Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #7: Before They Are “Men” – Advice About Teens & College-Age Males

Audience Note:  I’ve changed the name of the series after realizing I’d inadvertently used the same title first employed by another BWE blogger. Since this originally expanded from analyzing why some women were misunderstanding and misusing terms and strategies for dating alpha males it’s important to me to make that distinction. My bad! I don’t think anyone has noticed, but we do put so much thought into our conversations (and may share some of the same readers) I want to respect the work that goes into it. To meet the needs of ALL women I want us to continue exploring the ways we seek and build relationships with men socially and professionally as well as romantically

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First of all, it would be better for you as a young girl and woman developing mentally, physically and emotionally to HOLD OFF on any sexual activity…but I realize that may be too late for many of you. Nor is that a  necessarily popular stance to propose because we’re all so modern, advanced and “free”. Freedom costs…a lot by the way.

This is not about judgment or restricting a girl’s right to exploration, but an analysis of benefits/disadvantages that every young woman ought to consider should things not go the way she hopes.  Or before she’s had to chance to figure out what she really wants. Of course it’s best if no one knows your level of “experience” regardless — not even your girlfriends because people are not always discreet. The series also tends to focus more on your “average” girl or guy from Western society with added emphasis in how black girls/women can utilize situations to their advantage.

So far, my Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series has been about grown folks over the age of say 21 who may have already had certain experiences. This is about checking yourself while on the path to love (not to get derailed into baby momma-ville and settling for moldy crumbs), normal human bonding and a course redirection/correction  when necessary. It is to help you refine or reclaim goals. It’s never too late to make positive changes in your life.

What about those younger girls who haven’t even been kissed yet? Who’ve been told it’s normal to offer oral sex to a boy  they like? Who are having pictures taken and passed around without their knowledge or consent that may be embarrassing or compromising? I know I have some young readers (or those who are in support of them) so I want to address you and your needs specifically.

First of all, I’d say go read the entire content from the blogs What Women Never Hear and The Art of Being Feminine for the older girls. The series on Dating, Bootcamp For Girls, Gender Differences Revisited as well as Keepers For Keepers, Caught In A Trap Of Her Making, Spilling the Beans and Men Follow The Female Lead are useful because the blog host has Mr. Guy covered ALL of the basics and them some.  Everything has to be taken with a grain of salt — but it’s just terrible to find out later on that you’ve been hoodwinked by “modern” society. Sometimes things will not click –until much later. He still writes from a perspective of functionality in the home that many girls do not have, however. There are also external influencers and let’s face it outright saboteurs who want to make sure some girls are ensnared in misery before their lives have even begun.

If you’re a young black girl who has been bombarded with negative images or told you’re a “problem” in some way, your self-esteem has already taken a huge hit and will impair your judgment. Which was the point of those that inflicted the damage to begin with. The imbalance has tipped so far in favor of the black male we see the destruction of the family, the splintered (never well-formed actually) relationships, the masses of cast-off children, the spread of HIV and a host of other societal ills that lay an impossible burden onto black girls and women. It is only by our sheer strength we haven’t dropped dead yet – but that’s coming.

I want this post in the hands of every girl over the age of ten. That may seem young, but trust me she’s being exposed to unhealthy circumstances already and diseased thinking. Anything to inoculate her is better than nothing. Please take heart and know that you are loved and adored. As Lauryn Hill said: “don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem”. You may just have to keep your head down until you can get to safer ground. That’s okay. You can still store bits of knowledge here and there to see later. Your survival may be the most important thing you have to focus on right now.

Study outside of school to increase your knowledge of the world. Study other black women who’ve been successful in business and personal relationships. Ignore whatever current “star” is being heavily promoted as that person is most likely engaged in some nonsense. Tune out most All of what you hear on urban radio. The internet is your friend. Learn HTML and CSS. Read travel blogs – especially ones featuring black women living abroad. I have some resources listed on my Blog Roll page. Apply for as many scholarships as you can. You may get accepted into a great boarding school and you can get out of your residential cesspool even sooner! Learn self-defense techniques. Keep most of this to yourself so others don’t sabotage you. Realize it is not normal to have a bay in high school…or middle school.

