If You Really Want To Get Married…

First, if you are a hetero woman you automatically have the right to marry that many others do not! Be grateful for that.

You have to date marriage-minded men who share similar values. You may have to purge all that you know and recognize how other people with less noble agendas are trying to get you to settle. You may need to shut off the teevee and internet if it wields too much of an influence, though noting obvious patterns of a particular meme can certainly help.


No your LOVE will not save them!


to honor you

appreciate you

respect you

love you

do right by you

come home to you


You know there are those loyal-to-the-end (their end) black women who sing that Disney song “Some Day My Prince Will Come”. In the movies the prince is an integral part of the storyline and does come to whisk the erstwhile heroine away. After all faerie tales are larger than life.

In real life we make choices that have far reaching consequences. For those women who list race as the paramount choice if you’re not being asked out by those men you’ve put on a pedestal regularly then you are putting a new spin on waiting. In fact, any woman who seeks marriage should be actively dating, have a Saturday night date and eventually be in an exclusive relationship. No man-sharing, no chasing after men who won’t commit, no chasing after men period.

Even if you say you don’t need marriage you might change your mind at a time when you’ve allowed opportunities to pass you by. Yes there are exceptions..but this is about the collective at large. This is about addressing the huge deficit balance black women are running up. It’s about indoctrination and making sound decisions. It’s about progress not perfection. This is about expanding not diminishing.


when it’s not a black woman

who cares – especially if he wasn’t your man anyway!

HE PROBABLY DID YOU A HUGE FAVOR (yeah I’m thinking of the guy that left his pregnant Asian wife for a young white woman – but there are numerous examples)


Get off the computer (except for online dating and scheduling activities, lol), get off the couch, get out of your neighborhood and out of your comfort zone. Join organizations like Allliance Francaise. Sign up for Speed Dating. Learn a new hobby. If you have to brush up on etiquette, meet with a stylist, use a matchmaking service DO IT!

No man wants a woman who is so easily had. Nor one who makes public declarations of undying loyalty for men who won’t give them the time of day. It’s whiny and desperate and looks bad. People ignore those who beg for loose change on the streets and men likewise ignore women who do the same – or at least they don’t stick around for very long.

Go buy a copy of The Rules, make a reasonable list of qualities, stop listening to people who don’t know what they’re talking about and create a plan.

Just breathe and go about living your life! Simply do so with a sense of purpose.

12 Replies to “If You Really Want To Get Married…”

  1. I agree that if a woman wants to get married and is looking for a future husband, she needs to meet men who are looking for the same thing. The problem here is that many men say they want marriage but do they say it because that's what they really want or because they want something from the women? This is where a woman needs to be wise enough to know how to separate the honest ones from the players.

  2. Faith, you are sooo right on. I'm at the point, where I don't even trip when I see a black man with a non black woman. In fact it just reminds me of the fact that they are going to continue to make sure that their needs are met. That's their right; and it's mine too.

    1. Miss V: Thank you. We should not even bat an eyelash or hold expectations for some random black male regarding who he's with. Neither should they for us. We have to make solid choices about who we choose to be with based on how they benefit us and us them. Far too many black women have limited themselves to their detriment.

  3. Faith,

    Great job! I co-sign what Karen R. said—it's way past time for AA women to drop all people, places, and things that don't provide a return on their investment of time and energy.

    [**My computer's problem with reading your site that I mentioned a while back has finally resolved itself. *smile*]

    Peace, blessings and solidarity.

  4. I'd add: Go to your 10th (or 15th or 20th or 25th…) high school/college reunion. That guy you wouldn't have thought twice about back in the day might be worth a look now… Something similar worked out for me, and we've been married now for more than 15 years. 🙂

  5. Hi Love your post. Just finished training with the authors of THE RULES to be a certified dating coach. Your advice is spot-on!!!

    I would add that a woman let go of the fantasy relationship that she has invested in but has gotten no rate of return. I am talking about the man that you allow to take up a lot of your time, emotional energy, etc. The man that others at church, work, whatever assume you are dating but never "gets around to" taking the relationship to the next level. If he is not asking you out for Saturday night…he's just not that into you. Vet, vet, vet him and remember, you are the prize!!!

    1. Hey Karen: Glad to hear you're getting training to be a dating coach. You will be a vital resource for other women across the board but especially for those black women still working through their indoctrination. I have to thank CW for offering her dating seminar last summer that featured The Rules. I don't think I would've ever reconsidered reading it. What a difference a change in perspective makes!!

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