“Beat Her Down” Brown Part 2: Support Those That Support You Or Else!

Picking up from where we left off with Beat Her Down Brown Part One, Halima’s Whose Zooming Who post went through a rather extensive list of black males who were wholly self-serving in focusing on their interests. I’d like to add further dimensions to the conversation.

Unlike the talk a lot but do nothing scenarios played out by blacks, read what happened when the House of Dior decided to police the behavior of their key designer, John Galliano for stepping way out of line. Some people do not play! The key lesson to be learned is how there has been a historical pattern of behavior for hundreds of years now that have left self-sacrificing black women with the perpetual short end of the stick. It’s the gender needs set-aside vs. sacrifice for racial progress argument. In fact, I’d say it has further escalated (devalued) to there being no stick left at all for those that give and give without requiring an equal exchange for their support.

As I stated in BHDB Pt 1:

I just realized that Chris Brown has a point about it not being “fair” that he was held somewhat accountable and suffered (minimal) repercussions for his deviant behavior. There’s a plethora of black male entertainers who have engaged in the very same behavior but due to black male protectionism and racio-misogyny against black women they were never put under the same level of scrutiny all in the name of “advancing the race”.

Before Chris “The Whiner” there was James “I’m Black & Proud…er how soon until I can get a white woman?” Brown.

watch?v=2VRSAVDlpDI

So around the time someone was black and proud another someone was black and blue!

TV One’s Unsung Series on Tammi Terrell that highlights her “volatile” relationship with Brown with eye witness testimony about him beating her in the head repeatedly.

Yes, the very same Brown that was credited for his Civil Rights work. I hate to burst your bubble, but if I’m going to be disappointed to find out what is so glaringly obvious once you realize we’ve been had — repeatedly — then so will you (villain cackle ensues).

Continue reading ““Beat Her Down” Brown Part 2: Support Those That Support You Or Else!”

The Would-Be BWE Messenger Trying To Swipe Our Crowns

In the past few days a situation has arisen that needs to be addressed. In addressing it I am not assigning “blame” or value to the blogger in question but am reaffirming the importance of the BWE message. The focus should not be on the blogger but on protecting the work. Besides, I am DEEPLY OFFENDED by this would-be BWE blogger’s attempt to tear down the work because she doesn’t want to be held to a higher standard. Especially in light of the beautiful post from Halima Why I Love BWE praising the BWE movement and the lovely sentiments expressed this week – Valentine’s Week which is supposed to be about LOVE.

******

All shut eyes aren’t asleep!

I have been silent for months, just observing the actions of the PR Pro who had made some inroads at infiltrating the ranks of the core BWE bloggers but was never quite successful. I think she would appropriate and capitalize on the work of others for personal gain at our expense. If we let her. Which we will not.

No one is opposed to any (and all) of us earning a living, getting a book deal, etc. I’ve noticed how she has tried unsuccessfully to usurp the BWE message and position herself as the lead BWE authority without originating any work of her own. What amazes me is how obvious she has been (as a fake friend to BWE/poseur) while she incorrectly assumed she was going to get away with it.

I’m writing about this now several months after she first appeared on the scene because she’s made a fatal strategic error by overplaying her hand in declaring open “war” against one of us. This was after she hung some of us out to dry. There is no war. Let me repeat. There is no war. She does not have the significance she’d like us to assign her. We’re not fighting and no one is suffering from the aftermath of a blogger break up. I did however, have a headache because I had taken one of my no-technology days off and logged back on to find this mess!

She’s not a BWE blogger.

She has however, been allowed all the rope she required with which to hang herself.

If you read and enjoy her forum feel free to continue doing so.

Continue reading “The Would-Be BWE Messenger Trying To Swipe Our Crowns”

What Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Actually Means – Part 1

This is going to be an extensive post so take notes. I was perusing the archives of What Women Never Hear and found Mr. Guy’s series on Alpha males! I agree with most of what was offered as good advice. DON’T GET IT TWISTED!

This is one man’s opinion (and my co-sign provided you correctly apply it), but he’s been in a happy marriage for nearly four decades so we can take away something from what he’s writing about. A lot of the women who were reading the series misunderstood the focus and he sought to clarify its purpose.

Those women following and hopefully applying the identification and elimination of DBRs and the Lesser-Thans will recognize MANY of the traits listed as unsuitable for them. Many of us still have questions about some of the most basic minimum standards: like men paying for dates, to more serious issues. This is a conversation starter that we will need to review, modify and continue as necessary.

Vetting is in its simplest form a template that we measure the viability of potential mates. Some women may need to start literally at zero in first recognizing that they can have (and should) have one to begin with (i.e no ex-cons, man-sharing and baby daddies). Others need to fine-tune their expectations and do some self-correction when it comes to making mistakes that eliminate themselves from quality men.

Take everything with a grain of salt as always and don’t get too hung up on the terminology (alpha, beta, etc). FOCUS on the PURPOSE which is to attract and maintain the best partner for yourself!

