Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #5: Angry Boys Need Not Apply!

Unless And Until He Puts A Ring On It You Are A Free Agent

Even then there are many men who say I Do but don’t Honor & Cherish. As the blog host of What Women Never Hear has stated, commitment doesn’t guarantee devotion. He’s of course writing about white society at large and I find it a useful template to compare. While the majority of men from other groups (read that as non-black) DO marry, the ties that bind are becoming looser the further away society moves from upholding core values.

Since 65% of black males in this country do NOT marry at all, I wouldn’t even waste my time considering them unless I was either:

a) not a black woman

b) a woman with some black heritage in the mix, who comes from a different culture and would otherwise be considered “exotic”, “light-skinned” etc. —  or

c) had a potential selection of men that had already been pre-screened for caliber and vetted by reliable sources.

That’s still a crap shoot either way you look at it!! Expanding your options is the only thing that makes sense.

By the way, I know I’ve discussed the relationship blow-back and the competitiveness that has emerged amongst the more politically-minded feminists who view men as rivals BUT it isn’t ALL about feminism with a capital “F”. Hugh Hefner helped usher in the slick and sophisticated version of devaluing relationships by focusing on sex outside of marriage, thereby putting a happy face to the gateway of denigration of women. Larry Flint’s version has been more in-your-face (downright vulgar in fact), but the dismantling of taboos and even the lack of shame has helped cement the wider use of pornography across the board.

Healthy expressions of sexuality, sensuality and eroticism has always been at odds because this is such a puritanical society BUT that’s due to people’s misuse of religion as dogma, lack of respect for each other, the overabundance of male dominance because women have abdicated certain privileges to “act like men” and the reinforcement of unrealistic archetypes [Madonna/Whore].

Some men are mean-spirited deviants and must be kept in check. Others will see how far they can get but will adhere to proper boundaries IF they are set. The reality tv show that has tried to redefine the purity and simplicity of the “girl next door” archetype by using Hef’s latest crop of hos used to really piss me off, but I am reminded that white women are still a protected class. They can still be the porn star and marry into a life in the ‘burbs as a soccer mom.

Black women are not afforded such an opportunity and the foolish ones who try have or will find out soon enough.  There’s another issue that compounds singleton status that tips more favorably to men. It is a patriarchal society thus that shouldn’t be a surprise.

I think blogger Ms. Afropolitan makes an important observation when she asks:

Do you notice that there is a difference in how men and women are expected to behave as single? The concept of ‘single men’ and ‘single women’ is different because there isn’t really a concept of ‘single men’?

Indeed. Viagra-popping great-grandpas get to be thought of as suave whereas women over 30 are told to hang it up. Before I drift too far off topic the reason for this particular post is based on a Facebook conversation I had to end rather abruptly with a male who needed to be reminded not to post diatribes on social networking sites when you’re too emotional.

He posted a message that read: “I just found out the woman I was seeing is also dating someone else”. He was clearly venting. He also wrote something about how wrong it was to date more than one person at a time – referencing her actions apparently. He went on to say she had “three days to get her stuff” out of his apartment. So my brain was moving far faster than my hands in typing a reply to him. Oh  — have I mentioned this guy is white and has expressed interest in dating black women? I thought he was living with the woman (don’t know her race) – which didn’t quite make sense given the way he described the relationship. So I asked him why he was living with a woman he wasn’t married to (or was engaged to with a wedding date set). He responded that marriage is just a piece of paper…and some other venting about divorce rates. Hmm. Alrighty then! REF FLAG! Penalty Alert!! I should’ve logged off then..but oh no I was like a hungry dog with a bone.

See, if this had been a black woman who had posted something about discovering the guy she was involved with had a sidepiece my first question would be: DID YOU HAVE AN EXPLICIT AGREEMENT TO BE IN A COMMITTED MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP? What had happened in an exchange with one BW in particular is that she was contemplating reconnecting with a DBR who told her upfront he was having sex with another woman but wasn’t “in a relationship with her”. The fact she hadn’t shut the door on that mess to begin with was bad enough, but she got mad at a woman who responded to her thread and told her she could do better. Then I replied she should be grateful someone had taken the time to warn her instead of being abusive.

This woman had clearly decided to be his next sperm dumpster but you’d have thought we had done something wrong the way she went off on the other woman and then me. This is why I completely stopped participating in these types of futile conversations. If you’ve agreed to monogamy and commitment…that other party violates terms by dating others. You can accept scraps or move on……just don’t cry about it later.

