Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #14: Pop Quiz

This is a good time to review some of the lessons we’ve learned and how to continue putting new insights into action. At the very least, seeing behavior from its source in all it’s glory – and infamy – has been very useful.

EVAM #1

People who need people. Our relationships fuel the quality and experiences of our lives. Why not have the best? I conceived of this series because the blog didn’t have one official category for discussing how men and women relate, and this is of course from the woman-supportive perspective. It was inadvertently called Vetting Men, but was too similar to another blog. Also, I know every woman isn’t focused on marriage, doesn’t date men and may not be single. We all need friends however and delving under the surface of unexamined feelings about men to root out negativity is important. Plus, since we’ve discussed the foul behavior of so many males I wanted to steer our focus towards building good relationships.

Some of the discussions across several blogs at the time of the original post were focused on defining “alpha males”. I shared a wonderful site written by an older gentlemen who tells women what they need to hear instead of what we think we know. Knowledge is power!

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #13: Don’t Fall For The BS Master

Ooh, this may seem rather obvious but there are a lot of charming sharks moving through the relationship waters. In business it might be someone who takes full credit for a joint work project. In romance it might be what I’ll refer to as a Hit-and-Run guy.

In case you’re thinking this conversation is going to focus on admonishing you for rushing into a physical coupling with a guy before you’re an established couple, I’ll remind you we’ve previously covered the murky waters of casual sex in Eval #10. If you give away anything of value (time, money, intellectual acumen, YOUR BODY) too soon to others, expectations of reciprocity and RESPECT go right down the drain. It’s very disappointing to realize you’ve over-extended yourself for nothing.

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #12: Men In Love

When Men [and Women] Get It Right

I don’t need to expound with a long blog post. I’m just going to play some songs for you so you can listen and hear the perspective of men who’ve evolved into committed relationship mode. Yes, it does happen – often! When a woman meets and vets the right man, magic happens. When there is mutual respect and affection with a focus on building a life together then it’s all gravy!

Not that it’s conflict-free [that would be boring], but a beautiful coupling can take place that lifts spirits and makes hearts soar. Which is the way things are supposed to be!

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Note To Hipster Misogynists: Time To Put Your Big Girl Panties On!

Regular readers of this forum know I do not pull any punches calling out racism, sexism and self-culpability in order for women and girls to make sound choices for better living. While I have focused on what I’d term triage/emergency room life-sustaining measures related to black women, I have always been an advocate for ALL WOMEN of every orientation, race, ethnicity and identity.

My post A Male Chauvinist Pig By Any Other Name Still Oinks! as part of the Evaluating Men For Alliances and Marriage series is just one part of that overall initiative. Women need knowledge – both external dealing with current social trends and internal to affirm what their values are and how to navigate their way through life successfully.

Perhaps I should have titled it How Pigs SQUEAL instead.

Since much of my focus has been on the long-term ramifications of the demise of the black community and the way black males have mistreated black women as a collective, I think some people forget there are individuals who are both helpful and harmful to women based on their behavior and standards.

Just as I know black males who are decent and upstanding, I can also evaluate the poor treatment of black and non-black women alike by white males and non-white males who are not black. Are you still following me?

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #10: A Male Chauvinist Pig By Any Other Name Still Oinks!

There’s Nothing Casual About Casual Sex

True story. When I was in my early twenties I ran into a former HS classmate. We went on a few dates and while I appreciated his attention, I’d only allow him a kiss at the door. I wasn’t “sold” on him. That previous shared experience lent a false sense of familiarity where loose ties existed.

He wanted to speed up the pace for our intimacy so he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend.. My first thoughts were, “Why does he want to jump into this so soon? We barely know each other.” I talked myself out of what was a practical response and took him at his word. Because why would a guy lie to a woman? While my own hormones were jumping, my head put up a lot of speed bumps that derailed his express ticket to Loverville.

I was clueless at recognizing his interest had already waned when he figured out there wasn’t going to be any nooky. I got the message after not hearing from him for nearly two weeks – which was slightly more than the total amount of time we had previously spent together. I went from being a confident young woman who felt fully in charge of herself and liked the possibilities with a potential guy to a sullen, insecure woman who began doubting herself. All because I’d believed what he’d said and let it change my expectations.

I had been dumped. Rudely and unceremoniously, but I wanted him to own up to it. He told me, “I thought you knew we broke up.” Er, when would I have known that? Oh, he didn’t want things to get “awkward”, so he just decided to avoid dump and run. I wished I could have run him over a few times with a truck. I thought I was sharing my hopes and dreams with a man who cared, not an immature &*^%$.

He screened himself right on out the door, but it was still a painful example of the ways men coerce or encourage women to work against their best interests in relationships. I don’t understand how another person could treat someone so poorly. Live and learn!

  • Dangling the carrot of couple-dom aka “connecting intimately” is the new modern warfare between the sexes.

Women need to understand the true nature of men and act accordingly in protecting themselves.

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #9: The Adventures Of Man-Children

Oh boy! Here’s to hoping most of you ladies identify and quickly discard the enfante terribles, but I’m still not decided on whether they are deeply harmful or a part of the dating foibles women may run into. I suppose it depends on how deeply you get caught up.

Your successful navigation away from grown males with grammar school mentalities does come from standard checklists and time, but often we are in the middle of exercising all of our freedoms as modern women and may not realize we’re in a version of Never Never Land until it’s too late.

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #8: The Curious Case Of A Real-Life “Good Wife” Maria Shriver

Ah…so many lessons can be learned by studying the choices of others – particularly women of privilege who are purported to “have it all”.

