Society Does Not Actively Support Single Motherhood (But The Black

This was cross-posted at What About Our Daughters as a companion to Gina’s post about the Raising Him Alone organization being a Trojan Horse for black women.

Before we continue this conversation can we get a social scientist to name a society that has promoted the widespread acceptance and normalcy of single/never-married women raising children alone?

A few people didn’t agree with my last post where I was critical of the “Raising Him Alone” organization. This is no dig at single mothers. I am all for providing training classes, parenting classes, financial classes, job skills, whatever the mother needs. Again, just as with my posts about DBR (damaged beyond repair)-ism last week I got a lot of heat from people who felt uncomfortable with the subject matter. I pose my blog posts as conversations. These are conversations we NEED to be having but so many would prefer to avoid them. If we NEVER discuss the challenging and yes, painful aspects of pathologies we are doomed to repeat them. 

The OOW (out of wedlock) birth rate has increased by 300% across the board since the 1970’s but is highest for black women [*as of 2012 73% and climbing]. Other groups of women are struggling with this as well but as we all know there’s that added heaping of difficulty with blacks. Whatever people are doing it is NOT working and behavior MUST be modified. No one wants to admit the Anything Goes philosophy is literally killing black women (highest HIV rates) and lowering their quality of life across the board.

Instead obfuscation tactics have been deployed. Trust me I understand. I used to get upset watching Suze Orman talk about being prepared financially for the pending economic downturn. She mentioned it more than 3.5 years ago in 2006 before the financial upheaval of 2008. What she said made perfect sense but I didn’t want to believe what she was saying because it would mean that I’d have to make changes. 

I am not a single mother. I am not a mother at all. That was a conscious choice on my part and I have guarded my reproductive choices fiercely. That does not in any way invalidate my observations. I could’ve easily gotten pregnant any number of times. Trust me the women in my family are typically very fertile. I’m the eldest of six! I decided I would not have any children unless and until I was happily married to a man who provided for and protected me. I didn’t always use that language specifically but that’s what I’ve always intended. 

Being married alone is not enough though. Lots of women are married to men who cheat on them or are perpetually unemployed. So it is all about CALIBER (not race alone) be it an intra or inter racial relationship. We have to be very discerning in how we evaluate a potential mate. We may have to use judgment other than our own as well if it’s better. That single decision of who we chose to mate with will alter the course of our entire life. It can be the difference between life and death. Do you want you and your children living with more hardships than necessary? 

Some women don’t want children at all. Some want children under very specific situations. Sometimes life happens and we have to live with the choices we’ve already made. We can still move forward but ONLY if we are willing to do a stone-cold accurate assessment of where we stand. The truth must be spoken. For example I know I could be married right now but if I want to attract the highest caliber mate I have to make some adjustments in my life. So until and unless I do that work single is what I shall remain, but I don’t have a lot of time to be playing around. If you are already a single or never-married woman with child(ren) you have some work to do. Unless you want to remain single or never-married, Raising Him Alone.  

Well, that’s not my wish for you and I’d hope you’d want more for yourself. My only wish is that all the young girls out there are able to make informed decisions fully invested in what they’re doing before their lives are altered forever. Nobody is warning them, helping them or giving them adequate facts before hand and they end up suffering unnecessarily. Keeping up appearances is more important than giving life-saving information! Does this mean I have to share personal information? Not happening!!!

Actually I will share this. Both my maternal grandmother and mother had their first children at the age of 18. I had decided at the age of eight that I was moving to NYC to attend college and proudly told my family so. My having a child as a teenager was not part of my life’s plan so I’d already decided I would not be engaging in any sexual activity before graduating high school. I was going to move away and live my own life. Oh I was curious as any normally-developed female would be but I drew a line in the sand and stated it publicly. I had no idea how radical that is for the average black girl whose life has increasingly become dodging mortar shells and white phosphorus assaults. Of course for many families this is the norm and expected, but for other girls the cycle of abandonment, financial struggle and exploitation is the norm.

I’ll use an example. 

I know a single mother who’s now in her 30’s. She got pregnant at 14. She was being raised by a recently widowed mother. They had been financially unprepared for the death. The woman’s mother had to take a job where she worked 12 hour shifts, some of them overnight. The woman was left alone as a young girl with even younger siblings. That young girl was allowed to have a boyfriend who was 17. The young girl’s mother did not say one word to her about evaluating the quality of this boy, about making a decision about exercising her budding sexuality and definitely received no advice about using birth control. When the young girl found out she was pregnant, the boy promptly abandoned her and their child for the next five years. 

