Further Conversation For Those Women Seeking Marriage Who Put Race Above Common Sense

One of the more interesting aspects of being a prolific writer is in saving drafts of future blog posts for later use. Timing is everything. We must revisit breaking down certain thought patterns and mentalities because they are so prevalent in the minds of a large number of African-American women. Truth be told this isn’t strictly about race but about male worship. They have twisted themselves to adapt the warped thinking of Damaged Beyond Repair black males.

The first indication of the warped thinking is to presume discussing inappropriate behavior equals bashing someone. If we were to discuss what white people have done to harm blacks most would see the distinction that we’re talking about.

Black women  continue to be emotionally tethered to these males as a group, not selecting specific individuals for the value they bring bring. By choice. They talk about what any random black male in the public eye is doing. They support their projects. They may lament the most heinous examples of foul behavior exhibited towards black women – but dismiss it as something that happens to other women. They are certain they’d be the exception of course.

They often don’t think to ask if these random males have done anything to elevate the status of black women – specifically the ones who are not racially ambiguous/exotic/light-skinned.  You know the majority of regular black women. They assume historical wrongs committed by outsiders trumps the daily assaults by the ones they’ve pegged as being their automatic mates whom they consider “family”.

Deep down many of them know they’re in the Twilight Zone but the way out seems so difficult they won’t even try. They already know even if every available male was available to them there still wouldn’t be enough to go around. At least not for a monogamous relationship. That’s why you see a number of black women fighting so hard against the messaging of the BWE bloggers getting out. There’s been a slow but steady murmur which has become a steady drum-beat now. Expect bystanders to begin siphoning the work and calling it their own.

Seeing how people who share values flock together some blacks have a vested interest in preventing like-minded groups of women from merging. All skin folk ain’t kinfolk. Indeed.  So we will continue the discussion of why black women should wake up, smell the coffee and liberate themselves. Getting away from the dysfunctional thinking and physical proximity to those who want to entrap you will be the difference between life and death for many black women.

In my earlier post If You Really Want To Get Married (and let’s face it many BW do BUT they’ve subjugated their natural instincts to settle for less) I point out that you must only date marriage-minded men to begin with. If you didn’t grow up in an environment where marriage is valued you must separate yourself.

There are black males who just don’t want to admit the special kick they get from dating or marrying non-black women. It elevates their self-esteem. Of all things for BM to discuss they certainly have a vested interest in having conversations about us…but not with us. They offer opinions sans accountability for the behavior of other BM. They want to tell us what we should or should not be concerned about. They want to “teach” us how to further denigrate ourselves when they’re not telling the world why we’re otherwise undesirable – which is the reason they give for choosing a non-black women (or as an excuse for mistreatment) to begin with.

That’s pretty twisted.

Are there exceptions? Of course!

Now let’s be clear this is NOT a conversation for the still-indoctrinated black woman to focus on what black males are doing and who they’re with. This is about the cold, hard slap of reality that some of you need to bring the truth into focus. For as surely as we are women in a male dominated world, we are also non-whites living in a white-dominated society. We are black women who have specific needs within the frame of feminism and womanism.

If anyone has the access to make a new world where black people own and operate the infrastructure or have something in equal value they can share some of these resources then let me know.

After the take-over by whites in establishing the United States (and other nations), it has been a fight for inclusion for all that have come here thereafter. Some groups of people who had white(ish) skin weren’t classified as “white” immediately. Political power comes from the concentrated efforts of one’s group. Since race  is a social construct this has always been a tool of privilege withheld or granted by whomever was dominating. It’s also why even amongst nations where people are categorized with the same race there will be further hierarchies in place with ethnic and religious distinctions.

While there have been numerous battles fought and won for basic rights and dignities, this is simply par for the course for humanity. When Britain was solidifying its dominance they’ve historically warred amongst families jockeying for power within their ancestral heritage and as a nation against the Catholic Church and against the nations Spain & France as well as  their neighbors Ireland, Wales & Scotland. When people emigrated to the US, the ones who came here by choice had to go through their “hazing” period to be accepted into the fold.

