She has heard the message of empowerment and despite choosing to ignore the bulk of it, enough has seeped in that she can no longer pretend. Despite her best efforts at carrying the load she now notices the massive amount of excess weight on her shoulders. Even as she continues to beat the drum of the black male/save the community mantra she’s growing increasingly frustrated for her self-limiting choices. She just won’t admit it. This is why it becomes futile to try to free a mind past a certain point. Yes, I took that from the Matrix. The movie touched on universal themes of how people are being controlled and the struggles of those who want to break out of the pod and the fake world for REALITY.
This may be a bit of a venting moment for me because I allowed myself to be drawn into a useless conversation with one such woman. To be clear I do not subscribe to any delusions of grandeur. I’m not waving a wand or adjusting my tiara from a lofty perch. I, too have had to put in hours of internal evaluation while uncovering painful truths. I’ve also freed myself from concepts that would continue to diminish my life. My journey as with life is a continuing one. If I had my wish I would have figured these paradigms out ten years ago – heck even five – because I told myself I had all the time in the world to do so under the assumption it would be quick. My life would be completely different now if I had. The show must go on though and I can still take comfort in knowing I’m in a better place and will act accordingly.
I’ve learned my lesson after dealing with your garden-variety obstructionists to those who’ve missed diagnoses of psychopathic disorders. Even exploring the possibility of evaluating these ideologies brings such fierce objections from women who are unwilling to explore concepts beyond what’s familiar or discomforting. First, comes the accusation of my being passive aggressive/too dismissive because I generally refuse to rehash why black women need to look at shared values above race/ethnicity from those who’ve stated they don’t agree (the nothing but a black man types). This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this by the way, but it makes no sense for me to try to convince anyone of anything when they are closed-minded. Would you spend time arguing with an unrepentant child molester? I have better things to do with my time!
Next comes the talk about how she’s met numerous wonderful black men (yet she remains curiously un-partnered or inadequately so). Then, she has to insist that her willful self-limitation is a preference or worse that it’s biology that compels her. All of which removes the decision-making process to external forces and not chosen actions. Now, we all know black males have no such biological programming when it comes to them dating and marrying non-black women. Isn’t it odd this “biology” has singularly attached itself to mostly African-American women? Yes, stating these convoluted reasons comes across as insane to normal people but we’re talking about the indoctrinated. No such deductive reasoning applies.
What really gets my goat is how these indoctrinated women won’t let it go. They’re the other dimension to those who’ve designed that box for black women to reside in that ultimately diminishes their life span. They can’t go back to complete ignorance and are resistant to change – but they don’t want any other women to make affirming choices. To them it’s a slap in face for their complacency. Even as those of us who discuss matters of empowerment and living optimal lifestyles are doing so to elevate other women, we are viewed as enemies by many. There’s a difference between agreeing to disagree and continually circling around the reinforcement of ideologies that don’t work. They resent the efforts of those women who’re doing the necessary work towards their elevation and it makes no LOGICAL sense.
Some of you reading may be wondering why it’s an either/or scenario. Well, it’s due to the focus on what other women are doing when it’s opposite of their own efforts. Of course they’re not actually making any serious efforts they’re waiting (wasting time they can never get back). It is often denied vehemently even after they’ve clearly stated it. They’re waiting for those who’ve gotten out of the Matrix or are in process of doing so to fail in some way so they feel good about their choices to hold out for the exception.
I know a few black women who are happily single, actively preparing for partners and even some who are in fulfilled marriages to black males. They’re not harping on this. It’s those women who are dissatisfied that won’t let it go. It’s due to their hostility towards other women who discuss means of empowerment, why interracial dating should be a regular occurrence, that marriage needs to be put back on the table as a birth right for any female born (or made) into a patriarchal society, to stop attempting to disqualify statistics that reflect the current sorry state for the majority, why blocking any logical conclusions from a proper analysis of how poor decisions have negatively impacted recent generations will ensure it continues to implode and especially from properly assessing the behaviors and motives of black males. While there is hatred of self there is also hatred for black women long at play. It has been steadily increasing to the point it has escalated to violence. These Dunbar Village type crimes are not an anomaly. They are strong indicators of what the future will be for many black women if they don’t remove themselves from dangerous black males and their enablers.
