The Choice Was Always Yours

Just a few thoughts. Much of this recent grumbling in certain corners of the blogosphere is yet another manifestation of indoctrination. Most people react poorly when they have to review their dogmas. If these conversations were only about a few there’d be no need to ever discuss the status of the black collective and its impact on the lives of black women and children.

That’s what prompted some of us to blog in the first place. We wanted to help others, develop ourselves and give a platform to those denied a voice. It’s not only about singlehood vs. marriage, The Help, Red Tails, Tyler Perry, white men, education, weight or black love. It’s not about me or you…or you or you. It’s about the future.

To lump the machinations of fake BWE messengers with those who have made measurable contributions in uplifting black women is not only misguided but offensive. Yet again we see the lack of accountability and discipline being publicly displayed. Lots of emotional venting and back-biting going on. Shoulder Shrug.

I’m not getting riled up about this latest push-back because I had prepared for it. You should not be disheartened, upset or surprised. Solution: Replace all non-reciprocal and non-beneficial people, places and practices. End the divided loyalties. Be willing to evaluate every aspect of your life.

So many folks are invested in blocking black woman from what they view as jumping ahead of them in life. Some black women may be content to wait it out, hoping somebody else and external circumstances will fix everything so they can continue marching in place (aka the “black” zone). They haven’t noticed they’re sliding backwards. Debating semantics is truly futile. They’ll have to see others doing something over an extended period before they’ll be willing to let go of their limited thinking, envy or derision.

In the film The Matrix, Morpheus told Neo they wouldn’t try to “free” a mind after a certain age because people could not untether from the machines. This is just another example of black women digging a deeper hole for themselves. Change is hard – but not impossible. Perfection was never the goal, but a shift in awareness that would lead to abundance for more women.

If you’re not self-aware of your triggers you’ll keep tripping over them until you figure it out. If you believe circumstances define your life how can you change? It was always necessary to do the internal work so I’m not sure where or why anyone got the idea they could skip that step.

I think about the Biblical story about Lot’s wife looking back after God told the family to run for their lives. I believe it’s a metaphor for change. If we want to get to a new place we have to put a measurable distance between the old place (our starting point) and the new destination. Look at Rihanna’s behavior!

I think some of the recent backlash – aside from the hijacking/belittling attempts from the infiltrators – is because some women are touching their most embedded third rails. Making real change requires a true vulnerability that defies the “Imma Be Alright”, “I’m Strong” and “I Got My S*%t Together” lie from the black women who’ve been in and out of these forums for a long time.

Nothing worth doing is guaranteed to be easy over the long run. Breaking the norm for the average black woman is the only true catalyst that will give others the incentive to adjust. It’s not going to come from a touchy feely place. The competitive edge will need to exert itself.

Will the status quo remain?




Community Caretakers

Living in ever-increasing dangerous areas

Economic/Job Upheaval with no safety net

Accountability can never be dismissed. Of course you are free to say a) changes can’t be done or b) certain changes don’t need to be done, but let’s check back in 1, 3, 5 or more years to see how you’ve fared. What about the next generation of black women? I can’t speak for anyone else, but the message at AOFB remains: you can be “right” about whatever position you’ve assigned for yourself or you can play to win.


Read our conversation from April 2011 asking if the small number of black women who chose abundance are in fact part of a super elite group.

20 comments to The Choice Was Always Yours

  • Jae

    I appreciate all that I read and BWE. I can't even begin to explain what mental turmoil I was in after I experienced a trauma and I never imagined that I would find a BW willing to not only open up but apologetically speak the truth. It's changed my life. My only complaint is not knowing who I should I have been listening to from the get go and how to navigate this particularly blogespere. But at any rate, I am truly grateful to BWE.

  • kmblue aka KM

    Part of me is sad to see what has just happened but part of me is happy. If BW haven't gotten it already, they have to get it now. Time is running out. The time of BWE blogs being as active as they were is done, at least to me. The information is out there and it has been out there for a while. I think we are seeing the separation of the ones that are going to win and who aren't. Those who have decided that they are going to lose, they are going to take whoever does not or does not want to see down with them. The topic was just a cover for the unwillingness to move ahead.