Many of us are descendants of those who survived forced service in building this country. If anything we as women should be thinking about the sacrifices our ancestors made with the expectation we would have more. Those who self-limit by choosing mates who are unable or unwilling to vastly improve our status need to be dropped with a quickness. Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest is not to be ignored. Since the largest group of viable males are not black then black women need to do as black males do and consider ALL males as potential mates. I could go so far as to say many more (hetero) black women need to specifically CHOOSE non-black males (as appropriate) but that’s far too obvious for the non-indoctrinated.

Dorothy Height was laid to rest the week I wrote this draft. I’ve been thinking a lot about how much she sacrificed for ALL women. I’m especially struck by how she never married or had children. Some may argue that was her choice but I cannot help but wonder whether it was self-sacrificing to her detriment. She gave her all to a “movement”. Now a few may mutter some words of praise that may have varying degrees of sincerity but wasn’t the purpose of fighting these battles to improve the quality of life for us? To increase our opportunities? Yet, the collective has since failed to take any steps forward.

Since those of us who are facing reality know the black community as we once knew it is dead. One of the reasons why so many black males jumped ship post Civil Rights is they knew the jig was up. They didn’t want to continue building the community as a collective. Waving the white flag of surrender was easier than continuing to wage a self-esteem and self-respect battle long lost. It’s something many black women need to realize as well. If the men have voluntarily allowed themselves to be captured in the hopes of being taken into the fold (of the alleged enemy), any women still fighting will be doing so on their own.

Who owns the food manufacturing, airlines, media conglomerates? Who’s running the government? How effective are the “Rights” organizations at improving the lives of black women? Who’s actually focusing on improving the lives of black women for that matter?

Isn’t it funny how there’s NO discussion of black male accountability? It’s almost always white male racism or lack of jobs or the woman doesn’t let him be a man or any other reason other than they’ve dropped the ball. In the case of those considered more successful they consider it their right to have access to the same women that other men do.

When a few black males (like Cosby or the President) have publicly discussed the touchy subject of child abandonment it has been met with protests and accusations of “showing out” to whites. As if no one else has taken notice of the trends all on their own. According to the 2000 Census 35% of black males selected the married category. That’s means 65% are NOT. Out of that figure, 14% are in interracial marriages. So let’s add that up: 79% of black males are not married to black women.

Instead of having a conversation about black women and their lack of _______ let’s shift to the pathologies and emotional bankruptcy of this generation of black males as a collective. By shifting focus I mean take note of all the above and RUN. Far far away. Any healing that needs to be done must be conducted by these individuals on their own. That’s not the job of the black woman.

Women should be free from external burdens of carrying others who are consistently downtrodden and demanding to be rescued. Women should be focusing on their ambitions without seeking permission.

Focusing on these inadequate males and self-limiting for viable partnerships is why there’s a relationship “crisis” for many of us to begin with. The indoctrination that reinforces the blinders to lead the horse forward needs to be yanked off pronto! If, after doing the necessary work some of these males want to present themselves as potential mates only then should they be considered. After all we are expected to work on our “attitudes” and appearance, to “bring something” to the table and other intangibles that keep the bar adjusting. I don’t know about you but I will not be jumping through any hoops for any man beyond what he’s willing to do for me!!

At the end of the day it is our shared values that will draw us to a compatible mate and lay the foundation for a viable relationship. The last thing we should be focusing on is skin color or previous ancestral histories of oppression as a determining factor.

The loud voices from those few black women trying to shout down the message of the BWE bloggers and the NWNW initiative are only spreading it further with each misapplied stat, with each complaint about the organizer’s interracial marriage (because their racism is showing big time) and by aligning with misogynistic black males to attack other black women. It’s slightly messy for certain but it’s real.

http://dateawhiteguy.blogspot.com/2010/05/6-ways-bwe-differ-from-other-black.html

21 comments to Further Conversation For Those Black Women Who Put Race Above Common Sense

  • stella

    Thanks for allowing his post to go through, It made me laugh.

    I especially had to laugh at his "Child Please" comment.