By the time I’d heard she’d been allowed to have a boyfriend and my immediate thought was, get this girl to Planned Parenthood no questions asked, it was already too late.  I discussed all of the options available to her and she chose to bring the pregnancy to term and raise her child. The more I thought about it the more I grew to see how the mother’s neglect was contemptible and deliberate. Who lets their 14 y.o date and be left alone unsupervised with a boy who was almost 18?  The idea that a mother would allow her own child to suffer is a harsh one isn’t it? 

She has friends who have been through similar situations who have gone on to have more children with different men and remain unmarried as well. There’s this resigned acceptance that marriage is for other women. That’s a lie. Black women are being told their identity is all about how many people they sacrifice for, how many children they have and to wait for the black man to “come home”. LIES. LIES. LIES.

I know other women who’ve had four or more children with different men hoping that, This time this one will be it. They’re usually involved with a black male. Who has other children. Who has not committed to any woman. Who is an inadequate father. Oh he may try and may be sincere in his efforts, but is still not fully functioning. Or he’s the guy that got one woman pregnant, moved on and married someone else (lighter, brighter, whiter). Lots of conflicts ensue from some unresolved anger about that. As long as the woman left behind is still holding on (to hurt, resentments) she cannot move forward.

African-American women have been self-sacrificing far too long. Many have come to expect their life of struggle is normal because it’s been reinforced and accepted by other people in their “community”. If you tell them the majority of other women of other groups, even other black women of different ethnicities do NOT live their lives like that, no one wants to believe this. It is ABNORMAL for nearly 80% of black women in the United States to have out of wedlock births.

Black women are still being indoctrinated by and accepting the lie of the mythical “black community”. We are being set up to perpetuate a cycle where we will never be free to live freely on our own terms. Everything is couched in this (save the) “community” and “black love” talk. There IS no COLLECTIVE community. Love is backed up by ACTION, not talk.

There are exceptions – but does it serve YOUR interest to go on scavenger hunts? There are individuals who will succeed but not the collective. Just like the Moynihan Report stated. A community is a place of safety and refuge. You are respected. Your community members look out for you and yours. You don’t get gunned down in a community. You don’t go hungry in a community. You don’t allow for 50% of your females to be raped or molested in a community. You certainly don’t pretend none of this isn’t happening!

Organizations like Raising Him Alone say they’re giving help to single black female mothers and even if they do offer something, ultimately it’s a slow death. They are STILL perpetuating the lie. If they are not actively promoting a strong, intact, healthy family structure they are just using these mothers to create some ad hoc snake oil salesman pipe dream organization. Where are they getting their funding?

It’s not okay for women to raise children ALONE. Even when you dear reader are the mother! Even when you are the most fabulous creature that ever walked the earth. Children want parents. They notice when something’s missing even if they never say anything. Other people think throwing mass amounts of capital will solve this. If people had housing, jobs and discretionary income everything would be solved. Tried and failed I’m afraid.

This isn’t about demonizing the mother who’s been left with the responsibility if she decides to keep the child after birth. What about (y)our daughters? I don’t see RHA offering a seminar on how to avoid a male predator as we know most young black girls are being impregnated by GROWN MEN who are usually at LEAST 10 years older. Are the going to send a group of the “good black men” to police these war zones where the women live while Raising Him Alone? Are they going to set up a pilot program for adoption and mental health services for these abandoned children?

I have not yet discussed the foster care system. The article I’ve linked to has a list of rather disheartening stats and questions of their own. They don’t understand the high percentage of abuse and other situations they know not to be the NORM. The majority of children are the products of black fathers who’ve also abandoned their children. I say fathers because the mothers are not all black. So this RHA group has an audience to address of black women only because many black women decided to stick it out – alone. Of course the abortion rate is 30% for black women but these are often women who already have at least one child. 

I can’t imagine how many more fatherless children would be around. I’m not condoning or vilifying, but when things are this out of control I do NOT understand why only CERTAIN aspects of this MAJOR PROBLEM is being addressed and all the others are being ignored? How is reinforcing the dysfunction with group-think going to CHANGE anything? Do people prefer to feel justified in their decisions or do they want to adapt the correct thinking necessary to not only survive but thrive? 

