Hey All,

I’ve been doing some back-end housekeeping and have been rather amused by some of the posts that are still being viewed after their original publishing date. As a forum moderator I want to provide valuable content that speaks to the regular readers while still expanding to accommodate new visitors.

Hey All,

I’ve been doing some back-end housekeeping and have been rather amused by some of the posts that are still being viewed after their original publishing date. As a forum moderator I want to provide valuable content that speaks to the regular readers while still expanding to accommodate new visitors.

If you’ve noticed a shift away from certain topics [mostly related to triage and strategies for black women] it’s because I want to meet the needs of the readership at large [as AOFB began as a political/slice of life forum] and entice some of you lurkers to leave a comment or two. At some point we have to move on to evolve. I have consistently supported the equitable elevation of women in society, but never as an extremist measure.

Don’t worry, I’ll still be edgy, provocative and sometimes controversial. We don’t have time to fake the funk or beat around the bush. Success requires focus and decisive action.  Many of the topics I discuss also reflect certain aspects of where I am on my own life’s journey. Often when we are moving through this world there are many others going through similar experiences. We can challenge, encourage and support one another.

I’m actively pushing myself to grow and change, so don’t expect to read about the same subjects or circle stale perspectives months and years later. My core values and the call for enlightenment and revision at this forum will remain.

So, I’m curious about who you are, what you’re doing in your life and how you plan to get there?? I’m very grateful you find our conversations so compelling that you keep coming back. When I began blogging four years ago I had no idea what I was getting myself into!

What would you like to see covered here?  As I’ve stated, I’m not interested in recycling the same complaints, aches and bruises. We can’t only focus outward and react mindlessly. We must be realistic, use common sense, take responsibility, challenge ideologies and our own motivations if we want to become our best selves.

We are multi-faceted women and lovers of women. We enjoy a variety of activities. We may want to help make the world a better place. We may want to learn to let go of past hurts. We may want to raise children. We may be seeking a compatible love match. We may be discovering who we are for the first time. We may want to understand others better. We want to improve our relationships with ourselves and everyone else.

As we move out of the heated summer months and into fall and a new year, facing uncertainty let’s be optimistic and determined that no matter what else is going on out there we will be grounded, positive and moving ahead with purpose.

Don’t be a FLAT EARTH Theorist! Oh and about some of those previously published posts….

It seems many people are very curious about a wide variety of topics [as evidenced by these search engine results], of which I’m happy to oblige:

Paula Patton’s ethnicity

Making technology easy

Not going off the deep end where men are concerned

Jennifer Hudson and other celebrity weight loss stories

The [infamous] Tyra Banks Gay Teen “Hell To Pay” episode

Almost evenly split between ‘Asian Women Trophy’ and Marja Allen Vongerichten related to Asian women marrying white men

The blog post with the largest pageviews is still my tribute post to Della Reese. The 2nd is Surrounding Yourself With Light & Beauty. Note these have minimal comments. I find this very interesting as the are clearly not the posts that have created the biggest overall impact or controversy when identifying the social injustices we’ve discussed extensively.

You can feel free to leave a message in the comment section or email me privately. It goes without saying, but I’m stating it anyway this is for legit discussion only. This is your forum and I want to take it to the next level. Your feedback is invaluable!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hDbpF4Mvkw

This 80’s classic is a song about being confident about love. Yes, despite the protagonist’s declaration of not “believing” in it, he still yields to Modern Love. I wonder if it’s biographical because that song was [...]]]>

Gosh – this song still rocks! David Bowie’s Modern Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hDbpF4Mvkw

This 80’s classic is a song about being confident about love. Yes, despite the protagonist’s declaration of not “believing” in it, he still yields to Modern Love. I wonder if it’s biographical because that song was released before David Bowie met and married Iman.

So even the most cynical of us, who may allow fear to taint our perspective when presented with a choice will take a chance at fulfilling their heart’s desires.

Our desires are just as much a part of us as our skin tone or eye color. The ones that are attuned to our spirit are meant to be fulfilled. Otherwise we wouldn’t be innately drawn to them. We can block our own blessings by ignoring the path laid out before us in exploring what those desires are and how to achieve them.

That’s why the conversations centered at this forum are about maximizing the quality of your life in all areas. It’s a 360 degree LIFE(SYTLE)/DESIGN.

If you’re hiding out in “chuuch” not getting your “Love Boat” in order, YOU are causing those desires to remain unfulfilled. Your indecision is the block getting in the way of living with vitality. If you think you can behave indiscreetly or indiscriminately and not pay a price for it, you’re not being realistic.

We have to measure the pros and cons of everything we do.

We know a lot more than we realize intuitively even if we can’t always name it specifically. Sometimes we know exactly what’s going on, but still feign ignorance. It’s like praying and praying and talking loudly into the ether, wandering in circles at maximum speed when God and the Universe are whispering to you saying, “Psst…over here!”