Don’t let that guy “holla” at you, but keep it moving –  literally to put as much physical distance between the two of you as possible. If you own any of the latest “urban” gear or sneakers, get rid of them — trade them in if you can. Well..maybe keep something for exercise. NO multi-colored hair. Neat hairstyles. Study how other groups of “rich kids” dress when they’re out with their parents and have to be on their A game. Notice how they blend in. That’s what you want to do. If you have to wear a particular set of clothes in your neighborhood to not stand out for being different do so — but bring the other pieces with you. I guess you can think of it as a “work” uniform or role-playing for survival until you’ve moved on to a better phase in life.

Listen to the lyrics of a classic  ~ The Best Is Yet To Come as performed by Frank Sinatra. Talk about a seduction!

Sex is NOT bad.

Sex is good. Very good in fact. God made it pleasurable (under particular circumstances) so that we’d do it..often. It isn’t only about procreation. It’s just meant to occur in ways that benefit us with certain people.

We need to let go of the puritanical, maniacal way we couch sex in secret and make it dirty so that we have trained young girls to understand its value, their worth and how to not stifle natural instincts that can be channeled effectively in laying down your Charm Offensive.

In other words, it’s okay to like a boy, the feelings you may experience are normal and you should have the only say in the who, how and when. A boy must prove his devotion to you first. That won’t happen in 5 minutes, one hour, three days or even two weeks. Know that boys are pretty much ALL hormones and take anything they say to you with a heavy dose of skepticism.

Let him show you he likes you by dropping subtle clues about things you enjoy. You won’t have to tell a boy/young man specifics, just give a hint and let him work at figuring it out. You can then let him know if he was correct or not. Don’t let him initiate any physical contact beyond a quick peck on the cheek and maybe graduating to hand-holding.

If something happens or has already happened and you end up pregnant, know that your life is not over. Just don’t get pregnant again for a very long time. It will make your journey a little more challenging but certainly not impossible.

If you’ve been “messed” with go to therapy (and you may need to try several therapists for one that fits)  as soon as possible. Know whatever happened and however it occurred it is NOT your fault! You do not need to feel ashamed. It was wrong what happened to you. That goes for physical violence (hitting, slapping, name-calling). You’ll need the analysis to compare and contrast how you think about men to make wise choices and how to set boundaries.

If you’ve run away or are in foster care, try to find someone you can talk to even if you have to call a hotline. Somebody will listen. I know the idea of numbing the pain is a powerful one (via sex, drugs, stealing, whatever) but please do not give up hope that you can be happy. You weren’t dealt a fair hand in life that’s for sure! This is why it’s so important for a young woman to choose wisely any male she allows into her heart..and bed. I have to blunt here. The joys may be untold but so are the potential consequences.

A Few Precautions:

  • Don’t go over to some guy’s crib for a “smoke”.
  • Hanging out is not a date.
  • Don’t drink or perhaps even eat anything that you haven’t seen prepared and kept your eyes on the entire time.
  • Don’t get into cars with people you don’t know.
  • Don’t rely on your “girl” to have your back if she’s trying to hook up with a guy.
  • Don’t spend ALL of your time studying books. You also need to study people. How they behave. How they interact with each other. What makes people tick.
  • You need to know who you are as well. Separate from any external labels, family expectations or who you thought you were. It’s so much more difficult to find a proper mate when you’re clueless about yourself.

By The Time You Get To College — (why yes I have great expectations for all of you)

  • If you’re being claimed as a dependent make sure you have copies of ALL the paperwork lest something wind up “lost” or not filed on time and your scholarships or standing is jeopardized. (remember I talked about people intentionally sabotaging you)
  • Avoid the girls that drink to the point they pass out.
  • Use ALL of your school’s resources: gym, medical, career help, study abroad programs. ALL of it.
  • Join clubs you might not have gravitated towards to find out who else is participating.
  • Befriend a “geek” .
  • You can get your B.A., M.D., J.D. or M.B.A. and still pursue your MRS. – just play your cards right
  • Need I also mention DO NOT limit yourself by race and ethnicity

In fact, this is prime time for you to be meeting boys-to-men before they’re snagged by the more clever girls!

Don’t chase after a man..any man. Ever. He’ll never fully appreciate you.

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I hope you enjoyed this chapter in the Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series. Have you read Volumes 1-6?