I have also not talked about child development and many other areas I am not professionally equipped to discuss but if you look at the STATS it’s bad news for children in this scenario. That doesn’t mean it’s hopeless, but people have got to assess these situations with their eyes wide open! Those who are their primary care givers are going to have their hands full to say the least. We’ve discussed many of these situations here at WAOD. One of my readers reminded me of this case that resulted in the premature death of Dr. Betty Shabazz.

Now I am sorry if this pains some of you reading all of this but you cannot afford to invest in rainbows and unicorns. You will need to double, no quadruple your efforts. You will need all the extra hands you can get to give that child that you love a fighting chance at a healthy life. That child that will grow to adulthood is not shown statistically speaking to have a good chance at a quality life. No it is not fair, but life isn’t fair. So do what you’ve gotta go but don’t stick your head in the sand or claim your choices are being attacked because you don’t want to face reality. The Moynihan Report was very clear in assessing the weakened family structure as the cause for all of the dysfunction and chaos.

Here is your answer:

Women must focus on rebuilding the family structure ONLY with competent and eager men from GLOBAL communities and MOST of these problems are solved.

This is why Marriage Equality is being fought for so hard by the LGBT leadership. Most of us already have the right to marry and we throw it away like it’s nothing. Don’t justify women in raising their children alone when they can be supported in creating intact families. That doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be with the man who left or presents no value. You can teach sex education but you cannot teach someone to feel loved when they know they’ve been rejected by the one that helped create them or the ones that look like them. 

Certainly there is something very wrong with these black males that have this mass dysfunction on such a grand scale. It’s not YOUR problem to solve. Why are black females not connecting the dots? The “black community” is a lie. You know that phrase. “He’s just not that into you.” The majority of black men are NOT into black women. Otherwise they wouldn’t be gone. They wouldn’t be ridiculing the darker-skinned women. They wouldn’t be flaunting their plantation fantasies in your face. They wouldn’t be telling you that what you want is asking for too much. They wouldn’t make fun of your African features. They wouldn’t be leeching you for every resources you have. Oh sure they want to keep a few of us set aside to use but they’re not honoring or cherishing black women the way we saw with our parents or grandparents. Even then it was sometimes questionable. 

So the continued answer to that question is to tell as many black girls as possible to expand their options. The RHA organization is not seeking to empower young girls when by definition they are focused on mothers and sons. Yet, it’s the girls who will get pregnant. Makes you wonder if they really have progress in mind. These girls need to be taught to seek out a wide variety of friends and experiences. To know that they are going to be rejected by some of these DBRs and be grateful. To not let themselves be used by men who despise them.To take the red pill and leave the Matrix. Date differently, mate differently and GET OUT. Rebuild the family structure with MEN (others as applicable) who are ABLE & EAGER to do so. 

These DBR black males despise themselves and their blackness. People who don’t love themselves cannot love you! They carry the psychic shame of being the descendants of slaves and don’t want anything to do with black women. They are not hiding the contempt any more. You see it by their actions. Remove the lie and it becomes obvious. There is no community, only a means of trying to tie black women together on a sinking boat

I’m certain many wish to dispute this but when your life isn’t so bad and you are the exception you don’t see the other side. There are far too many black girls who are in much worse scenarios and nobody is warning them others are keeping that “black community” lie going at their expense. To accept we’ve been lied to means we’d have to take action. Maintaining the illusion becomes more important than accepting reality or finding a better way. I cannot and will not abide with perpetuating this lie. It is a matter of life and death for far too many of us. We have no LIFE until we are actually LIVING not simply SURVIVING. That “black community” lie is a noose around the neck of every black woman who stays behind. It’s being tightened a little every day and slowly taking your last breath. LEAVE and DON’T LOOK BACK.

Black women are considered some of the most beautiful women in the world – by non black men. It is time to get out from under the “black community” lie, stop propping up other people and get yours. The numbers are such that this is about survival of the fittest, the willing, the able. Many will be left behind or choose to remain where they are. So be it. For those who want something else there is a better way and it WILL look completely different than what you imagined. That’s okay. If you had already known this many of you would have sought it out already. That’s what this post is for. To open a door. It’s your choice to see what’s on the other side. Your life and the life your (future) child(ren) depends on it.