  • Faith

    Again, I've allowed the comment from this black woman hater through so the readers can see the unvarnished truth about the contempt many of these weak, conquered creatures hold for black women.

    1. Everything you do is your fault according to them

    2. They are extremely jealous of and in competition with white males (not a surprise considering they dominate everything and black males are pissed about it)

    3. According to him black males evolve

    So I have a few questions:

    1. What infrastructure have black males established? Where are the supermarkets, banks, entact families, etc that would allow for black people to separate themselves TODAY and be fully functioning and completely self-sufficient?

    2. What have they done that has elevated the black collective?

    3. Why are there so many abandoned & mistreated black children?

    4. Why does this fool think I or any black woman seeking to elevate her standing in the world cares what he thinks?

    If black women are MUD according to this cretin why is he here AT THIS BLOG instead of living his fabulous life? Why does he care what these "nothing" black women are doing?

    Of course he cares, his gravy train is coming to an end and since only punks whine & complain about what women do we can surmise he has no other resources to mooch from -- unless he can convince a non-black woman to take pity on him being so "oppressed".

    PATHETIC!

  • Instead of having a conversation about black women and their lack of _______ let’s shift to the pathologies and emotional bankruptcy of this generation of black males as a collective.

    And faith, this is exactly how white femininist approached their fight and their struggle at least in the begiining when they were formulating their plans. They gave free reign to the discussion about how men were doing what they were doing to cause them harm and grief. this is why i say bw are being disallowed that necessary 'social space' to fully identify and pin down all the factors and actors in their situation.

    These days you find even white feminists jumping in to supress that necessary excercise of identifying men (black men in this case), as the root cause of so much of bw issues.

    what they are doing essentially is ensuring that we do not have a full diagnosis for our situation therefore any strategy is inadequate and continues to fall short as is clear from looking around.

    I also want to add that often times bw are to be found running off happily bearing aloft what they deem the 'spoils of feminism' ie a freedon to be and do, but when you really look at what they have it is but a counterfeit reward for sure (for example being handed the sole burden for raising children).

  • Faith,

    This was an excellent post (as usual)! Thanks for all the good work you've been doing.

  • monique

    thanks for your kind words of comfort. you are right…it does get better with time and I'm still working through the anger and disappointment…but trust me I'm done. I'm focused on living well and surrounding myself with like-minded people. But I agree that we need to work on and with younger BW because this "love BM no matter what" mess starts young.

    I'm a big Matix fan too, love. that. movie.

  • Yes, yes, and yes! Thank you for breaking down the figures from the Census-I never stopped to do the math, but just glancing at the figures told me enough.

    NWNW brought the dross to the surface-lots of garbage thinking that came out for the sake of argument. I'm glad it exposed all of the damaged thinking among BW and BM. I read many of the opposing essays-not one of them had a solid plan of action that could be successfully implemented within the BC. NOT ONE. They failed at creating workable plans because they insist on including an uncooperative body (BM) in their plans. BM aren't marrying BW in droves-per your figures, only 21% of marriages are BM/BW. So, clearly, an overwhelming majority of BM have no interest in marrying BW, yet there is a OOW birth rate of over 70%. The message is clear: to many BM, we're good enough to screw, but not to wed.

    It still amazes me that so many of the critics would be so opposed to a movement focusing on creating stable home environments (with married, committed parents) for children. There was one particularly airheaded blogger who stated that NWNW reminded her of the anthem of 2009 (sung by Beyonce, a married woman.) I'm still not seeing the direct connection: saying, 'if you wanna keep me, you gotta wife me' is not the same as saying, 'I want to raise my children with a committed spouse.' It was clear to me that this silly blogger missed the forest for the trees.

  • Zipporah

    It's sad: I could believe that black women are worshiping black men today, because WOMEN AND GIRLS are worshiping guys today, to have one. Guys aren't asking girls out anymore in H.S. because they're 'hooking up' and the girls LET THEM (some liberation)or the guys are very immature and dorky, instead of being taught how to ask a girl out. Black people are just the loudest with the dysfunction. Also, most white men don't choose black women who look like they could be their cousin;(Like Halle) most B/W W/M couples are with medium brown or DARK WOMEN

  • sisterlocgirl

    Hi Ladies!

