Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #5: Angry Boys Need Not Apply!

Unless And Until He Puts A Ring On It You Are A Free Agent

Even then there are many men who say I Do but don’t Honor & Cherish. As the blog host of What Women Never Hear has stated, commitment doesn’t guarantee devotion. He’s of course writing about white society at large and I find it a useful template to compare. While the majority of men from other groups (read that as non-black) DO marry, the ties that bind are becoming looser the further away society moves from upholding core values.

Since 65% of black males in this country do NOT marry at all, I wouldn’t even waste my time considering them unless I was either:

a) not a black woman

b) a woman with some black heritage in the mix, who comes from a different culture and would otherwise be considered “exotic”, “light-skinned” etc. —  or

c) had a potential selection of men that had already been pre-screened for caliber and vetted by reliable sources.

That’s still a crap shoot either way you look at it!! Expanding your options is the only thing that makes sense.

Continue reading “Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #5: Angry Boys Need Not Apply!”

What Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Actually Means – Part 1

This is going to be an extensive post so take notes. I was perusing the archives of What Women Never Hear and found Mr. Guy’s series on Alpha males! I agree with most of what was offered as good advice. DON’T GET IT TWISTED!

This is one man’s opinion (and my co-sign provided you correctly apply it), but he’s been in a happy marriage for nearly four decades so we can take away something from what he’s writing about. A lot of the women who were reading the series misunderstood the focus and he sought to clarify its purpose.

Those women following and hopefully applying the identification and elimination of DBRs and the Lesser-Thans will recognize MANY of the traits listed as unsuitable for them. Many of us still have questions about some of the most basic minimum standards: like men paying for dates, to more serious issues. This is a conversation starter that we will need to review, modify and continue as necessary.

Vetting is in its simplest form a template that we measure the viability of potential mates. Some women may need to start literally at zero in first recognizing that they can have (and should) have one to begin with (i.e no ex-cons, man-sharing and baby daddies). Others need to fine-tune their expectations and do some self-correction when it comes to making mistakes that eliminate themselves from quality men.

Take everything with a grain of salt as always and don’t get too hung up on the terminology (alpha, beta, etc). FOCUS on the PURPOSE which is to attract and maintain the best partner for yourself!

Continue reading “What Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Actually Means — Part 1”

Drop The Religiosity & Get Your “Love Boat” In Order

While I have plenty of “Put Your Rainboots On A Storm’s A-Coming” posts more or less ready to go in honor of Valentine’s Day I want it to be LOVE WEEK at Acts of Faith In Love And Life. I think we could all use a reminder of why relationships mean so much. So give yourself and a loved one a hug or two.

Mr. Rogers sez

I really feel that far too many black women need to give up their grip on fake religiosity. It may piss a few of you off (what’s new), but many black women talk about religion and the Bible while they have no clue what they truly believe. They’re only parroting what some dude told them. That dude could be a former pimp, hustler or drug dealer for all they know because anyone can start a church. That dude could be offering you bad advice and molesting your children as we speak. If  a so-called religious leader hasn’t graduated from seminary school or undergone some other type of rigorous religious training and comparative studies, I would seriously filter anything they offered as an “expert analysis”.

Continue reading “Drop The Religiosity & Get Your “Love Boat” In Order”

Will The Real Black Man Please Stand Up?

I’m adding Halima’s latest post http://dateawhiteguy.blogspot.com/2011/02/no-dog-in-this-black-community-fight.html and

the first entry of a new series at Khadija’s http://sojournerspassport.com/as-a-quality-lady-would-think-part-1-a-lady-does-not-try-to-grab-something-in-exchange-for-nothing/

Along with Evia’s latest http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/2011/02/moving-on-february-is-moving-on-month.html

….to this conversation. It’s our propensity for excuse-making and setting no standards for collective behavior or in our (mis)leadership OR relationships so it’s no wonder black women have been brainwashed in an attempt to tape together the rent fabric of the dead black community.

I wrote this post for those black women like Ms. Jina, AGW and others who are still clinging to the old model. For I and a few others who have refused the blue pill and woken up outside the Matrix are but a pebble skipping on the surface of a lake. The ripple effect lasts but mere seconds.  I may be underestimating that so I’ll add that the impact might also be the equivalent of hurling a big rock into the lake that causes a splash.

Either way the point is we are but a blip on your highway so stop focusing on what we’re saying and doing since you have declared we are wrong. Some of you just won’t let it go. You are angry at black men for their failings. You truly want to blame others because you know as a collective they will not take responsibility. Why they often cite you as one of the main causes for their lack of achievement.