We’re angry and frustrated and increasingly desperate – which is ripe for a major compromise and mess-up in order, saying “I don’t see it happening. God isn’t listening to me!”

God is ready to smack us on the head in fact – but we’re so busy pushing our 1,000 lb anvil of DRAMA and internalized (accepted) INDOCTRINATION saying we’ve got such a HEAVY load to toil. NOBODY said we had to push it! We just ASSUMED it was “our burden”.

God is like a savvy best friend saying, “Nah honey — I MOVED that aside so you could partake on YOUR journey. It’s just something to BYPASS. So keep it moving!”

ALL PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED.

Many are simply refused.

Why?

It might be in our best interest. The obstacle is revealed first. People don’t believe. We don’t know the full expanse of our capabilities. We don’t even try. If you lack wisdom you can’t always comprehend guidance, but we can ask for it.

Our faith moves us. It is more than an issue of whether we have faith. It is about whether we tap into it. We have to listen to it, be aware of it and not postpone our lives “waiting” on it. We must take ACTION. It’s already there ready for us to use. We can take as much or as little (or none) as we decide.

We can discuss and rehash the specific scripts being fed to women to keep us imprisoned. We can discuss how some women equate their racial identity with having less and suffering – while not always realizing they’ve in fact placed that burden onto themselves and that other groups of women DO NOT. There’s a little bit more to it though, so let’s delve deeper.

It is a mentality, but it’s also a spiritual misdirection. We must realign our consciousness to be attuned to expansive thoughts and anticipate prosperity. Therefore the emotionally reactive pull to settle because you incorrectly think “that’s all there is” will not take over logic and common sense.

Your desire for a fulfilled life has already been prepared and put into place for you to take. Those prayers have been answered. We have to take responsibility (that includes forgiveness of self and others) to receive them. So what’s stopping many from cashing that guaranteed check? Fear.

FEAR will kill you.

False. Evidence. Appearing. Real.

Everything you may think about being a “modern” woman [I can do everything a man can do!] or race [black women have to save the community] that strips you of options and diminishing your existence into mule-dom, martyrdom and disdain for [functioning] men is a LIE. It’s EVIL because it brings death to dreams, aspirations and choices.

LIVE instead of slowly dying inside and letting that manifest itself in destructive action and toxic scenarios.

Howdy AOFB readers! We’re going into year FOUR. I for one am surprised and amazed by this journey across the Interwebs. Thank you to all of those who’ve contributed something of value here. The wonderful examples of absolutely fierce women and men who have offered such astute advice helped us [...]]]>

Howdy AOFB readers! We’re going into year FOUR. I for one am surprised and amazed by this journey across the Interwebs. Thank you to all of those who’ve contributed something of value here. The wonderful examples of absolutely fierce women and men who have offered such astute advice helped us raise the bar.

I’ve been duly tested by combatants and compromisers alike. They didn’t intend to be helpful of course, but the situation certainly ensured I had to be principled and focused. My integrity was forged from being challenged.

As I do every year, I am requesting your participation in keeping the forum active by making a donation. I know I have a lot of readers who don’t publicly comment due to the majority subject matter discussed here. I have a few changes in mind to be integrated this year. Gotta keep things fresh!

As always my core interest is for those women so inclined to reevaluate all of their relationships, internally being the most important aspect so they will lead fulfilled lives. I want young girls to know it’s their birthright to be cherished and feel valued.can

There is no religious, social, gender-based, political or personal ideology that should get in the way. Every falsehood must be exposed and dropped. Opportunities abound. Hardships don’t have to define us forever. We should be encouraged and take comfort where we can, as we continue to move ahead.

When we have an unshakable view of ourselves and strive to be our best, treating others with a dignity we’ve bestowed upon ourselves we are triumphant. Be blessed.

photo

True story. When I was in my early twenties I ran into a former HS classmate. We went on a few dates and while I appreciated his attention, I’d only allow him a kiss at the door. I wasn’t “sold” on him. That previous shared experience lent [...]]]>

There’s Nothing Casual About Casual Sex

True story. When I was in my early twenties I ran into a former HS classmate. We went on a few dates and while I appreciated his attention, I’d only allow him a kiss at the door. I wasn’t “sold” on him. That previous shared experience lent a false sense of familiarity where loose ties existed.

He wanted to speed up the pace for our intimacy so he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend.. My first thoughts were, “Why does he want to jump into this so soon? We barely know each other.” I talked myself out of what was a practical response and took him at his word. Because why would a guy lie to a woman? While my own hormones were jumping, my head put up a lot of speed bumps that derailed his express ticket to Loverville.