A story loosely based on the Schwarzenegger marriage may likely be a Lifetime Movie Of The Week that will air this Fall. I’d bet money on it! Hey ya’ll, just a few thoughts are going to be dispensed rapid-fire style so saddle up! The public revelation of the long-term infidelity and betrayal of Arnold Schwarzenegger that has finally culminated in the break-up of his marriage to Maria Shriver should not have come as a surprise to anyone paying attention. If you lived in California during the time of his and the Republican’s “Total Recall” election sham that ousted Governor Gray Davis you would have noted the allegations of his long-history of cheating and sexual aggression enacted against other women.

I applaud those who managed to keep this bombshell a secret FOR TEN YEARS though {HOW!!!} – he never would’ve been elected had the public gotten wind of it!! I know Newt Gingrich is planning a run for the White House and I laugh! If some people want to vote for a serial cheater who has been married multiple times and abandoned his former wives when ill – while espousing family values, I’ll call a FOOL a FOOL. From a political standpoint the Ah-nuld debacle is even more frightening than most have still processed because some of those political yahoos were talking about amending the Constitution to allow a foreign-origin President – him! Those are some powerful allies at work who wanted to deploy a Trojan Horse scenario. Look at the condition of California post- Ah-nuld. Not all of it has to do with the economy, but of course many aspects that have damaged this country are a direct result of policies enacted by (and in collusion with Democrats) Republicans.

WE DODGED A MAJOR BULLET!!!!

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #7: Before They Are “Men” – Advice About Teens & College-Age Males

Audience Note:  I’ve changed the name of the series after realizing I’d inadvertently used the same title first employed by another BWE blogger. Since this originally expanded from analyzing why some women were misunderstanding and misusing terms and strategies for dating alpha males it’s important to me to make that distinction. My bad! I don’t think anyone has noticed, but we do put so much thought into our conversations (and may share some of the same readers) I want to respect the work that goes into it. To meet the needs of ALL women I want us to continue exploring the ways we seek and build relationships with men socially and professionally as well as romantically

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First of all, it would be better for you as a young girl and woman developing mentally, physically and emotionally to HOLD OFF on any sexual activity…but I realize that may be too late for many of you. Nor is that a  necessarily popular stance to propose because we’re all so modern, advanced and “free”. Freedom costs…a lot by the way.

This is not about judgment or restricting a girl’s right to exploration, but an analysis of benefits/disadvantages that every young woman ought to consider should things not go the way she hopes.  Or before she’s had to chance to figure out what she really wants. Of course it’s best if no one knows your level of “experience” regardless — not even your girlfriends because people are not always discreet. The series also tends to focus more on your “average” girl or guy from Western society with added emphasis in how black girls/women can utilize situations to their advantage.

So far, my Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series has been about grown folks over the age of say 21 who may have already had certain experiences. This is about checking yourself while on the path to love (not to get derailed into baby momma-ville and settling for moldy crumbs), normal human bonding and a course redirection/correction  when necessary. It is to help you refine or reclaim goals. It’s never too late to make positive changes in your life.

What about those younger girls who haven’t even been kissed yet? Who’ve been told it’s normal to offer oral sex to a boy  they like? Who are having pictures taken and passed around without their knowledge or consent that may be embarrassing or compromising? I know I have some young readers (or those who are in support of them) so I want to address you and your needs specifically.

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #6: Who Said A “Whipped” Man Is A Bad Thing?

You know when I wrote this I hadn’t considered the proximity to the Wedding Of The Century – that would be one Prince William to Catherine Middleton, [Update – who are now His/Her Royal Highnesses the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge] but it’s a harmonious  synchronicity. By the time this post is scheduled to be published it should be a done deal. [I had to include the shot of the children – so funny and you know it was loud with all the cheering]. Have you downloaded the official matrimonial programme? Halima wrote about how the women in Kate’s family methodically planned ahead for the future generations to excel in ways they had yet to accomplish.  Now one of their own will be a Queen.

Obviously for the union to be great one, both parties will have to make it a priority. Since we famously know this wasn’t the case with Princess Diana and Prince Charles (blech), I’m certain it has been paramount to both the groom and the bride. Yet, they are not their parents.

Some of us may not have had such thought and care placed in securing our futures but as adults we can guide our destinies. Using your very own special brand of womanhood, what I call the  Charm Offensive any enterprising babe with brains can go after and claim greatness. I’m not just talking about romance, but let’s be clear having close ties is a very important component to a full life. Having a career and being well-educated is not enough.  We need a 360 degree life. There’s no reason having a significant other, ideally a husband is not a logical conclusion.

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #5: Angry Boys Need Not Apply!

Unless And Until He Puts A Ring On It You Are A Free Agent

Even then there are many men who say I Do but don’t Honor & Cherish. As the blog host of What Women Never Hear has stated, commitment doesn’t guarantee devotion. He’s of course writing about white society at large and I find it a useful template to compare. While the majority of men from other groups (read that as non-black) DO marry, the ties that bind are becoming looser the further away society moves from upholding core values.

Since 65% of black males in this country do NOT marry at all, I wouldn’t even waste my time considering them unless I was either:

a) not a black woman

b) a woman with some black heritage in the mix, who comes from a different culture and would otherwise be considered “exotic”, “light-skinned” etc. —  or

c) had a potential selection of men that had already been pre-screened for caliber and vetted by reliable sources.

That’s still a crap shoot either way you look at it!! Expanding your options is the only thing that makes sense.

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