So..back to the guy…he was clearly angry. I wrote back that there seemed to be a communication problem at play. I further asked him if he cared so much about this woman whether he’d offered a commitment (and I was thinking an apology would be a good place to start, too). Why?

Couples who are in relationships behave one way. People hooking up behave another.

I paid far more attention to his word choices and description than his emotional outburst. Shall I be blunt?

“The woman I am seeing” = casual f**king to my ears.

He didn’t say “my girlfriend is cheating”. There’s a huge difference. I was also thinking this woman sounds smart because they are NOT married and she didn’t allow herself to be tied up in a dead-end non-relationship, “relationship”. Thems the breaks. You snooze you lose. My instincts were screaming at me inside my head (inner dialog not mental breakdown) that this guy was tied up in his ego and it really had little to do with the woman in question.

Now, I could be far off-base and I do NOT know the circumstances. Yet, the entire exchange left an immediate bad taste in my mouth. Meanwhile he was getting all sorts of sympathy messages from other black women about how nice he was and how he’d find someone better. I was the only one grilling him asking questions.  Perhaps I could’ve been more sensitive, but I wasn’t buying his “she done me wrong” song. He got a little bit testy with me of course and I replied he should simply ignore my questions. I did make a point that he was walking a fine line between expressing disappointment and being overly critical of a woman.

Any male that starts publicly complaining venting, trash-talking about other women is to be avoided like the plague!

Before You Anti-Interracial Dating Folks Jump For Joy Let Me Nullify Your One Track Minds

This is not the opportunity for you white hegemony fighters and “OMG A White Man” hand-wringers to think I’m contradicting myself in any way. I’m writing about the behavior and my observations of one white male. Your binary arguments have no place here.  You don’t have the floor. Thank goodness more black women are realizing they DO have options available if they choose to look for them.

Also, let me tell you I have overheard far too many blacks describe each other in the most vile way consistently and increasingly worse the past two years (if that’s even possible). First of all, EVERYTHING is a complaint. Secondly, ALL I hear is B**ch this and Ni**a that. Is it any wonder the collective is at odds and circling the drain?

What value is a man who doesn’t communicate well for your long-term relationship prospects? I suspect Mr. Disgruntled wasn’t being honest about the role he played in the demise of his relationship which is why I disengaged. The dysfunctional ones are the common denominator in every relationship foible and are often the real problem. I may have been blunt or abrupt but I wasn’t inclined to engage in hand-holding during what I felt was a dishonest conversation. I don’t do it for black women so I’m certainly not going to do it for a white male. I wanted to get to the bottom and figure out a solution quickly if he was sincere. He unloaded a ton of baggage with a few short sentences that let me know there was more to it than what he had claimed. There usually is. Next!!

Loving Well Isn’t About Chasing After Men Or Settling For Moldy Crumbs

I understand gender roles and relationships can be confusing due to mixed messaging, inappropriate behavior and unrealistic expectations. We need a return to common sense and the proper order of certain truths. WOMEN are the prize. NOT the other way around. Don’t rush into having sex with someone you barely know if you want to be on the marriage track and think they are a possibility. Be prepared for whatever happens regardless. This is why ALL women are urged to vet (evaluate, screen, test, question, expect proof of, check for unsavory behavioral patterns, look under every rock, run a background check) where men are concerned.

No man is above scrutiny and the truly good ones welcome it. They want to prove to and show you they are worthy IF they respect YOU. If you set yourself apart from the foolish, flighty and easily discarded women of today. As I’ve stated repeatedly it is about common core values, not race that matters most in choosing a suitable partner. That means don’t automatically assume anyone who shares a similar phenotype is best – and don’t think choosing YAWG (Your Average White Guy) automatically means you’ve hit the jackpot either. QUALITY. QUALITY. QUALITY. What’s the bottom-line?

Unless You Are Married, You Are SINGLE

Yes, exceptions abound. Yadda. Yadda. We’re talking about what’s going to work best for the majority. For YOU. I say when in question just take a look at the tax laws and parameters for distributing death benefits. The best terms are for those who do have that “piece of paper”. So much has been achieved socially in the last 40-50 years without it being tempered. Our liberation as women in a man’s world has successfully unbound us to steady and secure interpersonal relations whereby many men no longer want to “win” us. We must recreate equilibrium as ladies again – along with our equality. I really feel for the next woman who enters into a relationship with Mr. Disgruntled. How many higher-caliber men do you know use social networking sites to publicly air their relationship issues?