I was clueless at recognizing his interest had already waned when he figured out there wasn’t going to be any nooky. I got the message after not hearing from him for nearly two weeks – which was slightly more than the total amount of time we had previously spent together. I went from being a confident young woman who felt fully in charge of herself and liked the possibilities with a potential guy to a sullen, insecure woman who began doubting herself. All because I’d believed what he’d said and let it change my expectations.

I had been dumped. Rudely and unceremoniously, but I wanted him to own up to it. He told me, “I thought you knew we broke up.” Er, when would I have known that? Oh, he didn’t want things to get “awkward”, so he just decided to avoid dump and run. I wished I could have run him over a few times with a truck. I thought I was sharing my hopes and dreams with a man who cared, not an immature &*^%$.

He screened himself right on out the door, but it was still a painful example of the ways men coerce or encourage women to work against their best interests in relationships. I don’t understand how another person could treat someone so poorly. Live and learn!

• Dangling the carrot of couple-dom aka “connecting intimately” is the new modern warfare between the sexes.

Women need to understand the true nature of men and act accordingly in protecting themselves.

You cannot rely on benevolence, social conditioning, having a conscience, exceptions to the rule or his having a sense of fairness to kick in. That’s across the board for anyone in any situation. We get so easily tripped up when it comes to matters of the heart where our libidos collide with common sense.

I decided to write about this because I read a guest post at Alee’s blog about what males think about casual sex. A few sentences in and I was already peeved for all the reasons I wrote about above. I could see this anthropologist poser a mile away. This Zek guy thinks he’s some Zen Relationship Expert when he’s just a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Please read the post – but not the comments – and come back where we can continue the conversation.

I had to pull some choice quotes from our boy Zek (in periwinkle). Notice the trend?

This might be surprising to the ladies reading, but many guys are like me and don’t just want a bunch of random sex, especially when it’s the woman doing the dumping afterwards.

I still shudder at the memory of one particularly horrible experience. A girl actually kicked me out of her bed at 4 AM because she was too drunk to do anything else and she had to get up for work early. I sarcastically call this my half-night stand.

Just like women, men experience a period of increasing emotional attachment after sex. But unlike women, men don’t typically ask to cuddle afterwards. Instead they try to turn the girl into a wifey. Most guys see sex as a physical manifestation of attraction – they like you so they want to have sex with you. For myself, if a woman didn’t even kiss me after the first date, I tended to be suspicious of her interest in me. And the depressingly ironic thing is when a woman likes a guy, she is more likely to wait to do anything physical! For fear of messing things up! To me, this is the height of foolishness. Ultimately, for men, sex is about closeness. So to the women, when a guy wants to have sex with you, before you kick him to the curb or make him wait it out another couple of weeks, perhaps you should ask yourself if he just wants to be closer to you.

After laughing for a good five minutes at his diatribe – for which he deserves an Oscar for sure I knew I had to call him out – publicly.

This guy is a hipster misogynist.

And full of it!

I’m not taking advice from a 20-something know it all. We could certainly say he’s basking in the ignorance of his youth, but he adds far too much hubris to be given a pass. When I read this post I was seething, because I saw the harm validating his opinion as being even remotely appropriate would negatively impact some unsuspecting women.

I call BULL CRAP!

From reading the responses a lot of those women are truly clueless about how to screen men. I mean wouldn’t a guy who’s a stranger claiming to want an “emotional” tie with you seem rather odd? It’s stalkerish in fact. His sense of entitlement at having access to any woman’s body is exactly the same as the male counterparts he thinks he’s so far above. If you read his replies he makes a lot of sweeping generalities and assumptions.

Just because he’s clueless willfully ignorant about his inherent nature doesn’t mean any woman who dates him should be. In fact, I’d advise them to be very careful with this one. I learned from reading the thread he’s in a relationship and claims to be in love. Let’s revisit them in a year and see what happened.

Guys like that are manipulative and have unrealistic expectations about relationships. The thing that got me riled up in particular was how he so easily called into question a woman’s right to choose…to say NO. You don’t get an explanation buddy! No means no. The end. Marry a guy like that and let him dominate things and your marriage will be a disaster. He’d take any knowledge he’d acquired about your weaknesses and insecurities to use against you to keep the upper hand.

If they’re not being passive-aggressive and petty, then these Man-Children are outright physically and emotionally abusive. A guy like that would be the type to sue you for alimony and go after full custody of any kids you have out of spite and to stay in control.

His assumption that he was entitled to “emotionally” connect through sex is the SAME behavior exemplified by the old HS classmate of mine who used the word “boyfriend” as an emotional trigger to get me to comply with his desire for access to quick and easy sex. There’s a lot of latent open contempt for women that underlies this behavior and it hasn’t changed in the decade since my experience occurred.

For reference read the post 1254 Men Follow The Female Lead at What Women Never Hear.

Men get their way by not bending in disputes with women. They push women around in thought, action, or both.

