Back in the olden days of my 20’s I once looked askance at the book The Rules because I thought it contained a lot of archaic, anti-woman rhetoric that went against current norms. We were women, we were empowered and we could do whatever we wanted. We roared. We didn’t have to wait for anything. Since we could earn a living like a man (minus the pay equity) why couldn’t we go after what we wanted in the dating realm, too?
Then when Sex and the City hit the airwaves it was if a bomb had dropped. Samantha Jones both thrilled and repulsed me. Actually all of the characters did on some level and not just because I noticed they could get away with many things as white women of a certain class tier that many of us could not. They also had plenty of foibles. I’ve covered why I also think there’s a reinforcement of some indoctrination, particularly with Miranda and her marriage to a lesser-than “good” guy.
Ultimately, as time has passed I’ve had the opportunity to revisit the book and as such I’ve undergone a shift in perspective about many things, I now realize how useful a lot of the advice is. Of course I take everything with a grain of salt. We must always have our own personal safety net and be ready to walk away from any relationship that becomes unfulfilling or abusive. We’re not Cinderella and won’t get to ride off with a Prince. Actually, I’ll amend that. Read my post on Cinderella as Guerilla Training Manual For Empowered Women. Yes, we can if go looking for a prince of our own, we just don’t need to play the damsel in distress role to succeed at life and with men. There’s a difference between being supported and constantly needing to be rescued. We are or will (hopefully) become savvy enough to know the difference and be prepared accordingly.
Since a reader commented that they liked that I’d shared some personal information I will talk about something else I’ve learned when it comes to dating. This was a critical mistake on my part, too and only reaffirms that women must behave like ladies if they want to be treated as one!
Lesson #1: DO NOT ASK A GUY OUT!!!! While someone will offer their exception story to the contrary we are talking about the standard operating procedures for women in a patriarchal society. Do not be the “man”. Patty Stanger often refers to women who display “masculine” energy often turn-off men. At least the non-thugs, non-bad boys, non-issue-plagued ones. Weed out all the little boys, those confused about their roles, the over-pompous jerks, closet deviants, the ones in relationships or worse with multiple women on the side and the guppies. Just throw them back!
True story: I was at a hardware store with a friend a few years ago when the clerk who rang her order was clearly checking me out and he was cute! He was a Keanu Reeves doppelganger (but not HAPA) and I thought better looking. My friend said something to me about how it was obvious he was interested and maybe he couldn’t say anything because we were customers but I dismissed it. I thought if he didn’t say anything there was a reason why. So a week later we’re back (I made her go) and I swear I walked in and out twice to buy gum, a newspaper, whatever. I went back because I second-guessed my instincts and thought I was blowing a chance a true love. Or perhaps I was hormonal and needed to mate. But the guy did not ask me out. Finally I went back in and said something about how I thought he was cute…and it was awkward and painful. He told me he had a girlfriend, I apologized and do you know how stupid I felt? VERY!!! I wish I could say I was 16 and didn’t know any better.
See, if the guy was actually available he may have asked me out – at least he wasn’t a creep or a cheater but I put myself in a precarious situation by stepping outside the NORM for what feminine, “catch me if you can” women do.
I’ve had enough guys ask me out just for breathing in their general vicinity that I was not even remotely interested in to know IF THEY ARE INTERESTED and KNOW YOU ARE RECEPTIVE they will TAKE THE LEAD. Do not listen to anyone else who tells you otherwise, but for AA black women you must know that your demeanor is friendly enough and inviting where a non-BM will find it easy to approach you. Until we replace the bad publicity from the DBRs and their indoctrinated enablers that’s what we’re working with. Accept it and address it.
For everyone else, it’s all about persistence, timing and preparation. Present your best self and your counterpart will be revealed. In the meantime, it’s December. We’ve got mistletoe, holiday parties and New Year’s Eve which should generate a lot of (potential) activity. Carpe Diem!
If you’re so inclined drop a few thoughts about your dating “rules” that have been time-tested and successful, not theories – in the comment section.
Think And Act Like A Prize And Get Treated Like One The Art Of Being Feminine