It’s Time To Let Go Of The Pain (Porn)

One of the great things to have occurred over the past several years is the emergence of the internet. As we know many people made blogging and creating other online forums an integral part of their lives, starting businesses and reaching out to others across the blogosphere. We’ve been able to bypass traditional media in breaking stories, have vaulted over certain gatekeepers who have a more thinly-defined idea of what is “newsworthy” and have even been dispatched to the White House because our influence and reach is unique.

We still have work to do if we are interested in getting our messages out. The presence of media companies and other interests to again segment and control who gets to speak (or write), what they say and how they say it has never stopped. You may find this out quickly when submitting to others that some material doesn’t meet their editorial guidelines or they want a different writing style and then you may see how certain blogger voices who may be deemed safer or are on some unknown approved list get the green light. It’s more of the same. Others are building infrastructures and we had better do the same before we are marginalized and phased out.

Speaking from the perspective of acknowledging the needs and desires of black women we have a few brave women who’ve stepped boldly forward to lead the way and light a beacon so that others could follow if they so desired. We had our first discussions about how black women were systematically being mistreated by other black people and in particular black males from many angles. A firestorm resulted at the mere mention of anything that would get people to react and take action.

Now that more voices have joined and experience has taught many how to deal with those who oppose messages of uplift and self-care talking about certain subjects may still be controversial, but are by no means foreign any longer. Now there’s the danger of a certain callousness setting in as women trade stories about the horrors they or other women have suffered. The shock and awe factor is dulled now that people are more aware and it seems that a few want to up the ante to keep the same level of dismay going. *There’s also the latest round of BWE message-derailers trying to infiltrate and implode the efforts from within but that’s to be expected.

I’ve noticed during this final season of Oprah for example in order for certain guests to be booked they have to give graphic details of their attacks when discussing sexual violence and abuse. So much so that I now must skip any show that remotely appears to be about any tragedy. I realize their survival is supposed to be the triumph portion of the piece but I can’t get to the victory when they’re doing the battle reenactments for entertainment purposes. I can see no therapeutic reason for complete strangers to know specific details of another person’s assault for example and I don’t want that type of horror floating around in my head either. I can only imagine that someone who’s actually experienced such violence it would be a trigger for PTSD (especially if they have not had any professional intervention and recovery) and I think it’s very callous and dangerous to indulge in these types of stories.

Like a glutton devouring ice cream or whatever substance of choice when we keep trading stories about the behavior of the Damaged Beyond Repair black male or his enablers/excusers are we informing people or indulging in pain as pornography?

We already know the actions of miscreants, sociopaths and the deranged are abnormal. We can also easily predict the things they will do. We’ve had at least four years of steady train wrecks as we’ve read about rapes, murders, serial killers who’ve finally been caught after a decade and dozens of bodies, the latest rapper/baller/criminal arrest as well as their rantings on social networking sites about how they prefer light/white skin, reference the mothers of their children as “sidekicks” or worse and some even discuss how murder would resolve their child support “problems” because they don’t want to pay for the care of the children.

So, no thanks but I don’t want to hear about any of the above. Abusers will always make excuses for their behavior if they think doing so will get them sympathy and no accountability. From my perspective black women are the last ones who should be focused on what the latest activities of the denigrators and defilers are up to except if it’s a call to action to counterbalance something and remove their corporate benefactors who are also counting on us to support their businesses. Otherwise, we’re just lazily sliding backwards into the pit with them that many of us have fought so hard to either get out of or warn others they were about to fall into.

Of course, as always the choice is yours.

I think if we’re going to continue moving forward towards a life of normal human interaction and abundance we have got to be ever diligent (even as we’re far from perfect) about guarding our hearts and minds. We need to focus on building sustainable ventures and alliances for ourselves and stop looking back at the destruction we’ve hopefully left (or are decisively preparing to leave) behind.

While I certainly want the women who read and participate in the conversations here to find it useful in their own journeys, this is not a “feel something but do nothing” forum. I’m writing experiences from my own journey and discussing strategies for moving forward. This is not a popularity contest, a knitting circle or a reaffirmation of failed ideologies.

Yet some women will still come here to try to rain on our parade and claim they’re being denied the ability to “conversate”.  No, everyone is held to the same high standards here. Contribute something useful that encourages black women to “fly” or don’t participate. It’s that simple.  It makes no logical sense to go to other people’s blogs or social networking forums when you already know you have a completely opposite viewpoint to pretend you’re having an honest discussion when your purpose is to undermine (or destroy) it with your false questions, caveats, exceptions, straw-man arguments  and qualifiers.

Running to other forums to complain about such accountability or the very mention of freedom for black women is not only juvenile but it displays an inherent contempt for those of us who are striving for others to have the highest quality lifestyles that work for them.