***

I’m going to do a post where I touch on my dating experiences with white men when I lived in the UK. It’s not their being white that was special it was the fact that they appreciated me just as I was. You don’t realize how under siege black women are in this country until you leave. I think we are missing stories and alternate scenarios so many women don’t think they have other options. That is also a lie that we need to discard.

24 comments to Society Does Not Actively Support Single Motherhood (But The Black “Community” Does)

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Lyndsay: If it was concentrated to teenagers the OOW rate wouldn't be nearly as high as it is. That rate across the board has decreased somewhat. The dysfunction is across the board. Younger girls have been preyed upon by pedophiles -- much older men pushing them into sexual relationships because there's so few ppl protecting them. That's not the same thing as two teens who chose to be together then getting pregnant.

  • Lyndsay

    Hmm, perhaps the problem is more teenage single mothers? And by single I mean not in a relationship at all. I know a relationship is no guarantee of staying together forever but there are many people who intend to marry or stay together after they have kids but those people are not properly accounted for in statistics. I know certain people who had children as teenagers and I bet their children will turn out fine. Their parents helped a lot I'm sure. Sometimes the issue might not be having kids so much as what is causing the girls to have kids. Like if they don't have other expectations for their life so why not have a child?

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Lynn: ThanksTaylor-Sara: Sure link away. Thank you for stopping by. I hope you've worked on your troll infestation!!! You have a lot of great things to say and the little gremlins trying to derail your truth must not be allowed!!

  • Taylor-Sara

    Faith, you have an incredible blog. I couldn't stop reading-fantastic output. You summed it up so well with the help of some very enlightened readers. I must say I agreed 100% with all of it. Thank you for speaking so much truth. PS. I linked to you-hope that's ok

  • Lynn

    Faith said: That's why it is PARAMOUNT that a woman chose the best quality mate. For the sake of her peace and happiness and that of any children she my share with that person.Someone else said: There is a reason why more and more women are experiencing high rates of mental anxiety You can trace this to the strain of maintaining the family and working full-time without social aid.Noooo…you can trace that back to NOT DOING what Faith is suggesting. You didn't pick a quality mate…and now you and your children will suffer…and I dare say your children's children. For our future generations it's time for BW to WAKE UP…

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Feilcia: For some reason your second comment didn't show up on my dashboard until today. Thank you so much for providing such detailed information.This is helpful for those that think if they've found their "black prince" solely based on the race model of finding a husband that they will be okay. That was also why I added that blurb about Kelis divorcing Nas and how it's going to be an ugly one. He wants to be a (cheap) paycheck daddy apparently, but she already knew what kind of man he was when she married him based on his previous relationships. It was all lovey dovey until the fun times stop and the real person comes out.That's why it is PARAMOUNT that a woman chose the best quality mate. For the sake of her peace and happiness and that of any children she my share with that person.

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Roslyn: You always offer the unvarnished clarity necessary. For those that don't know you have a background in social work and understand first hand what the system can and cannot provide as well as the mentality of those it serves.

  • roslynholcomb

    There is a reason why more and more women are experiencing high rates of mental anxiety You can trace this to the strain of maintaining the family and working full-time without social aid. Instead of telling women to close their legs you should be advocating for a systemic change to encourage communal responsibility for all children. The issue of being a single mother would not be bad if we all collectively gave a damn, ReneOHMIGOD. Are you serious? You really think that because some people are foolish enough to go out there creating children they can't support that we're supposed to advocate for a 'communal responsibility for all children?' We already have a network for taking care of children: IT'S CALLED FAMILIES. That is the framework in which you're supposed to produce children. Apparently it's an alien concept to some, but that's what it is, and has been for many millennia. Why? Because it works. Does it work perfectly? Nope, but it's certainly better than the alternative. We've spent billions of dollars and countless hours trying to re-invent the wheel here when study after study, and just common sense tells us that FAMILIES work. Nobody is going to spend the money and time to take care of your children for you. It's your responsibility. You owe it to them to do your absolute best to choose responsible family-minded partners before you decide to have babies. If you choose not to do that, how dare you then think you're somehow entitled to assistant from the community?

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Aphrodite: Thanks for de-lurking.C4L: Thank youYes all the lurkers….it would be good to provide some constructive feedback!!! Give something for what is being shared.