Vol. One

Vol. Two

Vol. Three

Vol. Four

Vol. Five

Vol. Six

30 Replies to “Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #7: Before They Are “Men” – Advice About Teens & College-Age Males”

  1. Wonderful. Especially loved the lists. I also thought about how girls are taught that sex is something we give up, rather than enjoy. That's something i'd like to tell young girls is untrue. Like you say, sex is good, but young girls should understand the intimacy of it and for that reason see it as a precious act.

    1. MsAfropolitan: Welcome and thanks for your feedback. I've been perusing your archives and have enjoyed the read as well.

  2. Great post.

    Another tip: the library is not just for studying. Many libraries offer free or low cost computer and foreign language classes, and cultural events.

    Also checkout the arts and events calendar in your local paper, especially the ones that cater to your particular county. You can often find free or cheap cultural events, i.e. plays, book readings/signings, even the symphony. Many of the low/no cost events take place in the early afternoon on weekends, so if there's no one to go with you you may be able to go yourself. (Assuming you are old enough and can get to and from safely!)

  3. (last comment) The sex ed program at my junior high school actually taught that women have a stronger sex drive than men, but that as young ladies we were generally more sophisticated and multi-faceted in our expression…so, boys had no excuse for doggish behavior… because if you, as a woman, could exercise self-control, there was absolutely NO EXCUSE for boys, sexual aggression (not mere interest) was a manifestation of a character flaw and any boy who showed it was to be avoided. It was an interesting concept that I think has shaped me to this day.

  4. (I say "seduce" because, as much culturally-approved effort as the boy may spend on getting a girl to have sex, there is not a corresponding effort in learning what pleases the female mind and body, which in turn means makes for awkward, unfulfilling, possibly even painful encounters, which I think I can say is generally not what a girl is expecting from the experience…it's like a trick bag….and in the long run makes for pretty angry women)

  5. My brother's friend is not black..what I hate to see happen is a lot of teenage black boys who buy into the "ABC" (to borrow the phrase from another BWE blogger) idea of it not being cool (or something) to get to know one particular girl, find out her likes and dislikes…it is cooler to work on "swag," and prove one's manhood (as a penis king) by seducing as many girls as possible.

  6. (comment now spread out over six) As an example, my brother, who is a senior in high school, has a best friend who is a junior. His friend's girlfriend is a sophomore. At least a couple of times a week, my brother's friend gets up in the morning, cooks breakfast, and takes it over to his girlfriend's house so they can eat breakfast together before school (they all live in the same neighborhood). Since they are all involved in different extracurricular activities with different start and end times, he feels that it is a way for them to get to spend quality time together (yes, as a JUNIOR in high school, he understands the concept of quality time! His parents taught him well!!)

    1. Well…that's wonderful! A wonderful example of an ideal. We can certainly use this type of behavior to contrast the less than savory actions of others. This still doesn't negate why women need to set the tone and pace of their interactions and not solely rely on the "good deeds" of any male with no expectations and boundaries.

  7. I would like to re-emphasize to teenage girls (especially if they don't see it in their immediate environment) that there are teenage boys who look forward to having a family of their own one day and have a healthy respect for women; as has been mentioned, these tend to be the boys who are raised in strong two-parent families, some men want to argue about unicorns but the numbers don't lie…le sigh…

    1. Since you're new to this forum, I'll let you know the core audience I'm addressing are black women and we face particular circumstances UNIQUE to our communities. One of which is a majority out of wedlock birth rate. The goal of these conversations is to steer them towards commitment-focused/marriage-minded/devoted males. I am writing about collectives, NOT individuals so the extra emphasis on "but…but…but" is NOT necessary either. If a young man has been raised in an environment where marriage is MODELED and considered the IDEAL it will be in the back of his mind as the inevitable outcome. If not…he isn't likely to because he'll be surrounded by others who consider these things not necessary. Also, I wouldn't automatically steer young girls to invest their hearts and bodies into a physical experience with someone still maturing regardless. Let's stay on focus. If you have something of value to CONTRIBUTE to the topic of this conversation then do so. I'm not going to spend time debating the core message with you.

  8. Teenage boys fall in love, can be and are hurt in those early relationships… boys and girls are both learning at that stage…I think what I don't like about that statement is that it kind of says to a teenage girl, "your peers are the enemy." while I don't think that is exactly the case… I daresay in some instances it gives the "older guy" more appeal, even though I think they are much more frequently, the enemy.