Our foremothers learned to exploit No Sex without Marriage. Never perfect or universal, the strategy still enabled conscientious females to dominate the domestic environment and make both society and culture more female- and family-friendly. It reduced the excesses of patriarchy. It pressured males to be more civilized and domestically responsible.

In the name of sexual freedom, modern females give up that societal influence.

DARK[ER] SIDE OF PATRIARCHY

Thus, the only caveat I will offer aside from throwing those losers back is that their behavior has been exasperated because of other women. It’s our fault — well those feminist pioneers who had a dogmatic approach about how to relate to men — and we seldom questioned it! We’ve created these monsters. When women let men set the scope and pace in these matters it is almost always guaranteed to be a mess. Even if you become a couple. The guy may likely have a perpetual roving eye. Cheating on you is a major possibility. You’d have to drag the guy kicking and screaming to the altar – IF you could convince him to marry you at all. Even if you do, after your entire convoluted history of relationship imbalance how fulfilling is that union going to be?

He was never devoted to you. He never had to be. Showing up and making the random gestures of commitment is all you’re going to get because you didn’t follow your instincts and you didn’t vet the guy properly from the beginning. You didn’t set boundaries and teach him how to treat you well. You all did what felt “natural” on somebody else’s timetable. Anything Goes, so kiss a stable, consistent relationship goodbye.

I was so grateful to see the two readers Rob and Bunny77 with the life experience and understanding of human behavior chime in.

Rob – who also saw through the facade early on nailed it perfectly.

It pretty much occurs to me as basic biology … mating behavior starts to make a lot of sense once one assume that humans are doing whatever they think they need to do to get their DNA into the next generation of people … there are countless books available..that decode human sexual behavior and explain where all the double standards come from, why they exist, and why they persist long after the source of the double standards don’t apply any more.

The Madonna/Whore thing occurs to me as very real … this blatant double standard is all over our culture … on the cover of so many magazines … in all of our subconscious minds. I’ve long ago accepted that my standards are pretty deeply ingrained … both sets …. they defy any logic … and they seem to stand the test of time. So when I hear the ‘exception” speaking up, like you did … I sort of shrug and say “whatever”. For the most part, men gravitate towards casual sex like moths to flames. Such is why the world’s oldest profession remains so to this day.

The Myth Of The Sexually Liberated Woman As “Empowered”

“withholding of sex as a means to snatching a particular man in a society with pretty open access to birth control and contraceptives seems kinda demeaning, if not downright lame.” — Zek [again]

Many men don’t even try to hold any pretense of being a gentleman today. They’ll tell you they’re sexing numerous women, are in a non-relationship, still married, in between women, not interested in anything “serious” or whatever they’re calling it today. I call it Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am. Only they’re often lazy and slovenly and it isn’t even worth your time – or the risk to your mental and physical health.

I think if a woman pays attention she can quickly discover the way a man thinks through a simple conversation.

The way Zek peppers his language with the use of wifey and players leads me to think he’s hanging around certain types of males that are unsuitable for marriage. Then again, it is a post about his justification of casual sex.

Bunny77 offered good advice to women

I cannot quite understand the expectation that women should just get naked and intimate with random dudes they barely know just because they are starting to develop interest in them. I mean, THAT is what I consider lame thinking… like, really? How mature is that? I like you, so let’s just go have sex?

...waiting is a freakin’ brilliant choice for most women, and I dare say that more women would probably be able to navigate the dating and relationship minefield a million times better if they left sex out of the equation for a longer period of time. Women have honestly lost a lot of old school wisdom that worked in their favor for the sake of being supposedly liberated.

People have tried with varying degrees of success to fight their nature.

Let’s just say that I know more than a few women who were downright shocked when that open-minded, liberal guy they were dating briefly suddenly became Mr. Caveman after they had sex… and before anyone says, “That’s good, you can dump him,” I say that it’s not so great if that woman bought into what he was selling, only to find out that he was full of it… maybe Zek wouldn’t have been that type of guy, but I wouldn’t advise a woman to take her chances on finding a Zek among the crowd.

I agreed with most of what Bunny77 replied except her projection about how women should not be obligated to take a man’s respect into consideration. It is in their best interest to look out for themselves first!

DON’T GIVE AWAY YOUR POWER

• Is finding a “Zek” the best thing for a woman?  NO!!
  

Because to me that seems to reduce male-female interactions into a power struggle.  — another gem from our Zen expert

What he means is male control would take over (go back to the WWNH post) except for women’s successful c*ck-blocking plans in effect. Zek thinks he’s strutting down the street like it’s Saturday Night Fever not realizing he typifies the term of that era: Male Chauvinist Pig. Don’t you understand that men have simply adopted catch phrases and have learned how to say things that sound good to women? What women want to hear. The key is women need to know the difference between the reality of the things they don’t hear and TEST men. Rob offered crucial advice and since he identified himself as being over 50 I would certainly listen!