  • C4L

    Thank you for allowing me to post the link :) (with source of course!)I am dismayed but not surprised at the venom that has been demonstrated by some.The truth is painful and pulling back the scab to see what is festering beneath is not pretty.HOWEVER, if there is any chance to help those who WANT a way out or to let them know there IS another way, then these words need to be said.I salute you for having the intestinal fortitude to bring this issue to light so eloquently and will continue to support where I can (as I am no longer living in the U.S.) by spreading the word.THANK YOU!

  • Aphrodite

    Thank you Faith for these two posts. They were very well written and clear. I really appreciate you for highlighting how all of this affects girls. I have been lurking and after reading some of the posters I feel like I am on the plantation with black girls as prized breeders.I don't understand the way some of the defensive posters think. Divorcee's and widows are different. The divorced poster sounds bitter -- someone owes her something for "doing the right thing" (she needs to read Evia's site i.e. vetting and life is not fair) -- while Rene's comment instantly made me think this must be what a welfare queen is. My mother, also a widow and totally against women and girls having babies OOW, explained to me that once upon a time some working class/lower class black girls and women felt that it was ok if they became pregnant OOW bc they could get money, food, etc from the government. It may not have been enough to live on, but it was a "safety net" of sorts. I am wondering if this organization that focuses only on women is sending the same type this is ok and neo-welfare queen message. I would hate for something like this to go national MSM. I am wondering about the damage it could do to our collective interests/image. Thank you Miriam for breaking it down the way you did.

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Miriam: Thank you….I don't know what else to say…right now…I really had no idea this was such a volatile issue for so many..but of course I should have realized this as we see the havoc….

  • Sister Seeking, Miri

    ContinuedOur children are in foster care, many are ending up dead, missing, and sexually/physically abused.Poor single mothers have the highest infant mortality rates.How is opening our legs helping us NOW?There is a reason why more and more women are experiencing high rates of mental anxiety You can trace this to the strain of maintaining the family and working full-time without social aid. Instead of telling women to close their legs you should be advocating for a systemic change to encourage communal responsibility for all children. The issue of being a single mother would not be bad if we all collectively gave a damn, Rene_____________________________This attitude is one of many reasons I don’t think we will ever get more public benefits. There is a huge difference at helping the deserving poor versus people who believe they have a right to procreate outside of an arrangement in which they cannot protect, provide, and socialize their children. We have access to abortion, and birth control. The majority of black women is not being forced into single parenthood (widows, divorcee’s) but are giving their sacred womb away to suicidal men. Everyone is not a parent, and may not feel obligated to provide for the children of other people. Some who are parents who have organized their lives to provide for all of their children’s needs may not have the resources, or feel obligated as they are doing what it takes, to raise their own children. Public aide for these families would come after exhausting their own financial and familial resources. Having a sense of entitlement that the community owes you because you have children rubs the people who have actually have the power to help you the wrong way. Marriage is a choice. Parenting is a choice. We are all responsible for our sexual choices rather they transpire within a traditional marriage or not.

