Just A Reminder Of How Men Who Appreciate Women Behave

I was reading an article from 2007 about why white males were drawn to black women the other day. The comments are worth their weight in gold! Three years later it has generated more than 6000 responses. People have had questions, trolls have tried to misdirect the focus but mostly the exchange has been encouraging.

With the shifting persepctives in modern society any number of men and women can be confused about their roles, defining their expectations, setting standards, ensuring reciprocity and learning how to choose someone based on our needs.

This is one aspect to online conversations about how quality men behave can be very helpful for both genders. For men there’s a measuring stick by which they can engage(agree, dispute or offer caveats). For women they can reassess their perspectives and reaffirm (or reset) established norms.

These online forums provide a useful purpose to compliment our offline lives. Being bombarded by multiple conflicting messaging makes defining clarity even more important. For those women still unattached, in substandard liaisons and ready to make a change, surveying the landscape before taking a plunge into unchartered waters is key.

I’m going to highlight one encouraging quote from a male commenter discussing the type of woman he appreciates, what he expects from a relationship and what he offers in return. Being appreciated is so sexy!

reader forrestsmiles wrote:

Let me, as a white man, who dates pretty much only black women state what my reasons are. A black woman with some class, who is proud of how she looks in her tight jeans and high heels or how she looks behind closed doors is extremely attractive to me. A black woman typically has beautiful skin, beautiful lips, many times a pretty smile with bright white teeth and bright eyes, wonderful curves and if she is trim and takes care of herself and is blessed with good genes… there is no one more sexually attractive, no one I want to adore more, no one else I want to look at or have my way with.

As a man, I can still stray, but it is not as much in my nature or my culture, or as acceptable. Appreciate me, touch me, be affectionate with me, dress for me, go to ALL the trouble you do with your hair, to look good for me, be late on a date cuz you are working hard to look HOTT for me, and I will be loyal to you, and i will love you. I will buy beautiful clothes and open an account at Victoria Secret for you, I will take you to the best restaurants (that I can afford), I will take you to a play, the theatre, to ballet, to see Tyler Perry’s “Madea”, (front row seats last week in Miami… cost me a fortune)… I will love you in every position i can think of, i will live our everyday life as excitiing and fun as i can, i will make you laugh, i will be myself with you… at times, be the macho man that i am, and at times, be a bit vulnerable… letting you see that side of me. I will cook for you, i will smoke ribs and chicken for you on Sunday, i will take you fishin and come home and cook it outside so as not to stink up your clean house… I will lay down my jacket across a puddle to allow you to pass, not getting those spiked over the knee boots wet. ( OK, check that, you may have to settle for a piggy back ride there). I think a black woman appreciates the qualities i present and generally appreciate a good man, because she has been cheated on, because the former Tyrone’s in her life have never stepped up, never kept their word, treated them poorly, denied them the opportunity to advance, demeaned them and broke down their self image and confidence, culturally and otherwise.

Some black women are very independent as well, and have done it for themselves for so long, they don’t really NEED a man. That does not threaten me, i admire an intelligent black woman. As long as they appreciate me for being there and loving them, as long as they share my life with me equally, not wanting a sugar daddy, I will return that love with the same love… and then some. I don’t see me feeling that way about white women in general… not putting anyone down, i think it is just in my genes… it is just raw attraction and preference.

A black women knows how to take care of her man… in, and out of the bedroom.


My assessment of his comment is that he – like most men – want a woman who’s comfortable with who she is, feminine and is willing to let them take the lead. It’s not that we woman can’t be completely self-sufficient: it’s that we don’t needlessly have to be. As I mature in age and point of view I’ve really come to appreciate the idea of high-value companionship. This goes back to a comment I made in an earlier post. Healthy people = Healthy relationships. Not perfect mind you, but normal.

I used this example because of the well-documented consternation many American-born black women have expressed about choosing a wider variety of viable males and those who want to selectively hang on to historic wrongs from a racial perspective. All of which is expressed in the comment section at that forum.

As wise women we should continually find ways to make male patriarchy work  to our advantage. 

12 Replies to “Just A Reminder Of How Men Who Appreciate Women Behave”

  1. What a lovely post… Always nice to read/hear a man talk approvingly and lovingly about black women. Thanks for posting and reminding us how a good, quality man treats his woman.

  2. Denis: I meant patriarchy. It is the focus of some women (often white) who often refer to themselves as feminists who directly compete with men and who think they want to dismantle patriarchy not realizing how much they benefit from it. The aspect where patriarchy works for women is where their image is protected and their desirability is touted as well as the overall well-being of their group's standing in society comes into play. Read my previous essay on "5th" Wave Feminism/Womanism for reference. Chivalry is one aspect of behavior that quality men possess in how they treat women.