I thought I’d give you a blast from the past with this 2006 WaPo article, Singled Out. I wonder what happened to our cast of characters? A BW (non-AA) writer had the nerve to try to piss all over a future article I agreed to participate in for a foreign newspaper that will show BW in a positive light. More on that to follow in a few weeks. Here’s a real dose of black woman desperation that she seemed to be so concerned about (because the article is about interracial dating and connecting AA women with Euro men) —

For Robyn and black women like her — who see their fates intimately bound to black men {STUPIDLY AND BY CHOICE} — life means strategizing and dreaming beyond the numbers in a world where it seems the ground has shifted under their feet.

Robyn hasn’t joined the ranks of black women who are beginning to talk about exploring their options elsewhere.

“I can’t just brush off brothers and say we are in a crisis,” she says. “I’m still a believer.” (And you will perish by choosing to be alone or making a bad selection of mate that will diminish your quality of life)

— one of her “friends” who may refer to himself as a “good” black man

When she met Harry Hughes, he was pining for the woman he said he wanted to marry but had blown the relationship. Now he’s enjoying his single life. And she shakes her head at the doting father of a 6-year-old daughter who this summer said he was dating seven women. (i.e partaking in all the free sex and gifts he could get – you know he wasn’t paying for [all] dates!)

Now, as winter approaches, he has narrowed it to one, dropping the others for various reasons: one, for example, lived too far away; another, he said, was pretty but “dumb as bricks.”

He says, “I understand it’s a jacked-up ratio in this area. I don’t think I’m a player. I just think I am a single man.”  (And who IS this lucky woman OUT OF SEVEN?)

— further into this trash da po’ downtrodden black male complains about having to make more money to match black women (presumably so he can dominate the relationship and be “in control” I’m guessing):

Black men, he said, have to be passive just to get into the professional world, and black women are just the opposite. “The women are so aggressive,” he said. “African American females are so empowered that I think it does carry into relationships. The way I grew up, it was relatively equal, [but] my mom let my dad be a man.”  (We’re overbearing and all-powerful which hurts his little ego)

“The women make more money. Their positions are higher. . . . It really shouldn’t be like that.”

That’s a fine example of Black Love, hmmm?

Continue reading “Will The Real Black Man Please Stand Up?”

Let’s Remember To Use A Little Common Sense Where Men Are Concerned, Okay?

Common Sense Doesn’t Mean Compromise

As we continue to expand our minds about what is doable and who we can do it with (pun intended) let’s not forget the conversations we may be having require subtly, nuance and as always are best applied by an individual what will and won’t work best for them in the long run.

Since we’re focusing these evaluations on black women and in particular AA women we have to weigh the collective behavior of the majority, take into account an increasing minority who are doing the polar opposite and find a balance in between. BWE messaging has always encouraged ALL black women to be their best, live their best lives and seek out the most viable mate (exercising their right to marry where applicable), if only for the sake of their children should they also be(come) mothers.

Last October Khadija, blog host of Sojourner’s Passport wrote this essay about encouraging black girls to marry the world’s most dominant men. Nowhere was it suggested that a majority of black women should limit themselves to an “alpha male”. I mention this post as other bloggers have certainly read it and had their own discussions about “alpha males”. Some of whom are NOT BWE bloggers and explicitly state so. It was one of the reasons why I felt compelled to publicly mention that not all BW who circle BWE blogs and messaging are BWE bloggers or are fully encouraging BW to consider every option available to them.

Continue reading “Let’s Remember To Use A Little Common Sense Where Men Are Concerned, Okay?”

How Old Is Too “Old” In Choosing a Partner When There’s An Age Gap?

Furthermore, where does gender play into those choices in heterosexual relationships and is there a double-standard for women? We know that women are being bombarded by conflicting messages of how we’re single hear us roar, that we can have sex like men or to not be burdened by being forced on a pedestal.  Someone even once suggested that men and women were like fish and bicycles.

The downside of this freedom is women getting caught without a rain jacket in a downpour — being saddled with the burden of child-rearing solo or coerced into sex earlier than many want, hurt feelings, exposure to infections, street harassment or other violence and an increasing dis-ease with our bodies and being more wary of men than ever before. Freedom always costs and the suggested choices made by some women may not be of any benefit to others.

Continue reading “How Old Is Too “Old” In Choosing a Partner When There’s An Age Gap?”

How Old Is Too “Old” In Choosing a Partner When There’s An Age Gap?

Furthermore, where does gender play into those choices in heterosexual relationships and is there a double-standard for women? We know that women are being bombarded by conflicting messages of how we’re single hear us roar, that we can have sex like men or to not be burdened by being forced on a pedestal.  Someone even once suggested that men and women were like fish and bicycles. The downside of this freedom is women getting caught without a rain jacket in a downpour: being saddled with the burden of child-rearing solo, or coerced into sex earlier than many want, hurt feelings, exposure to infections, street harassment and other violence and an increasing dis-ease with our bodies and being more wary of men than ever before. Freedom always costs and the suggested choices made by some women may not be of any benefit to others.

