Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #18: Get Your Sexy On!

Lois and Clark getting a little friendlier…..

It’s been a minute or two since I’ve added a new installment to this series, but this was an opportune moment. In other words, I really needed to have something to say! While posts at the main site vary in frequency, you can always find daily conversation at Twitter or Facebook.

Despite some of the more recent upsetting current events, we must keep moving forward. I say this as much for myself as for all of you, that we have to find a way past obstacles and see the best outcomes for ourselves. That’s not easy.

So, after reminding women to be women and stop feeling obligated to be good little soldiers lined up on the battlefields only to be knocked down, reacquaint yourself with your va-va-voom. And you can’t get your sexy on while feeling or being under siege.

Repeat after me: Men Must Rescue Themselves.

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Snagging, Bagging & Tagging: White Men!

Yup, that’s a provocative title for sure. It’s a spin on the book Girls’ Guide To Hunting & Fishing. I was thus inspired by a little blogger troll who took issue with my Mrs. & Mr. Zuckerberg post from last week. Which was about how an average woman can position herself to live well and how marriage to a person who adds value certainly helps facilitate that. So sad…too bad certain people remain stuck on stoopid. It’s all about perspective..and choice.

Apparently Flat Earth Theorists know something we don’t. According to this scholar of relationships black women wouldn’t be interested in a man who came from a 2-parent home, espouses Middle Class values, busted his hump to get into Harvard, learned how to relate to women by trial and error – oh and is a game-changer. Oh yeah, I almost forgot – no OOW kids, criminal record or public displays of questionable behavior. Not to mention a Rolodex and access to certain social circles to die for.

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #15: Non-Verbal Cues Expressing Interest

Alrighty, after some of the recent social upheaval and blogger dust-ups my planned forum posting schedule is slowly being integrated. Finally! I’m with those of you who are like-minded enough like this >_< to keep it moving. We’ll continue sharing and exchanging affirming and practical information we can all apply offline as we continue on our life’s journey.

One of the most often asked questions women have is how to best approach men. Well, my reply is you don’t! Women Must Not Be The Aggressor. Men have to take initiative, otherwise the burden of pacing a relationship will fall to you. Don’t get locked up behind bars in “Superwoman” jail. Be free!

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #14: Pop Quiz

This is a good time to review some of the lessons we’ve learned and how to continue putting new insights into action. At the very least, seeing behavior from its source in all it’s glory – and infamy – has been very useful.


People who need people. Our relationships fuel the quality and experiences of our lives. Why not have the best? I conceived of this series because the blog didn’t have one official category for discussing how men and women relate, and this is of course from the woman-supportive perspective. It was inadvertently called Vetting Men, but was too similar to another blog. Also, I know every woman isn’t focused on marriage, doesn’t date men and may not be single. We all need friends however and delving under the surface of unexamined feelings about men to root out negativity is important. Plus, since we’ve discussed the foul behavior of so many males I wanted to steer our focus towards building good relationships.

Some of the discussions across several blogs at the time of the original post were focused on defining “alpha males”. I shared a wonderful site written by an older gentlemen who tells women what they need to hear instead of what we think we know. Knowledge is power!

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Is A Law That Allows Women To Run Background Checks On Men Fair?

There’s a potential law pending in the UK that if passed would allow women to vet potential dates with criminal background checks. Dubbed Clare’s Law, it is named after Clare Wood who was murdered by a man she via Facebook in 2009.

via Sky News

The proposal comes amid concerns that women are increasingly meeting men via the internet and have little or no knowledge of their pasts.

Our priority should not be protecting a perpetrator’s privacy at the expense of costing a woman’s life.

Louise Casey, Victims Commissioner

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Suicidal Thinking About Weight Will Literally Knock Black Women Out

“Every second your destiny is just waiting for you to show up.”

— Jillian Michaels

I wanted to share a very brief update on my getting fit plan for 2011 which I’ll go into greater detail when I write my quarterly review next week. I am continuing to lower my BMI and gain muscle tone. I’m at 60 lbs junked – never to be seen again. The scale has caused me some distress with various fluctuations (flab vs. muscle) clashing with my expectations so I’m focusing on measurements. I’ve lost 9 inches from my hips so all of my clothes are baggy. While I want to cheer, I know there’s more I need to do, so I cannot become complacent. I am aiming for excellence (not perfection) versus “good enough for a black girl”. This is why I wanted a team of experts like reality star Ruby Gettinger has, but the victory belongs to me for designing the change from start to finish.