  • Sister Seeking, Miri

    Peace and blessings Faith,I’d like to share a short Islamic supplication with you:Autho billhai mina shaytanir rajeem“I seek refuge with you God from Satan the outcast”I believe the Christian equivalent is: Satan, get thee, behind me.Sr. Faith, I encourage you to seek refuge from other black women whose hearts have been hardened with pain so much so, that they are envious of you, and wish that you experience more pain, misery, and humiliation than they are experiencing. Let these comments be an example to other women who are unmarried and childless how much other black women envy those very circumstances, and await your decline. Some of these women claim to be protecting some type of ideology but if you look a little closer, they know they have made a mistake be it in the type of mate they chose or the type of man they procreated with. They didn’t make it, so they don’t want you to make it. If you’re a young woman out there, LISTEN, and take heed. Allot of the conditioning/brainwashing isn’t always coming from black men or DBR black men but BW. Faith, I am both a wife, and a mother. You do NOT need to be a wife or a mother to voice your concerns, complaints, or wishes about single parenthood. Being single and childless doesn’t make you automatically inexperienced, and clueless. Dr. Spock ( considered a leading pediatrician) own son committed suicide—yet this so called “expert”-- with children- wrote extensively on childhood development in his parenting books.___________________________________It seems to me the entire purpose of this article is to tell young women to shut their legs because otherwise they will ruin their lives. As you sit there and tout the "traditional family" does it even occur to you the ways that women are exploited even within so called protected spheres. There is a reason why more and more women are experiencing high rates of mental anxiety. You can trace this to the strain of maintaining the family and working full-time without social aid. Instead of telling women to close their legs you should be advocating for a systemic change to encourage communal responsibility for all children. The issue of being a single mother would not be bad if we all collectively gave a damn, Rene___________________________________Was it Einstein who declared that to do something over, and over again, while expecting a different result was INSANITY?How is *NOT* closing our legs working for us?We remain the ONLY group of women in OUR OWN nation with the highest rates of singlehood, and many of us are expected to NEVER marry.Single parenthood for OUR people places our children at risk for psychological, behavioral, educational, and nutritional dysfunctions—female children are at risk of rape/molestation/teen pregnancy and male children at are risk for incarceration and illiteracy.BW’s mental health is deteriorating from being overworked because many of our extended family systems are inadequate or completely gone—some are unsafeAnd let’s not forget:HIV/AIDS in 2005 •According to the 2000 census, blacks make up approximately 13% of the US population. However, in 2005, blacks accounted for 18,121 (49%) of the estimated 37,331 new HIV/AIDS diagnoses in the United States in the 33 states with long-term, confidential name-based HIV reporting [2].* •Of all black men living with HIV/AIDS, the primary transmission category was sexual contact with other men, followed by injection drug use and high-risk heterosexual contact [2]. •Of all black women living with HIV/AIDS, the primary transmission category was high-risk heterosexual contact, followed by injection drug use [2]. •Of the estimated 141 infants perinatally infected with HIV, 91 (65%) were black (CDC, HIV/AIDS Reporting System, unpublished data, December 2006). •Of the estimated 18,849 people under the age of 25 whose diagnosis of HIV/AIDS was made during 2001–2004 in the 33 states with HIV reporting, 11,554 (61%) were black [3]. http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/aa/resources/factsheets/aa.htm

  • Felicia

    This is possibly unrelated but I need to through it out there regardless.Staunch black love/black marriage day advocates need to tell the FULL story of what happens to most black relationships for a variety of issues.Dissolution.There needs to be truth in advertising. I would suspect that most BW entering intraracial (black/black) marriages probably have no idea the odds are actually stacked against them from the start.My hunch is this "black love" spiel is mostly targeted towards BW. In order to "keep hope alive" when this hope needs to be redirected outside of the "bc".That facts are…http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0HKU/is_5_1/ai_66918338/"The structure of the black family has undergone significant change over the past 30 year. [1,3] One dramatic aspect has been a loosening of the marital bonds. The proportion of black couples who have divorced has increased, and the proportion of black couples who have married has declined. [1] Two thirds of all black marriages end in divorce, and 2 of 3 black children will experience the dissolution of their parents' marriage by the time they reach age 16."So yeah, the quality of most black marriages appear to be no better than the quality of life the singles are living. Which is unfortunate.I just think knowledge is power. All of these disappointing statistics concerning the actual state of the "bc" are readily available at the touch of ones fingertips.I strongly urge BW to search out "the real deal" concerning important matters (like relationships and the likelihood of them continuing when you "keep it black") themselves.And when in a relationship (hopefully leading towards marriage) with a man of ANY "race", to watch closely the way he relates to the female members of his family. Did he come from an intact family? Did he have an active father, uncle, Grandfather, or other male relative who modeled normal behavior for him?A man must be vetted well and its best to trust your instincts too.After doing everything right when it comes to vetting, you could still end up with a lemon of course.It's just less likely.Regardless, one does have to move on when a relationship/marriage ends.My hope is that BW who are interested in marriage (or remarriage) start opening themselves to ALL possibilities "race" wise, when it comes to the dating and mating game.Otherwise, these days they're simply going to LOSE.

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    lotusdoll: THANK YOU. I think you may the the 1st commenter who has admitted single motherhood isn't the "ideal" scenario. Again, this isn't about judging, slut shaming, whatever. It's about addressing behavior and attitudes that is having a huge negative impact on the majority of a minority population. People will listen or not to their own peril. At least you changed course for yourself. I hope you find the happiness and stability you are seeking with men of caliber who want to protect and provide.

  • lotusdoll

    Bravo! I agree 100% Single motherhood isn't good for the children. I'm a single mother and I've tried hard to enlighten both of my girls the best I could and I've done a darn good job. My girls are lovely young women but it was darn hard and I don't recommend it for anyone. Black men are the best but for many, the mentality is not one of wholesome family oriented togetherness when it comes to sticking with Black women. Being sick of it, I've dated outside my race with more success and appreciation. I'm open to anyone who has a great heart.

