment got deleted in a batch if you wish to resubmit pls select a name for yourself

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Lauren: Yeah I know not many believe the Mrs. was as oblivious as is being stated. Women make compromises far too often when it counts the most. I hope the family is financially ok at least and she can learn & move on. Kudos to you for having such standards. They'll serve you well.Brother OMi: The worship of McNair as an athlete god was immediate. Even I noticed it. Priorities must be set to prevent the spiral into madness. Oops too late!

  • Brother OMi

    "he died as a result of the choices he made about whom he associated with. I see this is a huge character -- lack of -- issue. " thats all that needs to be said. If he played his position as a husband and father, he would be alive today. When this first went down, my heart immediately went to his wife and FOUR children. As more news came in, my heart sank. It's bad enough to learn that a loved one was murdered but to learn information that you probably didn't know about? I do get tired of athletes being applauded for their skill on the field when things like this go down. His work as a football player is OUTSIDE of his job as a husband and father. In this case, his skill on the field shouldn't even be mentioned.

  • Lauren

    ActsofFaith: I also find it very difficult to believe she was WHOLEY unaware of what her husband was doing. It is likely that he manifested such behaviors early on, if not throughout, their entire relationship -- before and after they got married. Very rarely do NFL and NBA wives, and really wives in general, not know what is going on with their husbands. If they do not, I believe it is because they are IGNORING their intuitions or upon confronting their husbands are persuaded that they are "imagining things." There are exceptions, but I believe they are rather far between.I dated two football players while in undergraduate, both of whom are in the NFL now, and it was easy for me to see they were unfaithful. I dropped them BOTH! I said that I would not be one of many for anyone or for any amount of money!I am not surprised folks want total absolution. I am also not surprised by those who are claiming to be deeply moved by what they define as a tragedy. I don't condone murder … But I'd be stretching to call this a tragedy for anyone but those four kids. And maybe not even them! I wouldn't want such a man to be providing an example for my children.

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Lauren: Well as I said I have more sympathy for the wife and kids. Supposedly she did not know….but I have to admit I'm skeptical. Being willfully ignorant and completely unsuspecting are not the same thing. But it goes back to those standards and boundaries and adhering them. What I found interesting was actress Holly Robinson Peete was on Twitter discussing her thoughts on this and her husband asked her to stop talking about it. I thought she was willing to give Steve a LOT of leeway but apparently some ppl were still wanting total absolution w/no responsibility. SMH.Khadija: Well some of these things need to be said. We can still have empathy and sympathy without turning a blind eye. Yes the Williams Sisters are usually exemplary. I heard some mumblings about Serena not being gracious but I suspect it has to do with her lack of groveling that so many want to see.

  • Khadija

    Faith,Ameen! ["Amen!"]Thank you for all of that. Especially the part about Venus and Serena. I've been annoyed about the deliberate (mis)coverage of them for years. And our general acceptance of it.Peace, blessings and solidarity.

  • Lauren

    In hearing this story I did not feel sorry for Steve McNair or for his mistress. In many ways, my sympathy was also extremely limited for his wife because she ALLOWED this type of behavior from her husband. I felt bad for the children!You said: "Where was that steely resolve he used to build his career and generate wealth when it came to fulfilling his role as the head of his family through his actions and honoring his commitments to them? This seems to be a key missing component with a lot of black men today and it needs to be addressed BY OTHER MEN, not women. You know, the "good men" and "community pillars". You know who you are as I'll get several messages from women claiming you. Your silence is deafening!"THANK YOU for this! I had a long discussion with one of my best friends a few months ago. We were talking about the issue of street and club harrassment -- where men not only address you inappropirately but also have the nerve to lay hands on your body! We both strongly believe that all of this type of behavior is linked to a crisis of manhood and masculinity amongst black men, in which they define themselves primarily through the physical. And guess what? Black women CAN NOT and SHOULD NOT fix this! This is something black men MUST resolve for themselves, but likely will not.

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Focusedpurpose: Welcome and thanks for visiting! Are you back to blogging regularly?

  • focusedpurpose

    amen and amen!thanks for speaking the truth without apology. blessings,focusedpurpose

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Sassy J: Thanks!

  • Sassy J

    snip This is why black women really need to pay attention. You can love and devote your entire existence to a significant other, but find they never really valued you for who and what you are at your core. The main goal for a hetero woman who wishes to reproduce should be finding and keeping a man of substance so her life is less likely to be one of hardships -- and scandals. The man must have more going for himself than "simply" being famous or achieving career success, money or accolades. It's best to not be solely looking at the phenotype of a man or insisting he has to be a black and no one else will do. We do not belong to black men and we can't "save" the black community. We do not belong to anyone but ourselves!!!snipThat pretty much sums it up right there!