Continue reading “What Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Actually Means — Part 1”

Let’s Remember To Use A Little Common Sense Where Men Are Concerned, Okay?

Common Sense Doesn’t Mean Compromise

As we continue to expand our minds about what is doable and who we can do it with (pun intended) let’s not forget the conversations we may be having require subtly, nuance and as always are best applied by an individual what will and won’t work best for them in the long run.

Since we’re focusing these evaluations on black women and in particular AA women we have to weigh the collective behavior of the majority, take into account an increasing minority who are doing the polar opposite and find a balance in between. BWE messaging has always encouraged ALL black women to be their best, live their best lives and seek out the most viable mate (exercising their right to marry where applicable), if only for the sake of their children should they also be(come) mothers.

Last October Khadija, blog host of Sojourner’s Passport wrote this essay about encouraging black girls to marry the world’s most dominant men. Nowhere was it suggested that a majority of black women should limit themselves to an “alpha male”. I mention this post as other bloggers have certainly read it and had their own discussions about “alpha males”. Some of whom are NOT BWE bloggers and explicitly state so. It was one of the reasons why I felt compelled to publicly mention that not all BW who circle BWE blogs and messaging are BWE bloggers or are fully encouraging BW to consider every option available to them.

Continue reading “Let’s Remember To Use A Little Common Sense Where Men Are Concerned, Okay?”

In 2011 You’re Free To Be Your Best. Here’s How To Do It.

I’m sure enough of us can recall the scene from the first Matrix film after Neo has been untethered from the pod and is in training  – when Morpheus jumps between buildings and tells Neo he can and will do the same thing and more. You can watch it here for a refresher.

“Free Your Mind.”

The funk band Parliament may have used the term in a song title long before the Matrix was released  – with some humor attached but the sentiment remains the same. Your butt (and life) will follow accordingly to your adopted mindset. Does fear take top billing? Then you may be waiting for a light change when it’s been set to green (for Go) the entire time.

This is also why Field Of Dreams has long been a favorite film of mine, but never more so than as of late.

Continue reading “In 2011 You’re Free To Be Your Best. Here’s How To Do It.”

How Old Is Too “Old” In Choosing a Partner When There’s An Age Gap?

Furthermore, where does gender play into those choices in heterosexual relationships and is there a double-standard for women? We know that women are being bombarded by conflicting messages of how we’re single hear us roar, that we can have sex like men or to not be burdened by being forced on a pedestal.  Someone even once suggested that men and women were like fish and bicycles.

The downside of this freedom is women getting caught without a rain jacket in a downpour — being saddled with the burden of child-rearing solo or coerced into sex earlier than many want, hurt feelings, exposure to infections, street harassment or other violence and an increasing dis-ease with our bodies and being more wary of men than ever before. Freedom always costs and the suggested choices made by some women may not be of any benefit to others.

Continue reading “How Old Is Too “Old” In Choosing a Partner When There’s An Age Gap?”

It’s Time To Let Go Of The Pain (Porn)

One of the great things to have occurred over the past several years is the emergence of the internet. As we know many people made blogging and creating other online forums an integral part of their lives, starting businesses and reaching out to others across the blogosphere. We’ve been able to bypass traditional media in breaking stories, have vaulted over certain gatekeepers who have a more thinly-defined idea of what is “newsworthy” and have even been dispatched to the White House because our influence and reach is unique.

We still have work to do if we are interested in getting our messages out. The presence of media companies and other interests to again segment and control who gets to speak (or write), what they say and how they say it has never stopped. You may find this out quickly when submitting to others that some material doesn’t meet their editorial guidelines or they want a different writing style and then you may see how certain blogger voices who may be deemed safer or are on some unknown approved list get the green light. It’s more of the same. Others are building infrastructures and we had better do the same before we are marginalized and phased out.

Continue reading “It’s Time To Let Go Of The Pain (Porn)”

How Old Is Too “Old” In Choosing a Partner When There’s An Age Gap?

Furthermore, where does gender play into those choices in heterosexual relationships and is there a double-standard for women? We know that women are being bombarded by conflicting messages of how we’re single hear us roar, that we can have sex like men or to not be burdened by being forced on a pedestal.  Someone even once suggested that men and women were like fish and bicycles. The downside of this freedom is women getting caught without a rain jacket in a downpour: being saddled with the burden of child-rearing solo, or coerced into sex earlier than many want, hurt feelings, exposure to infections, street harassment and other violence and an increasing dis-ease with our bodies and being more wary of men than ever before. Freedom always costs and the suggested choices made by some women may not be of any benefit to others.

Continue reading “How Old Is Too “Old” In Choosing a Partner When There’s An Age Gap?”

Just A Reminder Of How Men Who Appreciate Women Behave

I was reading an article from 2007 about why white males were drawn to black women the other day. The comments are worth their weight in gold! Three years later it has generated more than 6000 responses. People have had questions, trolls have tried to misdirect the focus but mostly the exchange has been encouraging.