Continue reading “How Old Is Too “Old” In Choosing a Partner When There’s An Age Gap?”

Black Women Ask: How “Big” Is Too Big When Dating Interracially?

Courtesy of CW’s Black Women Deserve Better Facebook Group, participant LaToya asked this question a few days ago.
 
I was wondering if any “larger” than thick sisters have more trouble than their skinny counter parts when it comes to dating men of different races? Do you find that when white, asian, indian or hispanic men choose a black mate she’s either skinny or thick? Do the big girls find it harder to date outside of their race? Are they considered less attractive? If so, why?

 Read our conversation and my take on what can be a contentious subject after the jump…..

Continue reading “Black Women Ask: How “Big” Is Too Big When Dating Interracially?”

Just A Reminder Of How Men Who Appreciate Women Behave

I was reading an article from 2007 about why white males were drawn to black women the other day. The comments are worth their weight in gold! Three years later it has generated more than 6000 responses. People have had questions, trolls have tried to misdirect the focus but mostly the exchange has been encouraging.

With the shifting persepctives in modern society any number of men and women can be confused about their roles, defining their expectations, setting standards, ensuring reciprocity and learning how to choose someone based on our needs.

This is one aspect to online conversations about how quality men behave can be very helpful for both genders. For men there’s a measuring stick by which they can engage(agree, dispute or offer caveats). For women they can reassess their perspectives and reaffirm (or reset) established norms.

These online forums provide a useful purpose to compliment our offline lives. Being bombarded by multiple conflicting messaging makes defining clarity even more important. For those women still unattached, in substandard liaisons and ready to make a change, surveying the landscape before taking a plunge into unchartered waters is key.

I’m going to highlight one encouraging quote from a male commenter discussing the type of woman he appreciates, what he expects from a relationship and what he offers in return. Being appreciated is so sexy!

reader forrestsmiles wrote:

Let me, as a white man, who dates pretty much only black women state what my reasons are. A black woman with some class, who is proud of how she looks in her tight jeans and high heels or how she looks behind closed doors is extremely attractive to me. A black woman typically has beautiful skin, beautiful lips, many times a pretty smile with bright white teeth and bright eyes, wonderful curves and if she is trim and takes care of herself and is blessed with good genes… there is no one more sexually attractive, no one I want to adore more, no one else I want to look at or have my way with.

As a man, I can still stray, but it is not as much in my nature or my culture, or as acceptable. Appreciate me, touch me, be affectionate with me, dress for me, go to ALL the trouble you do with your hair, to look good for me, be late on a date cuz you are working hard to look HOTT for me, and I will be loyal to you, and i will love you. I will buy beautiful clothes and open an account at Victoria Secret for you, I will take you to the best restaurants (that I can afford), I will take you to a play, the theatre, to ballet, to see Tyler Perry’s “Madea”, (front row seats last week in Miami… cost me a fortune)… I will love you in every position i can think of, i will live our everyday life as excitiing and fun as i can, i will make you laugh, i will be myself with you… at times, be the macho man that i am, and at times, be a bit vulnerable… letting you see that side of me. I will cook for you, i will smoke ribs and chicken for you on Sunday, i will take you fishin and come home and cook it outside so as not to stink up your clean house… I will lay down my jacket across a puddle to allow you to pass, not getting those spiked over the knee boots wet. ( OK, check that, you may have to settle for a piggy back ride there). I think a black woman appreciates the qualities i present and generally appreciate a good man, because she has been cheated on, because the former Tyrone’s in her life have never stepped up, never kept their word, treated them poorly, denied them the opportunity to advance, demeaned them and broke down their self image and confidence, culturally and otherwise.

Some black women are very independent as well, and have done it for themselves for so long, they don’t really NEED a man. That does not threaten me, i admire an intelligent black woman. As long as they appreciate me for being there and loving them, as long as they share my life with me equally, not wanting a sugar daddy, I will return that love with the same love… and then some. I don’t see me feeling that way about white women in general… not putting anyone down, i think it is just in my genes… it is just raw attraction and preference.

A black women knows how to take care of her man… in, and out of the bedroom.

I LOVE BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN !

My assessment of his comment is that he – like most men – want a woman who’s comfortable with who she is, feminine and is willing to let them take the lead. It’s not that we woman can’t be completely self-sufficient: it’s that we don’t needlessly have to be. As I mature in age and point of view I’ve really come to appreciate the idea of high-value companionship. This goes back to a comment I made in an earlier post. Healthy people = Healthy relationships. Not perfect mind you, but normal.

I used this example because of the well-documented consternation many American-born black women have expressed about choosing a wider variety of viable males and those who want to selectively hang on to historic wrongs from a racial perspective. All of which is expressed in the comment section at that forum.

As wise women we should continually find ways to make male patriarchy work  to our advantage.