    1. You're also reading into things. Being aware of people's potential behavior is WISE. I'm going to write a post on how those women who view other women as competition or want them to have LESS may directly SABOTAGE their opportunities. You're not required to agree. This is an exchange of information as applicable for those younger women and girls who need to be aware of this to protect themselves.

  9. (comment spread out over three) I will definitely be sharing this article. The only thing I would like to flesh out more is the statement that "boys are all hormones" that girls hear -- I definitely heard it when I was a teenager. This is true, but by the same token, girls are all hormones at that age too…I don't think it quite clarifies the kind of relationship a teenage girl should have with her male peers…as a girl who hung out with guys mostly as a teenager -- not sure how that happened, but it did, in both high school (I went to a boarding school) and when I went to college too -- I didn't get the doggish, mindless sexual aggression that that statement connotes about teenage boys. I saw their other side too, and I think teenage girls need to see that also to develop healthy relationships over the long term. (Of course, this is me assuming that they understand when it is appropriate to exercise caution.)

    1. BritannyanJ: Welcome and thanks for the extended feedback. When I'm discussing boys and hormones -- much like men and hormones, I haven't discounted the female sex drive or curiosity. What I'm saying is women must always remember THEY are ultimately in control and not to let males DOMINATE them. Women (young girls on up) MUST not grade on a curve, must use common sense, must WAIT for the male to PROVE his worthiness and not just GIVE herself away at the the slightest sign of attention or even a SPOKEN pledge. Males will say and do things they ASSUME will get them the quickest results with those women who listen to them and believe them. They have to EARN a woman. WOMEN ARE THE PRIZE. I hope that clarifies things for you.

  10. I already gave this to my cousins, 15 and 17. Perfect age and also thank you for the information that they may not l ikely get. BW MUST PLACE THIER NEEDS FIRST AND FOREMOST. Thank you again.
    Timely information.

    1. You're welcome Sheila. I hope they find it useful and do some research and soul-searching to help guide their path in life.

    1. No problem!! I'm still digging your blog very much and am glad younger women have answered the call and will hopefully avoid most if not all of the traps that would block them living well.

    1. Haha. I somehow suspect you (and GoddessM) are a little bit wiser than your average peers.

      1. Thanks! I haven't gotten any dates so far. 🙁 Although some guys from all parts of the spectrum (black, white, young, old) have told me they love my hair (big afro). These guys are either passer-by professors, the tatooed-pierced type, artsy guys, or the nerdy ones.

        I'm hoping to meet even more of the nerdy and artsy students when I really get into my Architecture major and Physics minor this year! 😉

        1. Don't let the grass grow beneath your feet! Even a coffee can count as a date. You're just spending time getting to know someone. That guy may not be a match but he might be able to steer you towards someone who will be OR a future business contact, friend, etc. The point is to not be wary, afraid, distrustful or competitive with men AND to weed out all of those who would be combative with you.

  11. I loved this! I'm right on the cusp(20) but this was a great read. May I also suggest that girls check out the demographics of the universities they plan to attend. Lets just say a fashion school doesn't exactly burst the seams with eligible men.

    1. Laughing at the fashion school reference!! Yes…well Princess Angela was an established fashion designer living in NYC when she met Prince Max, so we have to make connections via larger social circles. Oddly enough I'd also question te assumption that a fashion school would offer an official count of non-eligible than the HBCUs due to those who are man-sharing and dipping in and out of the closet. At least with certain professions and programs more women would know going in…other set-ups are NOT so obvious particularly amongst those who limit themselves or are steered into limited situations unknowingly. Speaking of, this reminds me of the post at Muslim Bushido about why BW should not be attending them — http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/08/please-

      1. Thats one of my favorite articles. I fought tooth and nail not to be sent to a prestigious HBCU because I understood there was nothing there for me. Luckily my mother supported me despite the fact that I'm the only one in my immediate family who did not attend one.

        1. REALLY!! Wow…that blog post is almost 2 years old and STILL impacts to.this.day!!

  12. Printing this to give to my girls at work. They are 8-12 but it's never to early to let them know since most of them are exposed to BET, et.al.

    1. KtoM: Welcome and thanks for your feedback. Anything that helps girl's better discern men, learn who they are to be able to make better choices and arming them with practical advice will certainly make society at large friendlier for women and children and help others to thrive.

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