  • ActsofFaithBlog

    Felicia: Thank you. It's hard for me to accept the acknowledgment because I am seriously only saying the things that every woman should have been shouting from the rooftops. I may try to channel this offline by helping someone but I'll have to assess the risks/reward factors.C4L: Please do and thanks! If anyone wants to link (as long as you give proper attribution) please do. No need to ask. We need to get the message out to as many who will listen!!!Celeste: Ah another creative. I'm working on a post about Cleage, Shange, hooks, Walker and other black women who've taken the slings and arrows before us, warning us but nobody wanted to listen. I think even if you tell them and give them then a vision board book or some other incentive it will plant a seed. Renee: You are in a loving relationship with a man, have wonderful children and are cared for on your terms. If other black girls could have that option doing things the way they are being done now there'd be no need for this post at all. Everyone would be fine. You are already divested.The average existence for a black girl in this country is not that rosy. Having adequate health insurance is a completely separate argument IMO because that still doesn't provide for a FATHER. Girls are being raped and molested so this isn't a situation where they were making CHOICES on their own but having them STOLEN because NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM. I did not tout the "traditional" family as the ONLY solution. I have made caveats for LGBT families but since I'm talking about mostly heterosexual black females and males and the children they produce together then YES children need a MOM & a DAD. There is NO SUBSTITUTE for that. If uncles/grandpa has to step in fine because life happens but we are talking about the ideal situation and getting the word out that these girls have options other than what they see and other than what they're being told. Like the ones you've made for yourself. Perhaps you need to re-read my post because that's the entire point. Women need to be in a stable family structure when they have children. For the sake of the children. It's about the children.Bluebutterfly: "If the home is not functioning nothing else will". That sums it up!Anonymous: You diminish your argument by not filling out a minimal profile so I will take everything you've said with a grain of salt.There's no stereotyping going on here. An 80% OOW birth rate is a NATIONAL DISASTER. This should be on the evening news. There should be a Congressional session to discuss what they're going to do to address it. But it's black people so they're just going to be cannon fodder. I CARE, DO YOU? If you were married then this doesn't really apply to you does it? This isn't about your ego about being compared to 14yo. What 14yo is equipped to make a good decision? That was my point. She'd been emotionally abandoned and left to fend for herself. Otherwise it would have NEVER happened. Insulting me does nothing to address these problems but vent away if it makes you feel better. ***All of you who wish to continue to obfuscate this issue: IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about saving other girls who have NO ONE ADVOCATING FOR THEM. You can do it your way and I will do it mine.

  • Anonymous

    While I largely agree with the sentiment of what you are saying, I also think you enter a dangerous zone in stereotyping black people and families. You are not married, you don't have children. I was once you…your idealism is cute but it's not very realistic.I was married for 6 years, and have been divorced for 2. I waited 3 years to have children with my husband (you know…one of those GOOD men you promise you will end up with). But, we are divorced. Marriage is hard and it's not always pretty. So here I am, a GROWN black woman, a single mother. Who would have ever thought it? I played along with all of the rules like you did…choose a good mate, I waited until I had my master's degree to begin having children, I chose a man of Christ to build a home with. But Black, white or yellow, black happens.Yes, I am a black single mother. Trust me, I was idealistic as you were, but your idealism serves as proof that life has just not dealt with you in the way it has others. I was raised by a mother and father who have been married for 30 years, had a wonderful support system, am educated, and married well. But again, life happens.The point is, I and I'm sure others like me, don't appreciate being clumped into the same category as pregnant 14 year olds. No, my children were not out of wedlock, and I sure did all of those things you congratulate yourself for. But here I am. I have/had plenty of self respect. You are demonizing black men and black women because good, bad or indifferent, and though there are certain trends, even a black MARRAIGE is simply made of two people who very well may eventually need to not be married to each other any more. Are they too to be condemned? Are you really so idealistic to think that only marriages to "bad men" end? Do you really think divorced women all just didn't choose as wisely as you surely think you will? Are you able to guarantee that when you are in a secure place and decide to have children, you will have the martial bliss and perfect family you seek? God bless you I hope that you do, but you sound awfully critical of those who don't. It's easy to think you are the reason for your good fortune until some really bad fortune hits.My ex husband is a grown man, no criminal record. He does not see our children often, we now live in different states. My children have wonderful support. Yes, there is an epidemic. But please choose your words carefully so as not to make us all a part of it, because even Cinderella, when you play by all the rules, things just may not go your way.