The thing is none of this behavior is unique and some of you need to realize just how predictable you are. Which is why once you run an online forum the patterns for engagement from various malcontents becomes all too obvious. It’s a good lesson to review to let some of you paint yourselves into corners though.  All of which only shows the world some of you are those “can’t” women who want other women to be stuck so you feel good about your life and/or your decision to settle for less.  This is par for the course for bloggers to have backbiters who are mad they couldn’t get others to agree with their dissent. As with all opposition to life-affirming choices those who spend so much time trying to tear apart these conversations NEVER OFFER ANY VIABLE ALTERNATIVES!! Not to mention those no value/DBR black males who spend hours, days and weeks cyber-stalking these conversations foaming at the mouth over the idea of black women being free and complaining about being exposed. Too bad for you but the rest of us are moving on with or without your agreement or participation!

African-American women may have the added “burden” of making themselves more appealing to a wider variety of men, particularly white males because so many have publicly posted “NO WHITE MEN ALLOWED” signs on their person, claiming to represent ALL OF US  and have continued to argue about white hegemony (i.e. focusing on white racism as if white males are the ones bashing black women, going to battle against white male hierarchy over the so-called injustices committed against black males who cannot function in today’s society as men amongst other men).

Need I remind you black males have no problem dating, shacking up with and marrying the daughters of the white males they complain about so bitterly and that out of those black males who do marry in the United States it’s a whopping 35% with the split between black women and non-black women nearly even? That’s some protest, huh? Meanwhile black women are systematically being crossed off the list for some men over a non-existent social justice fight that their male counterparts quit IN FULL when Civil Rights legislation was passed (and some before then).

Ladies, the music has long stopped and some of you are standing there without a chair or a leg to stand on.

There are two options:

a)      Complain about it and continue being thought of as recalcitrant thereby eliminating yourselves from contention for finding a companion or husband from the largest pool of available men in this country (white men).

b)      Fix it and move on!

If a white male publicly stated why he found black women unappealing, many would be livid. Oh wait, one did! John Mayer caught a case of foot in mouth affliction and deleted his Twitter account after saying something similar which I covered in my blog post: John Mayer’s A Douche Bag But You Knew That Already. Why did he publicly misbehave? He said he was a jerk and acted accordingly. Similar to how some black women insist on displaying their racist and other strange notions about the sexual prowess and penis size of white men in a misguided attempt at proving loyalty to black men – to their detriment as they come across like Alex the Bunny Boiler.

Just a note: if I was a man of any race I’d run from those types of women as well. That’s crazy with a capital K (hence my earlier Fatal Attraction reference). Anyway, I write these posts and discuss these subjects specifically just so other men know there are normal, functioning, critically thinking, quality, educated, attractive black women who are looking for a drama-free, reciprocal love match with a man of ANY RACE who understands his role as a man (without being oppressive) who wants to be a husband and father in that order (children may be optional), who protects and provides for an abundant (emotional, financial, etc) life and is willing and able to do so.

Some people (women) cannot SEE that because some have never EXPERIENCED that in their own lives. Or (m)any truly functional and satisfying romantic relationship(s).  It doesn’t mean they doesn’t exist. Just like Sarah Palin didn’t know there were two Koreas, there are some black women who didn’t know they were entitled to a great relationship if the wanted one. They also think they are permanently tied to any random black male’s deviant behavior and saving the dead black community. There’s a difference between willful ignorance, blind deference and perpetual cluelessness and I’m not sure which is worse and to what degree one becomes the other. Never questioning anything is scary but incessantly replaying the horrors of the DBRs is not going to stop them. The pain all of this brings is only circling dysfunction and it’s time to purge and move on. There’s a fine line between productive discourse (i.e. doesn’t that “poo” behavior stink?) and throwing yourself on top of someone else’s feces.

11 comments to It’s Time To Let Go Of The Pain (Porn)

  • C W

    When viewing the typical “Struggle-twenty-years-for-a-crumb” epics, I often became depressed despite a happy ending…In years past, this would perplex me as we are supposed to be overjoyed that a now gray-haired BW was FINALLY proposed to by the broke down janitor or some minute other token of recognition…Under previous indoctrination, I would have dismissed my feelings as being morbid and/or abnormal…Then the moment of truth arrived: Lack dressed up as victory is still –lack…As some have already mentioned, this goes way beyond labeling a bad guy or typical villain…I am also weary of the ‘Label Police’ who gets overly technical about victim status… (Strongly suspect this is carried out by what Khadija’s refers to as ‘bad faith dissenters’) …And it goes a little something like this: If a BW in any way claims to have been victimized, then we are automatically attempting to shift ALL blame…This is an effective ploy to prevent us from telling our story, Indeed there exists such an animal as personal responsibility, but that is not what I’m referring to at this juncture…It’s directed at those who are attempting to relay personal experience to keep others from falling into the same traps/pitfalls…Notice the ‘Label Police’ only makes an appearance when folk are on the right path and are dealing with REAL solutions…Not a bunch of philosophical mumbo-jumbo…That horse has long left the barn as well…Far too many want us to wallow in Pain Porn, just as long as no proactive measures are taken…"Here we are in almost 2011…IMHO the time has passed for negotiation and other forms of collective bargaining…Black women, realize that we are on our own in most settings…The problem is, most who are benefiting from us sticking around do not want to be on theirs…On the otherhand, we must be cognizant of which settings are 1-appropriate & 2-beneficial for us to lay our cares…As it was previously mentioned, there is no use going to a forum which clearly holds oppositional views…Why do some of us continue these behavioral patterns?…I don’t share my health problems with a drug dealer or addict…The right thing would be to seek out those who can actually be some form of help – professional or otherwise…