Many are familiar with the term DBR (damaged beyond repair) but they don’t really understand what it means and how it applies to the psyche of a corrupted soul. Nor is it stated how this is the equivalent of walking amongst suicide bombers. They want to take out as many others as they can – as well as themselves. Some people want the government to (rightfully) classify the KKK as a domestic terrorist group but ignore how similar actions are being enacted by blacks against other blacks. Hence the violence against other black males – but that’s at least being discussed. Although the conversation is misleading and misdirected I don’t see any pushback on those stats. In fact, there’s been a glorification of a certain mentality that justifies criminality, never imposes personal responsibility and always blames it on racism or lack of opportunities. That’s a LOT of negativity and the epitome of allowing fear to take over.
While I empathize with black males and see how many feel angry about systematic oppression their focus as a collective does nothing to address it. They want to obliterate themselves and their image. They expect women to carry them and do not focus on our uplift. If they can’t be contributing members of society they are useless to your elevation. This is why black women have to start thinking of themselves by their gender and position in a patriarchal world before race. While our cultural legacies have great significance nothing else should trump women living in Western cultures (who seemingly have more freedoms) from getting everything they deserve.
Many black males will complain about “the man” at the drop of a hat but are eager to be accepted by white males as equals. They want everything and anyone white males have access to but won’t do the necessary infrastructure building to sustain the black community. They reject black women as worthy mates but do not hesitate to use them as battery fuel to sustain themselves with (yes another Matrix reference). When you have a group of males who refuse to provide stability for their offspring you will see how quickly it declines. They know they are inadequate in many ways but when not blaming it on whitey they will tell black women we are expecting too much. Just like gangsta rap, BET and the various “hood” movies ushered in a new era of denigration, so this illogical feeding frenzy about the romantic options for upwardly mobile black women continue the assault. War has been declared on us but we haven’t mobilized a response and are being attacked on all sides, picked off one by one.
It makes me wonder how many more casualties will it take to wake many of us up out of our Matrix-style coma of magical thinking. When in comparison to those from other groups who have also had to overcome external oppression, we as blacks have failed miserably at protecting women, children and the elderly. It is not the job of the females of any collective to advance it forward or protect it on their own. This isn’t the land of Amazon and while a group of women who are self-governing, living separately amongst their gender may not be a bad idea, far too many black women defer to misogynistic males to make that a viable option.
You know there is another term that is far more widely used than DBR to describe the mentality and actions of males who respond to their misogyny and sexism and take it out on women: serial killer. If you look at the profile these males are usually white, well-educated and often considered attractive. It makes no logical sense for them to derive pleasure from taunting, maiming, raping and killing women but they are damaged beyond repair. So to answer another question many pose, no you cannot “love” these men back to normal behavior. There are probably more black male defilers of women per population count but it’s being ignored because they’re targeting black women. Yet if you look at the response from the white collective they correctly label such men a danger to their group’s continued advancement. They have criminologists and profilers who’ve studied the reasons behind their behavior and they DO NOT CONDONE IT.
Likewise for those that target children, they make certain there’s repercussions for those who take out their aggression in such a way. Even after some who’ve been caught and served time they want to make sure everyone knows they still may pose a threat, hence the sexual offenders registry, Meghan’s Lawand the Amber Alert. Shows like Nancy Grace put the harm that comes to white women and children on blast. While many of us complain black women and children are not given equal concern why is the focus on whites valuing us when we show we don’t value ourselves? Not only are the males not being held accountable but this will bring us back to the beginning of this conversation – why don’t black women love themselves enough to put their needs as individuals first? Why is the idea of self-actualization met with open hostility? Why does telling black women to think of themselves as WOMEN first and race last so threatening? Why do so many black women continue to focus all of their time, energy and money on false ideologies? Why are so many of us settling?
We’re at the proverbial fork in the road. Some of us will take the path that leads to our freedom while others will choose the path that encircles. So while they may be walking they’re ultimately not going anywhere. They are free to stay on the Titanic while it sinks. Just stop blocking other women from their own elevation, especially the next generation. We all have free will to make choices. Some are making the wrong ones but an increasing majority aren’t even exercising their basic options. To each her own – but make sure that you can still find a chair when the music stops.