  • BLUEBUTTERFLY

    Faith, keep pressing this issue.Spiritually, we are not meant to be boxed in. If you've been to Chuck-E-Cheese you'll know what I'm talking about. Kids that have never met each other before will just jump into the fun and start playing. Community is not meant to be closed, but open. What do I mean? Humans are created for expansion. As it relates to the African-American community, we were forced together on slave ships to be transported to another continent; but, not even in Africa did we come from one region. There were multiple languages, tribes, customs and nations involved in the trade. The choice of a mate is, of course, a personal decision. But, if your sole reason for being alone is that of race, you need to do a spiritual check-up. You're either saying that you're not "good enough" for someone of another race or they're not "good enough" for you. Something is wrong with that thinking. Further, if you choose to bring children into this world, THEY WILL NEED A FAMILY UNIT. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT!My father was missing from my younger years (living in another country), but my uncles and grandfathers took over that role and made a drastic difference in my life. They were actively involved in everything, so the root of abandonment that grows into low self-esteem, anger and rebellion never took hold.As I Christian, the foundation for my life is the Bible. Jesus, made it a point when He encountered anyone to tell them to return "home". He always came to visit the "household", not just for the man or the woman or the child. He tried to save Noah and his household. He tried to save Lot and his household. He saved Jonah and an entire city. Simply put, if the home is not functioning, nothing else will.The Bible specifically warns women about CREEPERS (TLC didn't create the term) in 2 Timothy 3:2-7; and in 1 Timothy 5:8 God instructs men that if they don't provide for their homes they are in denial of their faith. EVERY OTHER FAITH has some form of these requirements for making home a safe and balanced environment. There's no getting around it."For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.""But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

  • Renee

    ther people think throwing mass amounts of capital will solve this. If people had housing, jobs and discretionary income everything would be solved. Tried and failed I'm afraid.Gotta say that this is positively fallacious. We do little support mothers in so-called intact families let alone single mothers. The Us does not even have socialized medicine never mind socialized day care. Most teenage mothers are forced to drop out of school because of this and as we all know without at least a high school education you are on the path to poverty. There are no nation wide programs designed to assist single parents. It seems to me the entire purpose of this article is to tell young women to shut their legs because otherwise they will ruin their lives. As you sit there and tout the "traditional family" does it even occur to you the ways that women are exploited even within so called protected spheres. There is a reason why more and more women are experiencing high rates of mental anxiety. You can trace this to the strain of maintaining the family and working full-time without social aid. Instead of telling women to close their legs you should be advocating for a systemic change to encourage communal responsibility for all children. The issue of being a single mother would not be bad if we all collectively gave a damn,

  • Celeste

    Ditto, ditto, ditto to all you and other posters have said. You've summed it all up. I've been feeling these things but I didn't have the words to say it exactly. As a playwright, I've gone into school rooms, talking about creativity and I always felt compelled to tell the innocent young blk girls to go climb a mountain, go deep sea diving, visit other countries, do something different, only don't burden themselves with the low expectations that others have for them. I told them to do like Atlas did, who was holding up the world on his shoulders--shrug. I didn't know that what I really wanted to tell them was GET OUT and don't look back. All of the messages that black women are getting are telling them to stay on the plantation (bc) while all the while blk men of all stripes have being trying to go mainstream. Wake up blk women! Thank you for what you're doing to help future generations of blk women.Celeste

  • C4L

    This was excellent!!!I truly cannot add any more, it was right on point. As I keep saying here and on Khadija's -- Ladies the time is NOW to take ACTION to improve your life and circumstances. It is the only way to escapeMay I post this link on another site that is visited my young black women as a "Public Service Announcement"?

  • Felicia

    THAT WAS EXCELLENT WITH A CAPITAL E!THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SPEAKING THE TRUTH.Heaven knows I'd add something if I felt it was necessary.But alas, you've said all that needed to be said. And then some.You've taken the words right out of my mouth.Black women still in the Matrix (the majority) need to face the truth UNFLINCHINGLY because ONLY the truth will set them free.