    What I am observing now are “Last of the Mohicans” (those of which whom are allowed) trolling the blogs with their last agonal breath…The contrarian’s only goal is to confuse an overly simplistic issue, attempting to get BW to believe/accept the same 30 year + bill of goods…Ignore the pain, instability, carnage, lack of usable fruit…Yes many will never learn and go down with the ship, but more are getting hip to the SCAM…What little time we have to act is NOW!

  • MsMellody

    Pam said….. Anyone by now should know that if you have hope you have the will to take action to make positive changes in your life. If you camp out in the pain and victim camp you will never get out. The choice is yours."

    I totally totally second this comment!!!

  • sisterlocgirl

    Hi Faith!

    You are so timely in your posts. You can't drive a car by focusing on the rear view window. You can only advnce in your travels by looking forward. Have you ever noticed how small the rear view mirrors are when compared to the windshield? It is beyond time to change the record/CD/iTune/mp3 file and play another more productive tune. Just my 2 cents. And I totally appreciate your insights and the amount of time you devote to being a voice of reason to bw who are looking for a different reality. :-)

  • @wixardofoz321

    Hearing about things like this makes me even more glad that I've expatriated because I had no idea that things are even worse now, since Black America isn't covered extensively here (and to be honest, I'm glad because the negative conversations are getting tired in my opinion). Looking in from the outside has given me more clarity about so many things and, although I won't ignore Black men when it comes to dating, I've definitely widened my dating pool to include everyone who is HEALTHY overall -- no DBRs of any hue whatsoever.

    America LOVES pain porn. While I know that life isn't roses & flowery pastures, when it comes to pain a la Oprah and etc., no one seems to want to take the pain and focus it into more constructive actions.

    Keep going against the grain Faith.

  • It is critical to discern when to discuss dreadful details, especially in the media. It is true that in the vast majority of the cases it is done purely for shock value and ratings. It is clear from the 'success' of reality shows, court shows, Maury, Jerry Springer and the news media ratings that people tend to lean negative. That is counterproductive for women that seriously want to better their lives. I quit watching any movie or mini-series that Oprah's name is on. The only ones I watched were THe Women of Brewster Place (something like that) and The Color Purple. To me pain is not entertainment. The only time I regularly watched the Lifetime channel was a few years back when they were replaying and updating episodes of Unsolved Mysteries. Same reason, too much drama and violence against women for my taste.

    How a person thinks will control how they live. Believing lies will cause a person to build their lives based on lies. That is a shaky foundation. Also living lives on possibilities is a waste of time. You are preparing for something that in most cases will never happen. For example the argument that a white man may be nice while dating or marrying but WILL use a racial slur during a fight. If you eliminate all white men because of that possibility you have short-changed yourself from a possible healthy thriving relationship with that ONE LONE SOUL. If you are good at checking a man out you will know if he is a racist beforehand and kick him to the curb. To me this is tragic.

    As stated here, anyone by now should know how DBRs act. Repeating this incessantly does nothing. The only time is if you truly know that someone you are around does not have a clue about what they are in. Narrow those people down and give them a timeframe to process and decide what they are going to do. The timeframe should not be years. In the vast majority of cases (or maybe all) if a person has not decided to make a change after a few months or maybe a year they are stalling and do not want to change for some reason. Then it is time to cut the strings and move on. Counselors know this. We should maneuver in the same fashion.

    Each woman must decide what she wants and create a plan on how to make it happen. Anyone by now should know that if you have hope you have the will to take action to make positive changes in your life. If you camp out in the pain and victim camp you will never get out. The choice is yours.

  • Wow my sister and I were JUSt talking about this. Like each topic.

    We talked about how there are some folks who just want to tear you down. We both agreed though that instead of trying to fix those DBR folks or figure out why they are that way, we should get rid of them period.

    we also discussed the notion of why many of us are fixated in the destruction we were victims of in the past. while part of the healing process is to let it out, but we shouldn't dwell to long on that. and yes, i agree, none of us need to do it in graphic detail (ask any veteran of any war, 9 out of 10 times, they are NOT going to tell you exactly what happened, just the data). and you are so right, its not healthy for other folks to hear all of that. '