“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20
Have certain passages of religious texts
just irked the heck out of confused you? According to the Bible Jesus made amazing wine, fed thousands with mere pieces of food, water surfed at leisure, gave life to dead things and promised us peace amongst many incredible acts. This matter of faith, being as small as a spec of lint is something to behold.
Yes, there’s an amazing story behind the circumstances of my arrival into this world. My maternal grandmother wanted to give praise to God for delivering me safely, as it was a touch and go birth.
Growing up, I came to fight the gag reflex upon hearing this story repeated, because no one (not even my parents) treasured this story of Grandma Sarah’s absolute faith that her first-born’s first-born was meant to be here.
Then there’s that George Michael song.
Having a ‘religious’ oriented name comes with its own set of costs and benefits, based on other people’s perceptions. In many ways, I have often felt my name was mocking me to have an understanding of “God’ that’s been ever-elusive and always out of reach. There’s a difference between religiosity and spiritual practice.
I observed all the ways personal prosperity played hide-and-seek or never showed up despite fervent prayers and strict church attendance. This applies to myself, immediate family and the world at large. This is where personal decisions that undermine progress might be ignored, blaming external circumstances can become commonplace or anger sets in.
This is also where a reliance on material goods, career, income or over-working may take center stage. Bragging can’t really heal feelings of inadequacy. Doubt eats away at you. People have been sent to prison for stealing or altercations that maimed or killed others based on greed.
I continue to seek a deeper understanding of who I am: as a woman, as a Gen-Xer, as an African-American, as a person of certain values, a particular class, First-born birth order, artsy-bent, philosophical, outspoken, coffee-drinking, travel-lover and a recovering ‘fixer’ who keeps being reminded to let go.
Trust and Faith often seem like the twin signs of abject life failure or repeated stumbling cycles. Yet, there’s tremendous value in living up to a powerful name. I want to manifest God’s abundance. I want to accept prosperity. It’s necessary for true spiritual (and life) growth. Not depending on situations requires reliance on belief in a benevolent Higher Power that guides and protects us. That we get to work with, apply and watch unfold!
And yet….when you’re making changes after deciding to adopt higher conscious-thinking (embracing femininity, leaving Blackistan, letting go) feeling assured in that freedom may sometimes hold a question mark. We have to visualize great things and know they (or something better) will be done.
If we keep going back to the old ways, how can we expect anything to be different? How content are you? Or are you a worry-addict? If you lost everything tomorrow how would you react? Do you believe suffering is divine? Do you confuse gratitude with settling for less? Are you enjoying heaven right now or waiting? Do you believe in goodness or have a boulder dragging along beside you? How do you move forward when you know you don’t believe? Where do you find misplaced/directed hope?