As far as I know not one person answered Bunny 77′s question. She asked “how many of the men who encourage a more organic approach to sexuality for women will eventually advise their daughters in this manner?”

I won’t call him a Caveman because they knew what their role was and carried it out. You know who Zek is like?

John Mayer. Sexual Napalm indeed.

Caution

If younger women REALLY knew how men are they wouldn’t be so quick to think people are trying to “slut-shame”or deny them their right to be used. — Faith

That story he told about the aborted one night stand was very telling. This woman he’d picked up was drunk as a skunk. It was 4am and I guess she had sobered up enough at this point to realize she had brought home a stranger who was in her apartment and in her bed and wanted to no part of it. Common sense overruled the “you can have sex like a man mantra” that’s damaging women.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. So she made him leave. The way he gripes about it like he’s the victim makes me wonder if he tried to coerce her to change her mind by wearing her down. “You don’t have to do anything. Just let me put it in for a few minutes.” Forget her pleasure, relaxation or satisfaction. -– yeah I went there!

These situations are volatile because this is where some women would feel disempowered to refuse sex because they had put it on the table but they were too impaired to have made a sound judgment to begin with. No woman should be obligated to have sex when she isn’t 1000% certain she wants to. Woman = Over 18 and maybe 21! This is where women are raped if the guy decides to force he after she withdraws consent because she was a “tease”.

The reader who wrote women should test men by having sex with them first and later claimed she was joking has a lot of obvious disdain for other women. Her exchange with Rob in demanding links and wanting to argue semantics with him was very telling. She’s clueless, but isn’t willing to learn anything either.

And for the love of…can we stop misusing and misapplying the term “slut-shaming” when discussing women and sex? There are nuances that must always be considered but what occurs with one group of women doesn’t apply for all. Besides, some of the pushback has to do with rebalancing chaos. The non-PC way!!!

Men Are Not A Rubik’s Cube

Here’s what you need to understand about men:

They want to have sex with as many women as possible no strings attached. The end. Even the “nice” ones.

Especially the “nice” ones.

I was glad someone else had mentioned how going out on a few days added up to a negligible amount of time to really know someone. How much is enough time? Five hours? Ten? Twenty? If companies are screening job applicants for weeks don’t you think you should put at least that much time into some guy you’re going to allow to enter your life and your body?

If you don’t think men hold women in contempt shall we revisit the stats for the poor social conditions of black women in this country – 75% out of wedlock and never married. Sounds like quite a few guys decided to hit it and quit it without nary a second thought.

Then there’s the Huffpo article that gave me heartburn reading it, but Tracy McMillan’s Why You’re Not Married describes the way certain men view certain women [hence the disrespect and entitlement] and nails the behavior of those women (promiscuous, liars, selfish) for a reason. It was a dose of cold water for sure, but sometimes we need it.

The Thing About Choice Is You Have It, So Use It…Wisely

I’m not here to tell you what to do. If you want to explore your sexuality you are free to do so. Be aware of all the potential benefits and pitfalls. If every woman found her match or exception the first time around we wouldn’t even be having this conversation!

Most women can’t get the same satisfaction men do from mere release because they need to feel emotionally connected to the man in question. How can you do that when you just picked him up in a bar at 1230am? The Samantha character on SATC may have been written as a woman, but her behavior was typical for a man. Perhaps even a gay man. If you’ve watched previous seasons of Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger always has an aggressive, wealthy woman on – whom she always complains about being hard to match – and describes them as having masculine energy. Men don’t like women who try to dominate them. Sure, they’ll take whatever’s on the menu, but they’re not sticking around.

Common-Sense

Let me ask you ladies a question:

If all other forms of birth control were removed (pill, etc) and you had to rely solely on condoms — and the guy how would that change your behavior if at all?

• Might you start screening men a lot more intensely?
• Might you slow the pace of your relationships?
• Would you still look for Mr. Goodbar?

Maybe you should already be doing this regardless of whether you’re using birth control or not. Just a thought.

Oh and Zek’s declarations about condoms being 99% effective got another eye roll. Dude, it’s the correct use of condoms that count. Some men, er want to use the wrong size. As Bunny77 pointed out there are STIs that can still be transmitted. Herpes being one. The gift that keeps on giving for life! I know all this talk about consequences for your actions and the darker side of sexual “freedom” makes people squirm. Then you shouldn’t be having sex. Yet, we know many people don’t follow correct protocols – even doctors!

WHAT HAPPENED TO GOOD OLD-FASHIONED COURTSHIP?

How many men are actually glad when a woman insists they both have all the necessary testing done ahead of time before their first sex together without it calling into question what they now view as confirmation of her promiscuity? Of course there are no such precautions in place if this same couple hooked up immediately. Yet, one is supposed to represent sexual freedom while the other is…less desirable? Double standards much?