  3. I know this sounds weird, but if a women shows shes too independent, she could attract guys who are NOT and expect them to take care of him--even if a woman is a good hunter and extremely self-sufficient, she should NEVER EVER compete with men.I believe it weakens them. Although we could compete with the girls hang-gliding, flying planes, etc. This, I believe is why women 'pretended' to not know much, and men bought it (you know we have a lot more knowledge than them; the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world)we need to teach girls to be ladylike again

  4. What he said was kinda cool BUT i'm not used to guys telling he likes a type of woman without thinking about lifetime MARRIAGE; white guys in the deep south said the same thing (could be why Plessy vs Fergussen was passed in 1896; their white mothers didn't like it; and they make babies with black women)also, saying he might 'stray' ahem, if a man does that, he could make another woman pregnant as well (at least he's honest though)

  5. I'm a lurker and rarely post here, but I love your blog. Great comments the guy made and hopefully it shows black women what a healthy viable life partner aught to behave.

    ps. as 20 something black woman, I do not like Tyler Perry movies and can't stand him for some reason.

    1. I think some of ya'll are reading too much into the Tyler Perry mention. This isn't about Perry! That was about this man paying attentio to and meeting the needs/wants of his date/girlfriend in participating in what she likes. I'm critical of Perry for a reason but you know what -- he's filled a void. When others step forward with compelling stories (hopefully it will be a black woman with business savvy) they'll have ana ctive fan base as well.

      Valerie: I'm trying to focus on the overall sentiment of his comment.

      Jubilee: The article I linked to has more than 6000 comments. Marriage is discussed by other posters. It would be best to not take comments out of their intended context. As for women deciding whether or not to directly compete with men: that's up to an individual woman and the pros & cons for her actions and the specific circumstances. If a woman is well-adjusted and with an adequate male I don't see where she would be trying to compete with a man she's seeking to or has mated with. Neither should the male for that matter. That's why the best relationships are reciprocal.

      Hodan: The comment I've used was an example of a pattern of behavior that men who are capable of and willing to support & care for other women follow.

  6. IN response to this passage:

    'My assessment of his comment is that he – like most men – want a woman who’s comfortable with who she is, feminine and is willing to let them take the lead. It’s not that we woman can’t be completely self-sufficient: it’s that we don’t needlessly have to be. As I mature in age and point of view I’ve really come to appreciate the idea of high-value companionship. This goes back to a comment I made in an earlier post. Healthy people = Healthy relationships. Not perfect mind you, but normal. '

    That brings to mind a scene from the Julie Dash film DAUGHTERS OF THE DUST (1991) when the character Yellow Mary speaks to her cousin about a problem in regards to the cousin's husband. She basically says 'You have a good man. A man you can depend upon. Not that you want to have to depend upon him but it's nice to know that if you have to you can.' Those lines have stuck with me after all these years because they say so much about what I look for and I am sure many other women look for in a man…or should be.

    Keep up the good work on your blog…my mother enjoys your postings as well.

    1. Chelle Belle: Thanks for commenting. I have two generations reading my posts -- very impressive!! As long as you both find the information useful I am pleased. Plus that Julie Dash film is a classic! I follow her on Facebook. This is just a reminder why we need more works that speak to us and celebrate our unique qualities.

  7. I absolutely adore my pale-skinned husband. He had no race preference for black women but was obviously open to dating them. Probably the only difference is that I do not like movies by Tyler Perry:) We are an older couple so I think a lot of what younger people care about has been long gone from our radar. We just checked each other out and found we had an amazing number of things in common and the chemistry was there in every way. We had so much in common (moral compass, faith, education levels, love of travel, raised in large cities, etc.) that it was like a miracle.

    I thought about the comment made about loving how the woman dresses for him. When my husband and I met I had not worn full make-up in over 20 years. Most of it was troubling to my skin so I gave up on it. However when we decided to marry I decided to try it again for the wedding pictures. A month before we married I decided to get a makeover using MAC cosmetics. He was at my place getting things in place for him to move in after we married. I had left the house before he arrived. When I returned his reaction told me that my days of not wearing makeup had just ended:) Seeing how he looked at me that day was worth it:)

    1. Awww Pamela that's so sweet! I left the man's comments intact but I personally cringed at the mention of Tyler Perry and that Madea mess. That's not a youth issue because Perry's demographic skews older 30+ and tends to be the church-going type. I can see there's a lot of indoctrination at play that's influencing those tastes in my opinion. It was his sentiment that I found most compelling -- not necessarily from the women he's choosing. Anyhoo, this is another piece of a puzzle for women who did not have a male role model teaching them what qualities to look for in a mate and how to be their most appealing. Thanks!

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