***

You Might Want To Check Out The Other Vetting Men Series and similar posts.

(Try googling both to see what I’m referring to) I reckon this is because men’s lifestyles are not associated with a change in attitude depending on their relationship status, the way women’s wrongly are. What do you think?Did you like this post? Subscribe to MsAfropolitan by Email or RSS . Keep up to date with MsAfropolitan on TumblrFacebook and Twitter and the MsAfropolitan Boutique 

Related posts:

  1. 7 ways to love yourself more in 2011
  2. How not to come out of the closet

17 Responses to “How I stopped being single”

  1. Roschelle 13 January 2011 at 8:00 am Permalink

    The lifestyle package that caters to the desperation: to find someone and become whole again. – now that’s a mouthful and the god’s honest truth. i’ve been in an unhealthy relationship for way too long. the terror of letting go; letting someone else experience what i was never able to truly enjoy or call my own; the sobering idea/concept of being alone.

    all these things held me prisoner sentenced to unhappiness. it wasn’t until i realized that falling in love with me; nurturing my mind, body and soul instead of his; resigning myself to the fact that being alone isn’t the same as being lonely.

    once you decide to start living and stop merely existing …. wholeness is just a breath away.

    • MsAfropolitan 20 January 2011 at 10:43 pm Permalink

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they resonate also. Most profoundly.

  2. Dave McInerney 13 January 2011 at 10:01 am Permalink

    When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
    And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
    And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
    Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

    How many loved your moments of glad grace,
    And loved your beauty with love false or true,
    But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
    And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

    And bending down beside the glowing bars,
    Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
    And paced upon the mountains overhead
    And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

    W.B. Yeats

    • MsAfropolitan 20 January 2011 at 10:43 pm Permalink

      Wonderful poem!

  3. Anna Renee 16 January 2011 at 12:52 pm Permalink

    Wow!! This is so nice. I love how you said it:

    “I choose to live love. I might be at an auction for the single lifestyle, but I’m bidding everything I own on the love lifestyle.Whether I’m living it on my own or with someone else. I don’t behave different, dress different or have different friends depending on my relationship status, and that makes me feel whole.”

    This is that process, this is that truth that we women all should come to and want to come to. In this, is the freedom to be oneself. We women shouldn’t be working so much at having a man as we should at having self knowledge, leading to self love, which is true beauty!

    • MsAfropolitan 20 January 2011 at 10:47 pm Permalink

      Thanks so much for reading and sharing! Self knowledge is true beauty!

  4. MBA 16 January 2011 at 9:39 pm Permalink

    OMG dude! It’s like someone has articulated how I have been feeling for a long time but haven’t been able to articulate it. I have never been single. I have been trying to live love because I am not the relationship kind and people have no understanding of not wanting to be single and do the whole go out meet someone go on a date etc thing either. I am going to have to do a post on this. Thanks for adding another post to my already backlogged list ha ha ha ha!

    And yes it really pisses me off that men and women are expect to behave differently. Because of this when I haven’t changed my behaviour when I have been unsingled guys have said that I am like a man and not as a compliment like I am defective or something. Guys and girls both need to be educated as both are perpetuating stereotypes. The way people love is on a spectrum, some think its about changing behaviours and some don’t and there is anything in between with both sexes. We need to allow for differences and let people find their match and not make it seem like there is something wrong with someone when they don’t fit the stereotypes we take comfort in.

    I am so glad that you have chosen to not only live life in love but have also shared your thoughts. I am sure you are going to illuminate something much needed and very profound in others. xoxoxo

    • MsAfropolitan 20 January 2011 at 10:46 pm Permalink

      Thanks for this comment, it’s encouraging to hear that others too feel this way. And your welcome for the backlog lol ;)

  5. Vickii 18 January 2011 at 5:01 pm Permalink

    I hate to throw my own gender under the bus but I think the expectation of how men and women are supposed to behave when they’re single is based on the fact that a lot of women define themselves by their relationship status and also change their behaviour depending on whether they’re single or coupled up. We all have those friends we only ever see in-between relationships, and we all know women who mourn their 25th, or 30th birthday because they haven’t accomplished their major goal; to be married. However, I do think men are also guilty of both of these things but perhaps it’s more difficult for them to show it because they’re not expected to think like that?