With the shifting persepctives in modern society any number of men and women can be confused about their roles, defining their expectations, setting standards, ensuring reciprocity and learning how to choose someone based on our needs.

This is one aspect to online conversations about how quality men behave can be very helpful for both genders. For men there’s a measuring stick by which they can engage(agree, dispute or offer caveats). For women they can reassess their perspectives and reaffirm (or reset) established norms.

These online forums provide a useful purpose to compliment our offline lives. Being bombarded by multiple conflicting messaging makes defining clarity even more important. For those women still unattached, in substandard liaisons and ready to make a change, surveying the landscape before taking a plunge into unchartered waters is key.

I’m going to highlight one encouraging quote from a male commenter discussing the type of woman he appreciates, what he expects from a relationship and what he offers in return. Being appreciated is so sexy!

reader forrestsmiles wrote:

Let me, as a white man, who dates pretty much only black women state what my reasons are. A black woman with some class, who is proud of how she looks in her tight jeans and high heels or how she looks behind closed doors is extremely attractive to me. A black woman typically has beautiful skin, beautiful lips, many times a pretty smile with bright white teeth and bright eyes, wonderful curves and if she is trim and takes care of herself and is blessed with good genes… there is no one more sexually attractive, no one I want to adore more, no one else I want to look at or have my way with.

As a man, I can still stray, but it is not as much in my nature or my culture, or as acceptable. Appreciate me, touch me, be affectionate with me, dress for me, go to ALL the trouble you do with your hair, to look good for me, be late on a date cuz you are working hard to look HOTT for me, and I will be loyal to you, and i will love you. I will buy beautiful clothes and open an account at Victoria Secret for you, I will take you to the best restaurants (that I can afford), I will take you to a play, the theatre, to ballet, to see Tyler Perry’s “Madea”, (front row seats last week in Miami… cost me a fortune)… I will love you in every position i can think of, i will live our everyday life as excitiing and fun as i can, i will make you laugh, i will be myself with you… at times, be the macho man that i am, and at times, be a bit vulnerable… letting you see that side of me. I will cook for you, i will smoke ribs and chicken for you on Sunday, i will take you fishin and come home and cook it outside so as not to stink up your clean house… I will lay down my jacket across a puddle to allow you to pass, not getting those spiked over the knee boots wet. ( OK, check that, you may have to settle for a piggy back ride there). I think a black woman appreciates the qualities i present and generally appreciate a good man, because she has been cheated on, because the former Tyrone’s in her life have never stepped up, never kept their word, treated them poorly, denied them the opportunity to advance, demeaned them and broke down their self image and confidence, culturally and otherwise.

Some black women are very independent as well, and have done it for themselves for so long, they don’t really NEED a man. That does not threaten me, i admire an intelligent black woman. As long as they appreciate me for being there and loving them, as long as they share my life with me equally, not wanting a sugar daddy, I will return that love with the same love… and then some. I don’t see me feeling that way about white women in general… not putting anyone down, i think it is just in my genes… it is just raw attraction and preference.

A black women knows how to take care of her man… in, and out of the bedroom.

I LOVE BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN !

My assessment of his comment is that he – like most men – want a woman who’s comfortable with who she is, feminine and is willing to let them take the lead. It’s not that we woman can’t be completely self-sufficient: it’s that we don’t needlessly have to be. As I mature in age and point of view I’ve really come to appreciate the idea of high-value companionship. This goes back to a comment I made in an earlier post. Healthy people = Healthy relationships. Not perfect mind you, but normal.

I used this example because of the well-documented consternation many American-born black women have expressed about choosing a wider variety of viable males and those who want to selectively hang on to historic wrongs from a racial perspective. All of which is expressed in the comment section at that forum.

As wise women we should continually find ways to make male patriarchy work  to our advantage. 

Do That Many People Care About The Obama Marriage?

President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama hand out ...

AP

So if you’ve been keeping up with serious political discourse gossip you may have heard that Barack and Shelly O are having their marriage dissected speculated on (again) by a newspaper (New York Times) trolling for more readers. The curiosity factor is said to be weighed heavily on this subject – so much so that it deserves yet another a feature story???

…the Obamas mix politics and romance in a way that no first couple quite have before. Almost 10 months ago, they swept into Washington with inauguration festivities that struck distinctly wedding-like notes: he strode down an aisle and took a vow, she wore a long white dress, the youthful-looking couple swayed to a love song in a ceremonial first dance and then settled into a new house… Sunday NYT

Mmmkay. Wasn’t the book enough already since it came after the Slate series, the coverage of political wives, the Ebony cover stories and countless others?

Guess not!

Now I thought that after nearly one year in office (I know!) some of this “curiosity” would have surely died down by now. So I have one question: why does the Obama marriage generate such interest?

Continue reading “Do That Many People Care About The Obama Marriage?”