Unless And Until He Puts A Ring On It You Are A Free Agent
Even then there are many men who say I Do but don’t Honor & Cherish. As the blog host of What Women Never Hear has stated, commitment doesn’t guarantee devotion. He’s of course writing about white society at large and I find it a useful template to compare. While the majority of men from other groups (read that as non-black) DO marry, the ties that bind are becoming looser the further away society moves from upholding core values.
Since 65% of black males in this country do NOT marry at all, I wouldn’t even waste my time considering them unless I was either:
a) not a black woman
b) a woman with some black heritage in the mix, who comes from a different culture and would otherwise be considered “exotic”, “light-skinned” etc. — or
c) had a potential selection of men that had already been pre-screened for caliber and vetted by reliable sources.
That’s still a crap shoot either way you look at it!! Expanding your options is the only thing that makes sense.
By the way, I know I’ve discussed the relationship blow-back and the competitiveness that has emerged amongst the more politically-minded feminists who view men as rivals BUT it isn’t ALL about feminism with a capital “F”. Hugh Hefner helped usher in the slick and sophisticated version of devaluing relationships by focusing on sex outside of marriage, thereby putting a happy face to the gateway of denigration of women. Larry Flint’s version has been more in-your-face (downright vulgar in fact), but the dismantling of taboos and even the lack of shame has helped cement the wider use of pornography across the board.
Healthy expressions of sexuality, sensuality and eroticism has always been at odds because this is such a puritanical society BUT that’s due to people’s misuse of religion as dogma, lack of respect for each other, the overabundance of male dominance because women have abdicated certain privileges to “act like men” and the reinforcement of unrealistic archetypes [Madonna/Whore].
Some men are mean-spirited deviants and must be kept in check. Others will see how far they can get but will adhere to proper boundaries IF they are set. The reality tv show that has tried to redefine the purity and simplicity of the “girl next door” archetype by using Hef’s latest crop of hos used to really piss me off, but I am reminded that white women are still a protected class. They can still be the porn star and marry into a life in the ‘burbs as a soccer mom.
Black women are not afforded such an opportunity and the foolish ones who try have or will find out soon enough. There’s another issue that compounds singleton status that tips more favorably to men. It is a patriarchal society thus that shouldn’t be a surprise.
I think blogger Ms. Afropolitan makes an important observation when she asks:
Do you notice that there is a difference in how men and women are expected to behave as single? The concept of ‘single men’ and ‘single women’ is different because there isn’t really a concept of ‘single men’?
Indeed. Viagra-popping great-grandpas get to be thought of as suave whereas women over 30 are told to hang it up. Before I drift too far off topic the reason for this particular post is based on a Facebook conversation I had to end rather abruptly with a male who needed to be reminded not to post diatribes on social networking sites when you’re too emotional.
He posted a message that read: “I just found out the woman I was seeing is also dating someone else”. He was clearly venting. He also wrote something about how wrong it was to date more than one person at a time – referencing her actions apparently. He went on to say she had “three days to get her stuff” out of his apartment. So my brain was moving far faster than my hands in typing a reply to him. Oh — have I mentioned this guy is white and has expressed interest in dating black women? I thought he was living with the woman (don’t know her race) – which didn’t quite make sense given the way he described the relationship. So I asked him why he was living with a woman he wasn’t married to (or was engaged to with a wedding date set). He responded that marriage is just a piece of paper…and some other venting about divorce rates. Hmm. Alrighty then! REF FLAG! Penalty Alert!! I should’ve logged off then..but oh no I was like a hungry dog with a bone.
See, if this had been a black woman who had posted something about discovering the guy she was involved with had a sidepiece my first question would be: DID YOU HAVE AN EXPLICIT AGREEMENT TO BE IN A COMMITTED MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP? What had happened in an exchange with one BW in particular is that she was contemplating reconnecting with a DBR who told her upfront he was having sex with another woman but wasn’t “in a relationship with her”. The fact she hadn’t shut the door on that mess to begin with was bad enough, but she got mad at a woman who responded to her thread and told her she could do better. Then I replied she should be grateful someone had taken the time to warn her instead of being abusive.
This woman had clearly decided to be his next sperm dumpster but you’d have thought we had done something wrong the way she went off on the other woman and then me. This is why I completely stopped participating in these types of futile conversations. If you’ve agreed to monogamy and commitment…that other party violates terms by dating others. You can accept scraps or move on……just don’t cry about it later.