    Faith, as usual you have created a very well crafted, honest post. I have to commend all the BWE bloggers because I do believe that these blogs are presenting a way out of the madness for young black women.

  • Faith, so many people have forgotten that rights mean nothing without ownership. It is one thing to fight for rights, but we must move on to ownership. We have to start with owning ourselves, and then with owning and possessing things that are foundational, expandable and enduring. The right to march, to defend one's self and and to own property is not truly realized until we own something to march on and to fight for. We must start owning our selves or we will not own our futures.

  • Viv

    "All skin folk ain’t kinfolk"

    I admit never hearing this phrase before, and I have to tell you I am so tempted to shout it from my brownstone rooftop right now, it's not even funny. It's obvious that a "Black community" simply doesn't exist anymore. Why, then, should we Black women remain so consumed with trying to keep it intact, often to our detriment?

  • Monique

    This is an excellent post. Thank you for writing it.

    I often times get angry when I think about the amount of time I wasted on BM. It took me long time to release that anger. I had pie in the sky dreams of finding Black love with a BM and having beautiful black babies who would be the continuation of our African heritage. Oh, I drank the cool-aid, I vlunteered in all black clubs in college and law school and wondered why all the "brothas" were with light-skinned, half-white, racially ambiguous women, when me and so many "regular" BW were right there, wanting them. I made excuse after excuse for why I could never be with a non-black man let alone a White man, why he raped my female ancestors.

    And after years of trying to connect with BM and being rejected by BM b/c I was too dark or not dark enough, to tall or not tall enough, too smart, too opinionated, too "thick" or not "thick" enough, too demanding, hair too "nappy" or too "relaxed", after being accused for the 100th time of wanting the BM to be like WM, of not knowing "my place" of not "allowing" BM to be men, of watching BM fall all over themselves to be with WW and every other race of women except BW, I woke the hell up and realized that what I was doing was feeding into to BM patriarchy. That BM did whatever they wanted to do with no remorse and absolutely no regret. That the BM collective in the last 35-40 years have used, abused, demonized, vilified, denegrated and insulted BW and our image consistently…so that they could ingratiate themselves to the white power structure and they left BW holding the bag to "build community" and dream about "black love."

    I no longer worship BM… I know longer look at them as the only viable option for a partner or husband. They are measured by the same yardstick I measure any man who I am interested in: will you treat me with mutual love, care,respect, and concren? Wil you reciprocate ny care and feelings for you? Can you back thatn up with real action and deeds? Can you provide and protect me and any potential offspring we may have? If he can'r do these things, then I don't date him. I know "good" BM, I can count them on my hands. But the BM collective, however, is rotten to the core with very little self-reflection or critique. With no discussion of responsibility or accountablity to themselves, BW or Black children. That is the sad reality.

    The majority of BW will not admit this, I guess it's too painful to them or they are too emotinally invested in this 'gotta love the brothas" mess; that is their choice, but I will be damned if I allow these male-identified BW to continue to dictate and indoctrinate the masses of younger BW with this garbage.

    The message of NWNW and the vitriolic condemnation of it by such a large percentage of BW is just amazing. Fine you may not agree with the word "wedding" but damn, really?… you cannot possibly disagree with the message. And then the constant reference to its creator and supporters as BW who "fetishizes" WM and demonizes BM is just unbeleivable to me. telling BW to wake up and realize that if you want to be married and you may very well have to date non-black men is "fetishizing" WM. As if these BM-identified BW do not worship and "fetishize" the all-wonderful, all powerful, can-never-do-anything-wrong, above critique BM all the live long day?

    Crazy…really crazy.

    Sorry

  • […] One of the more interesting aspects of being a prolific writer is in saving drafts of future blog posts for later use. Timing is everything. We must revisit breaking down certain thought patterns and mentalities because they are so prevalent in the minds of a large number of African-American women. (Read more …) […]