How many younger men do you know who’ve actually gone to a urologist (male gyno) by choice as a preventative measure? You know to be responsible.

I know my number: ZERO!

How many men even know what a urologist is? About as many men who understand female anatomy?

Men will complain about one little cotton swab insert when women have to endure the stirrups of hell! It’s a necessary health precaution, but I have yet to meet any woman who’s happy about the speculum portion of an exam. Which you get to repeat each and every time you take on a new sex partner because you have to be re-screened. Or else.

You do not want to wait until you think there could possibly be something off because you might find out you had some low grade microbe that has now rendered you infertile. You may spend a big chunk of your early years experimenting, having fun and being glad you didn’t have to deal with any “accidents” only to find your uterus has sustained mortal internal damage.

Ah, the price of freedom. Sometimes it isn’t worth it.

If the Zeks of the world fashion themselves above it all, they are only fooling themselves. Don’t let them make a fool of you. Oh and he got an extra eye roll at his declarations that residents of San Francisco are somehow more aware and responsible because of AIDS. I lived there for a decade and can attest that is soooo not true!!!

Not to mention that he’s missing the point, lots of people died based on the choices they’d made, thus they had to accept their behavior directly corresponded to whether they lived or died. They changed their behavior!

Culture doesn’t trump biology as part of our inherent drives, but women can mold society to make it more women-and kid-compatible IF they set the pace and boundaries. Like those gay men who got politically active {ACT-UP} and confronted their peers, LGBTs also have decided as a group to mold society into something more family-oriented which is why SAME SEX MARRIAGE is being fought for so intensely. Hetero women already have that right – so use it!

If you’ve made it through the end of the post I applaud you because it was extensive, but necessary. I’m leaving this one up for the week because I’m exhausted there is much to marinate on here. Before I sign off, I’d like to share one more thing. I had the radio on and this “Rock Your Body” song by Justin Timberlake was played. If there was ever a song that exemplifies this attitude of male disrespect disguised as promoting women’s freedom this is it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSVHoHyErBQ

If you will note the lyrics then you it becomes easier to see why he gets the Timberfake or Timbersnake moniker as well. This is a very clever but obvious song using a lot of metaphor. The guy wants sex, the girl is deciding [to fool herself about] whether his interest goes beyond sex.

Don’t Be So Quick To Walk Away

Wanna Rock Your Body ‘Til The Break Of Day

You Don’t Have To Admit You Wanna Play

Just Let Me Rock You…

Ah, such words of eloquence! Such wooing involved. Not! Then the kicker where he reveals his true intentions-

Better Have You Naked By The End Of This Song

Youthful exuberance, hubris or the A**hole flag being waved enthusiastically?

The bridge has the female singer asking if Love Is Here On the Floor?

Since the song is about him rocking you, I think it’s safe to say ala Tina Turner LOVE has nothing to do with it!

How has acting like men benefited women when it comes to relationships?

Update June 21st:

I’m adding the Cosby Show episode, Just Thinking About It as indicated in the comments section by a very astute reader. In this 2-parter Pam is being pressured by her boyfriend to have sex where he threatens to go out with another girl if she refuses him, but she asserts female dominance in the end — and DUMPS him!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPhGGQllI7I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wrBH_0cxw4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lmj23mpJ4RE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzvmquJqBfs

********

I hope you’ve enjoyed the latest installment of the Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series. Feel free to check out the previous entries.

Vol 9.

Vol 8.

Vol 1-7.

I, of course am still preparing the full column posts with intros and updated [...]]]>

I know many of you have asked for BWE 101-type assistance. Since there are also tons of new readers every week being added to the fold, I thought creating an overview guide would best suit your needs.

I, of course am still preparing the full column posts with intros and updated information culled from the blog. Those books are coming as well. Since I have a diverse reading audience I have a separate book based on a particular blog post about Cinderella and feminism. I’ll be staggering the BWE-related materials with those suited for a wider audience. More on that to come.

In the meantime, here’s the cover:

The Acts Of Faith In Love & Life BWE Lifestyle guide is 9 chapters and chock-o-block full of information as you begin your journey to self-enlightenment and taking charge of your life.

It covers two key elements –

• HOW BE TRUE TO YOURSELF

• BE SOMEBODY’S NUMBER ONE (yours)

This is a decisive guide that will assist you on your own individual journey. This is all new material that I just wrote. As always, you can find plenty of free content here at the site. If you want a concise guide with a complete overview of the concepts and actions we discuss regularly, then this is the guide for you.

Newer readers may find it most useful, although those looking for a refresher course or touchstone won’t be disappointed either as I was certain to cover all of the basics and then some.