I will start to see bigger results after I’ve incorporated a consistent exerciser regime, however the greatest progress for me right now is recognizing when others are trying to sabotage my efforts with their supplies of junk food, sugary (or worse HFCS) drink, desserts and desire for me to “relax and take a day off” or telling me I deserve a “treat”.

No! What I deserve is to be free from all the baggage. When children in wheelchairs can do back-flips what’s our excuse?

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Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #3: You Have To Be In It To Win It!

I was featured in an interview on interracial and international dating in Norway’s largest newspaper, Aftenposten. Overall, it was a good article. I would have liked a more intensive interview (a series would be nice!)  but it is what it is. A good message that featured attractive, intelligent black women who are willing to or have already reached out to the global village to seek quality men for mates.

We can’t just sit around talking about what we need to do. We have to get out there and do it!

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Let’s Remember To Use A Little Common Sense Where Men Are Concerned, Okay?

Common Sense Doesn’t Mean Compromise

As we continue to expand our minds about what is doable and who we can do it with (pun intended) let’s not forget the conversations we may be having require subtly, nuance and as always are best applied by an individual what will and won’t work best for them in the long run.

Since we’re focusing these evaluations on black women and in particular AA women we have to weigh the collective behavior of the majority, take into account an increasing minority who are doing the polar opposite and find a balance in between. BWE messaging has always encouraged ALL black women to be their best, live their best lives and seek out the most viable mate (exercising their right to marry where applicable), if only for the sake of their children should they also be(come) mothers.

Last October Khadija, blog host of Sojourner’s Passport wrote this essay about encouraging black girls to marry the world’s most dominant men. Nowhere was it suggested that a majority of black women should limit themselves to an “alpha male”. I mention this post as other bloggers have certainly read it and had their own discussions about “alpha males”. Some of whom are NOT BWE bloggers and explicitly state so. It was one of the reasons why I felt compelled to publicly mention that not all BW who circle BWE blogs and messaging are BWE bloggers or are fully encouraging BW to consider every option available to them.

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One From The Dating Files: Why Women Must Not Be The Aggressor

Back in the olden days of my 20’s I once looked askance at the book The Rules because I thought it contained a lot of archaic, anti-woman rhetoric that went against current norms. We were women, we were empowered and we could do whatever we wanted. We roared. We didn’t have to wait for anything. Since we could earn a living like a man (minus the pay equity) why couldn’t we go after what we wanted in the dating realm, too?

Then when Sex and the City hit the airwaves it was if a bomb had dropped. Samantha Jones both thrilled and repulsed me. Actually all of the characters did on some level and not just because I noticed they could get away with many things as white women of a certain class tier that many of us could not. They also had plenty of foibles. I’ve covered why I also think there’s a reinforcement of some indoctrination, particularly with Miranda and her marriage to a lesser-than “good” guy.

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Why So Many Of Us Are Fat: Resolving The Weighty Issues That Impact Our Health & Well-Being

I hope the title of this post got your attention. I’ve decided to discuss this under some duress I might add because the combination of our fear, rage, apathy and mixed-up thinking is killing us. Or at the very “least” negatively impacting and lessening the quality of our lives. It’s not an easy topic. This also ties into why we need to let go of the pain (porn) and stop wrapping it around us as if it were a blanket to protect us when it is in fact an anvil sending us to the bottom of the ocean to drown.

I’ve observed the conversations at several BWE blogs who’ve tackled addressing why many of us need to lose weight. (I say get rid of because I don’t want it “finding” me again!). I’ve noticed the knee-jerk defensive attitudes of many women and can totally relate. I usually avoid participating because reading those words in their various combination: “you who are overweight and obese need to change” felt like a knife jabbing my heart.

The main reason of course, is that I already knew this. They’re not saying anything most of us don’t understand. It’s the equivalent of broadcasting something at full blast that we think we’re hiding in our pockets. Yet, everyone can see it as plain as day!

We just don’t want to hear it. We are stressed and distressed and being stubborn. It needs to end today.

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