I’m still trying to figure out what I want to write about so for now I’m just gonna post whatever I feel like with no rhyme or reason. I’m still debating whether I want to be light and airy or fire and brimstone about the state of the world and how greed and corruption is killing us all, lol. I have little interest in writing about politics non-stop and because so many other blogs focus on the same stories and drink from the same fountain it gets kinda boring after a while. I’m also going to Denver next week to experience the sights and sounds of this Democratic Convention all the folks are talking about. Nope I am not credentialed. The thought had not even occurred to me that I could just go even if it meant going solo, not knowing anybody and not having made arrangements for a place to stay either. I found a generous soul who offered a spot to crash for 4 days without seeing it as a money-making venture. I’m less than 1,000 miles away so the plane fare wasn’t dirt cheap but it was less than $250 so I just said, “Go for it!” to myself.
I need to give myself lots of pep talks these days. I am struggling and want to be more positive, positive period, because thoughts become actions so the saying goes. I need some things to change in my life. Namely where I live and how I live. I need to earn a living doing what I love, not just have a j-o-b. Yes it is a privilege but I have not been nor will I ever be happy settling for less. Believe me I have tried. It has something to do with why I am currently unemployed [that and a former employer bad-mouthing me] and though I KNOW I have to work and have no problem doing so I have to take a new direction. I also need a new place to live and have been dreaming about living by Duboce Park or Duboce Triangle. It is not easy finding a vacancy in these areas and quite a few people who rent have to share apartments. Thanks to low availability and over-inflated real estate I could very well have to pay $1000+ to share a small apartment with a bedroom the size of a closet.
Am I being negative again? Argh! I have a serious problem with perfectionism and being too hard on myself. I can be my own worst enemy. It only makes the real-life obstacles that present themselves all the more defeating. I have done many brave things in my life. I’ve made more than my share of mistakes. Mistakes should not be the death of us. Failure should not be the measure of how we define ourselves, as in if you don’t have ___________ you are one.
I also need to be out socializing and making friends….but being a hermit and feeling slightly alienated from the world has some appeal right now. As for dating…I want the perfect guy for me to just appear out of the blue and not have to do anything but be. Yeah I am delusional. I am weary. I could just give up trying to have this dream of a great life I’ve envisioned for myself but I think that would be the end of me. Without hope there is nothing. Did I mention I want three kids as well? One of which will be adopted, due to the excessive number of Black children left in foster care.
I’m also still looking for a church I can call home or be able to accept that I will be dissatisfied on some level with “religion” because people are not perfect and many men have bastardized religious texts to keep control over people, esp. women. And I’ve never felt right with the gay is an abomination meme as a license to hate and kill people. Is it ok with God that I never go to church again? What about those potential future children? Kids need some grounding – just not indoctrination into falsehood.
Sigh. Big sigh. I lost all the air from a wheel on my truck a while back. I just need to patch it and reflate. Or replace it all together. Be positive, have a plan, be aware of the potholes, dodge the potholes don’t drive over them underestimating how deep they are and keep moving. Don’t stop. Don’t give up.
Here’s one of my favorite songs, “Secret Smile” by Semisonic. This was during the time they had that huge hit, “Closing Time”. I hated that song, but when this was released I was like, all melty inside. I love this song. The video not so much. I have no idea why I like this song so much. It was a quirky song and slightly melancholic. It’s about 10 years old but I still like it. Go figure.