How do you get it? You click on the right sidebar under the AOFB Paypal button. The introductory price for the guide is $3.99. Once payments have been processed I will forward to the email address you’ve provided. Any future updates will be forwarded to those who’ve purchased the first edition as well. It is in PDF form so you can print it or save it to Google Docs and reformat it for e-readers.  There are no plans to do a print run at this time, but I will consider it for group orders and the price will reflect a standard traditional book price. Email me if you have any questions.

Oh yeah…feel free to spread the word and forward this post! Thanks!

You [...]]]>

Yes, I’m going to quote the lyrics from a song written and recorded by British singer-songwriter Des’ree. Her message of uplift and empowerment is just as potent and encouraging as when the song was released more than a decade ago! Here’s one of my all-time favorite “Girl Power” anthems: You Gotta Be.

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thwr16Anmf0

The toughness required for those who want a full life is not in being aggressive, but in aggressively seeking their bliss and not letting anyone else get in their way. The strength is mental agility in discernment. She talks about being counted, not being afraid to try and not letting time pass you by. Simple but amazing, no?

My other fave is Kissing You, which sadly never got an official video. She was featured in a pivotal scene from the Baz Lurhmann version of Romeo & Juliet (classic DiCaprio!) when the couple first meet. It’s rare to hear a song that uses a singer’s lower and higher registers and as a songwriter I really appreciate how she crafted this song to complement her voice specifically.

If you’re asking where did all the good singers go, look to those whom you’ve been supporting versus whom you say you’d prefer. Isn’t it time you up the ante in demanding talent? Here’s a classy underground musical artist you can support: Queen Esther. You can already tell she’s deep, right?

****

I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter of the new Inspirational Quotes Series of posts.

Read Inspirational Quotes: Della Reese

A story loosely based on the Schwarzenegger marriage may likely be a Lifetime Movie Of The Week that will air this Fall. I’d bet money on it! [...]]]>

Ah…so many lessons can be learned by studying the choices of others – particularly women of privilege who are purported to “have it all”.

A story loosely based on the Schwarzenegger marriage may likely be a Lifetime Movie Of The Week that will air this Fall. I’d bet money on it! Hey ya’ll, just a few thoughts are going to be dispensed rapid-fire style so saddle up! The public revelation of the long-term infidelity and betrayal of Arnold Schwarzenegger that has finally culminated in the break-up of his marriage to Maria Shriver should not have come as a surprise to anyone paying attention. If you lived in California during the time of his and the Republican’s “Total Recall” election sham that ousted Governor Gray Davis you would have noted the allegations of his long-history of cheating and sexual aggression enacted against other women.

I applaud those who managed to keep this bombshell a secret FOR TEN YEARS though {HOW!!!} – he never would’ve been elected had the public gotten wind of it!! I know Newt Gingrich is planning a run for the White House and I laugh! If some people want to vote for a serial cheater who has been married multiple times and abandoned his former wives when ill – while espousing family values, I’ll call a FOOL a FOOL. From a political standpoint the Ah-nuld debacle is even more frightening than most have still processed because some of those political yahoos were talking about amending the Constitution to allow a foreign-origin President – him! Those are some powerful allies at work who wanted to deploy a Trojan Horse scenario. Look at the condition of California post- Ah-nuld. Not all of it has to do with the economy, but of course many aspects that have damaged this country are a direct result of policies enacted by (and in collusion with Democrats) Republicans.

WE DODGED A MAJOR BULLET!!!!

This would’ve been even worse than the Bush years in my opinion. That type of greed, ambition and lack of morality is NOT to be ignored. At least Shrub and Laura seem to genuinely love each other. I don’t care how famous or wealthy or popular someone is. Schwarzenegger never should have been elected in the first place, but the idiots people who selected him were blinded by the movie star light instead of asking the important questions like: does he know what he’s doing? Many of them lost their jobs and homes but did they learn their lesson or become Tea Party members instead?

Okay, I’m done with my political rant. This is not going to be a poor Maria post, however. I’m fairly certain she knew what or so she thought she was getting into and for her the benefits of being married to Ah-nuld outweighed the less pleasant aspects. Also, we don’t know what Maria has been up to behind the scenes, either. Perhaps she’s more discreet. I have no idea….nor do I really care to be frank. She’ll be fine. People make their choices and have to live with the unknown potential or ramifications.

Is Maria Shriver going to do a round of television interviews discussing how she had low self-esteem and other internal struggles which left her vulnerable to such a charismatic but flawed man? Is she going to present herself as a woman wronged and a victim? I highly doubt she’d admit to having been willing to tolerate some of the things Ah-nuld did for her personal gain or to please her husband (where the press will suddenly have “new” information about other compromising or embarrassing revelations), but hit a wall over the kid he had with another woman.