So..back to the guy…he was clearly angry. I wrote back that there seemed to be a communication problem at play. I further asked him if he cared so much about this woman whether he’d offered a commitment (and I was thinking an apology would be a good place to start, too). Why?
Couples who are in relationships behave one way. People hooking up behave another.
I paid far more attention to his word choices and description than his emotional outburst. Shall I be blunt?
“The woman I am seeing” = casual f**king to my ears.
He didn’t say “my girlfriend is cheating”. There’s a huge difference. I was also thinking this woman sounds smart because they are NOT married and she didn’t allow herself to be tied up in a dead-end non-relationship, “relationship”. Thems the breaks. You snooze you lose. My instincts were screaming at me inside my head (inner dialog not mental breakdown) that this guy was tied up in his ego and it really had little to do with the woman in question.
Now, I could be far off-base and I do NOT know the circumstances. Yet, the entire exchange left an immediate bad taste in my mouth. Meanwhile he was getting all sorts of sympathy messages from other black women about how nice he was and how he’d find someone better. I was the only one
grilling him asking questions. Perhaps I could’ve been more sensitive, but I wasn’t buying his “she done me wrong” song. He got a little bit testy with me of course and I replied he should simply ignore my questions. I did make a point that he was walking a fine line between expressing disappointment and being overly critical of a woman.
Any male that starts publicly complaining
venting, trash-talking about other women is to be avoided like the plague!
Before You Anti-Interracial Dating Folks Jump For Joy Let Me Nullify Your One Track Minds
This is not the opportunity for you white hegemony fighters and “OMG A White Man” hand-wringers to think I’m contradicting myself in any way. I’m writing about the behavior and my observations of one white male. Your binary arguments have no place here. You don’t have the floor. Thank goodness more black women are realizing they DO have options available if they choose to look for them.
Also, let me tell you I have overheard far too many blacks describe each other in the most vile way consistently and increasingly worse the past two years (if that’s even possible). First of all, EVERYTHING is a complaint. Secondly, ALL I hear is B**ch this and Ni**a that. Is it any wonder the collective is at odds and circling the drain?
What value is a man who doesn’t communicate well for your long-term relationship prospects? I suspect Mr. Disgruntled wasn’t being honest about the role he played in the demise of his relationship which is why I disengaged. The dysfunctional ones are the common denominator in every relationship foible and are often the real problem. I may have been blunt or abrupt but I wasn’t inclined to engage in hand-holding during what I felt was a dishonest conversation. I don’t do it for black women so I’m certainly not going to do it for a white male. I wanted to get to the bottom and figure out a solution quickly if he was sincere. He unloaded a ton of baggage with a few short sentences that let me know there was more to it than what he had claimed. There usually is. Next!!
Loving Well Isn’t About Chasing After Men Or Settling For Moldy Crumbs
I understand gender roles and relationships can be confusing due to mixed messaging, inappropriate behavior and unrealistic expectations. We need a return to common sense and the proper order of certain truths. WOMEN are the prize. NOT the other way around. Don’t rush into having sex with someone you barely know if you want to be on the marriage track and think they are a possibility. Be prepared for whatever happens regardless. This is why ALL women are urged to vet (evaluate, screen, test, question, expect proof of, check for unsavory behavioral patterns, look under every rock, run a background check) where men are concerned.
No man is above scrutiny and the truly good ones welcome it. They want to prove to and show you they are worthy IF they respect YOU. If you set yourself apart from the foolish, flighty and easily discarded women of today. As I’ve stated repeatedly it is about common core values, not race that matters most in choosing a suitable partner. That means don’t automatically assume anyone who shares a similar phenotype is best – and don’t think choosing YAWG (Your Average White Guy) automatically means you’ve hit the jackpot either. QUALITY. QUALITY. QUALITY. What’s the bottom-line?
Unless You Are Married, You Are SINGLE
Yes, exceptions abound. Yadda. Yadda. We’re talking about what’s going to work best for the majority. For YOU. I say when in question just take a look at the tax laws and parameters for distributing death benefits. The best terms are for those who do have that “piece of paper”. So much has been achieved socially in the last 40-50 years without it being tempered. Our liberation as women in a man’s world has successfully unbound us to steady and secure interpersonal relations whereby many men no longer want to “win” us. We must recreate equilibrium as ladies again – along with our equality. I really feel for the next woman who enters into a relationship with Mr. Disgruntled. How many higher-caliber men do you know use social networking sites to publicly air their relationship issues?
You Might Want To Check Out The Other Vetting Men Series and similar posts.