  • MsMellody

    Thank you so much Lynn!! I had often thought the exact same thing. All the blogs I have read over the past 3 years have been amazing. And yes, on more than one occasion I have read and thought deeply about how I personally have been benefitted by the contributions of the comments…and then I thought about the unknown unseen trolls who have been doing just about the same amount of reading and benefitting without contributing while at the SAME time downplaying, dogging and deliberately belittling BWE/Common sense blogs for ALL that they have contributed to lives of women like me.

    Thank you for putting into words my feelings and reflections. I truly appreciate your on target examination of this behavior of trolls and lurkers.
    I say once again -- what a blessing in both material and physical and spiritual in nature these blogs have been to me as a woman of color who strives to be an elite member.

  • Lynn,

    I hear you. And I truly appreciate how you showed reciprocity by standing up in the middle of a hostile crowd at WAOD to support the movement that (overall) has supported you and other Black women. THANK YOU, and may God bless you.

    FYI, I didn't want to write a book in Faith's comment section, so I responded at length at my old blog, Muslim Bushido.

  • Lynn


    Here's a few thought towards these chicks who have been reading these blogs for years, yet are constantly going around the blogoshpere bleating about the evils of BWE:

    Some of those 'empowerment' ladies are constantly berating BWE, yet using a lot of those beauty tips Khadija would post on Fridays
    Some of those ladies are over there, purchasing and using Evia's vetting series, not to mention the free advice she gives liberally, and still berating BWE.
    Some of them have read Faith's inspirational quotations, using them as a guide in real life, and guess what! Still berating BWE.
    I bet just about everyone of these so called "I have concern for the next generation" chicks has tried one of Faith's healthy recipes, using cinammon to counteract high blood pressure, bought the book joynousnerd has to grow their hair, tried P90X after Khadija blogged about it, utilized one or more of the dating websites linked to BWE websites, and/or developed additional streams of income….all the while insisting BWE is all about “worshipping white men!”
    Some of those ladies use the new vocabulary Halima has thoughtfully and accurately supplied (hellooo, virulent racio-misogny, anyone), when describing bw/bgs unique stituation, and yep; still berating BWE. (Thank you so much Halima for one the crowning achievements of BWE!)
    Some of them are commenting on Sarah's latest posting about lewd actions of young bgs and how they are not being trained to do better,…..and still berating BWE.
    Some of them are busy getting a free education by utilizing the free educational internet links and courses, the free motivational links and courses, links to little known, uplifting entertainment by going to non mainstream media forums depicting bw in a healthy way, everything 'old skool' BWE has provided so generously to any bw with the gumption to use it!.……and still berating BWE!

    They will insist upon their dying breath they cannot get behind BWE. All the while benefitting in at least one area in their lives from the information! Poisoning the well for the next generation. Way to show concern for our daughters. Well, I'm insisting BWE is life-saving, life-enhancing, uplifting, and a true blessing for bw/bgs.

  • Formavitae

    I REALLY like you, Faith. That's all I wanted to say.

  • Lynn


    As always, very well written. You are absolutely write about leaving certain places and people behind. I'm working on that also. BWE, no scratch that "old skool" BWE has been a life-changing educational experience for me. I look back at what my life was like 2 years ago, and I thank God I came across these websites. I am proud to say I benefitted from the original BWE messages.

    I know it's discouraging to watch the infiltrators move in on BWE. I know it's discouraging to watch the message get chopped up, twisted, mutilated way beyond the original content. It's killing me on the inside to watch this. You, Khadija, Evia, Halima, Sarah are some of the 'old skool' BWE bloggers who have made gigantic strides in the betterment of all bw. You all have my eternal gratitude.

  • Tracy

    You mentioned awhile back about an elite group of bw that get it -- they get what it takes to be fully empowered and are ready to move on and separate from whatever and whoever wants to stay losing…..I'm ready for that to happen, in fact, I'm personally making it happen. I'm done drawing lines…the time to make our Utopia is here…

  • […] Either way, it’s a more than just a good idea to marry well. It’s a must because there are only so many adjustments you can make after the fact. Khadija made a few valid observations about strategies especially amenable to African-American women in a recent post on mass movements worthy of consideration. Afterall – The Choice Was Always Yours! […]