I haven’t even discussed the pink elephant in the room regarding the way the Kennedy’s became wealthy or the history of cheating, rapes and dead bodies that have allegedly been at the hands of various males in that family. Are we supposed to ignore the ugly underbelly because they’re a marquee name? Wouldn’t Ah-nuld’s behavior simply be par for the course? Whatever compromises and sacrifices that took place Shriver has not been decimated monetarily — unlike many women in a similar situation.

Here we see the results of a calculating woman who created an opportunity to connect with a powerful married man who isn’t her husband had already shown signs of betrayal. Of course such a person would make herself readily available – and getting pregnant accidentally on purpose only cements the tie. If the wife thinks there is room for a yardstick to parse out betrayal she may find herself in for a rude awakening. Some men are very easily led by their you know what. Reading that the home-wrecker/opportunist Mildred Patricia Baena had unprotected sex with him makes my stomach turn, but people will do dirt when they think there’s going to be payday.

It has always bothered me the way Shriver was described as “having given up her career in journalism” when she married Ah-nuld. As a young girl something didn’t ring true. Some women need outside stimulus in addition to having a family and they should have those needs met in some capacity. I’ve always wondered if Shriver compromised an important part of her identity to be with a man who had to have a dominant role. It takes a strong woman with a solid sense of who she is to be able to handle certain men, so there isn’t a huge imbalance. We can and must ensure patriarchy works to our advantage and not allow ourselves to be run over by men.

This is why black women are experiencing these diminished personal relationships with black males because they are reacting to a “man shortage” and lack, instead of choosing from a variety of racial and ethnic groups, being expansive. The massive out of wedlock, never-married and HIV rates are the culmination of too much compromise and lack of integrity. Other women can also find themselves abused, abandoned and ridiculed. Newt Gingrich’s first wife was battling cancer when he walked out on her. Later on, after claiming some ignorance of the details, the second ex-wife has come out swinging – but that was after he dogged her out, too. Hadn’t he already shown who he was? The sheer gall of his reprehensible behavior was only topped by his political hypocrisy of trying to impeach Bill Clinton for…..yup cheating.

If Gingrich thinks he’s going to trot out yet another home-wrecker/opportunist as the next First Lady after Michelle Obama he’s forgetting that WOMEN vote, too. I’d hope that even Republican women would enact those “family values” that’s part of their party’s official agenda and send a message of rejection with a quickness. Where‘s Sexy Sarah [Palin] when we need her? The Republicans are so vocal about promoting the idea of being in support of the hetero family structure but as we see often stumble publicly in practice. From the foot-tapping men looking for bathroom hook-ups with other men, to the ones who start second families with women who are NOT their current wives without an ounce of remorse [so it appears] this goes far beyond a single mistake that can be worked on.

This is why it is 10000000% important that a woman EVALUATE and VET and TEST her mate. Not just during courtship, but after marriage. Keeping a tight lease on any women in your vicinity when you’re married to an alpha male is not something any wife should have to worry about if she’s chosen a man of caliber — but an ounce of prevention is certainly smart. Obviously, I think Ah-nuld (Newt, John Edwards, etc] display the worst qualities of an alpha male gone rogue who’ve been allowed to run roughshod over their wives and dominate without wisdom. This is also a prime example of DBR behavior and they are TOXIC. These men have failed to PROTECT their families. Since they mostly have ADDED strife they’ve also failed at PROBLEM-SOLVING.

A relationship is only as good as the two people involved and how much they value it. I do think the fact that her soon to be ex-husband knocked up a household staff member (hello sexual coercion and harassment law violations) and kept it a secret for a decade (HOW????) was beyond LOW. I suppose the impact on the Schwarzenegger children finding out they have a bastard half-sibling was likely too much to overlook. I mean come on! How is that gonna look? What is going on with these men and unprotected sex in the age of AIDS?!!  Gah!

We’ll never know what Maria knew, when she knew it and how much it matters. Nor do we need to. Really…it’s none of our business. I do find the political ramifications and maneuvering important to pay attention to though. Being married to a Kennedy was a huge boon for Ah-nuld. He has always needed Maria’s family clout, prestige and money (though he earned his own) to help solidify his ambitions. I don’t know what she got out of the marriage because I never understood the appeal beyond his supposedly not being intimidated by her background.  Apparently, not if he’s running around impregnating paid employees that lived in Maria’s house!

That is the ultimate example of disrespect, but I can’t help but wonder how many other “little” betrayals added up over the years….but the hubris of this….wow! This can’t be filed under the “celebrity shenanigans” file either. The repercussions that may negatively impact the children cannot be discounted. The fact she didn’t even know blows my mind. That may also be press spin. Either way — yuck!!!

****

I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter in the Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage series. Check out Vol 1.  – Vol. 7.  My “The Good Wife” television show Season Two wrap-up will be the companion piece to this post to be published on Monday.