    But I totally agree with you that becoming whole has nothing to do with someone else. Our longest and most significant relationship will be the one with ourselves so it’s the one we need to put the most effort into.

  6. Afrofusion 19 January 2011 at 4:57 pm Permalink

    Nicely written!

  7. Agga 27 January 2011 at 7:21 pm Permalink

    I agree, you cannot really love somebody completely like they deserve to be loved if you don’t love yourself. If you do love yourself in every kind of way, you will act the same no matter who or what is around.
    Beijos linda!

    • MsAfropolitan 1 February 2011 at 9:03 pm Permalink

      Hey Agga! Thanks for stopping by. :)

  8. Dasheen Magazine 2 February 2011 at 1:30 am Permalink

    I am so right here with you on this entire post lady. I’ve been pondering singleness of mind, even within a relationship lately. This is an important milestone for women. I think everyone should read an come to their own conclusions. Thank you for sharing your heart and in such a beautiful way.

  9. George Dickson 3 February 2011 at 1:36 pm Permalink

    Hey Ms Afropolitan,
    Nice to see an UK afro blog on the scene. Interesting post here and the comments are even more interesting.

    I could really say something about whats being said here, but i think the main thing im learning nowadays is that females are having relationships with themselves and their dreams! lol.

    George

    P.S. Im technically enabled when it comes to website design so if you need any help changing things up holla! (free of course)

    African United

    Why do women hold on to these dodgy relationships so much?

    • MsAfropolitan 6 February 2011 at 8:06 pm Permalink

      Hi george, thanks for sharing your thoughts and feel free to elaborate more if you wish. I write these articles to learn, teach and generate discussion.
      I disagree with what you say, in that case both women and men are having relationships ‘with their dreams’ given the high rates of divorce and single people around. After all men too, whether they like it or not, have to deal with the zeitgeist.
      To answer your question, some women hold on to dodgy relationships because as this article discusses there is a kind of desperation attached to the ‘single lifestyle’.
      In my opinion wholeness and happiness is within oneself and not acquired through another person, but of course that doesn’t mean that being in a relationship is undesirable just needs to be the right reasons.

  10. George Dickson 7 February 2011 at 12:54 pm Permalink

    Thanks for getting back to me miss politan.

    I must say first that my comments where just kinda thrown out there (and so will this one) but in reflection what i was trying to say is how im against this “single lifestyle” becoming the norm amongst women.

    Oddly enough, yesterday i went to a comedy show packed full of women (ratio about 1 to 4 women) and the comedian asked put ladies to put their hands up if they were in a relationship….
    To even my own surprise barely any girls put theres hands up.
    You could think that was because they were shy but i actually believe these girls.

    Many of these girls were very beautiful same as yourself but were not taken and im beginning to find this theme common amongst young women.

    I know its a protection mechanism for women to say “let me do me” but the birdseye view that im getting of this situation now isnt positive.

    When i said the living with their dreams comment i was simply referring to the fact that singletons love the “tick box” kind of “relationshopping” for men that has women filtering out men for rubbish reasons like he talks funny or isnt tall enough. All these expectations are fabrications of what would potentially make them happy, but with little experience or adaptability in their mind. Thus a dream….an ideal….

    Thats kinda what i wanted to say.

    And the comment i said about dodgy relationships was something i (mistakenly) didnt delete before i sent the comment.

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17 comments to Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #5: Angry Boys Need Not Apply!

  • MayDarling

    I meant "we" as a black woman collective -- that we need to shake of the shackles of a DBR community and strive for better.

  • MayDarling

    I wish that more women would get on board with this. We also need to stop considering every woman who wants to wed well a "gold digger." Look at the Middletons: each successive generation married up, all the way up into the stratosphere. Even if, at some point, Catherine and William get divorced, she will still maintain a certain level of status having been married to a future king. The Middletons have also trained the younger sister, Pippa, well. She only dates in her level or higher. Why do we, as black women, feel that it's ok to settle for crumbs? We really need to learn how to properly vet a potential mate. And this means not only looking at the man himself, but also his family, friends and connections. Marriage is supposed to be mutually beneficial -- if we are keeping ourselves on track and on point, why is ok to marry someone for their "potential." By the time a man is ready to marry he should currently be ,or well on the way to, fulfilling his potential.

  • witchsistah

    Mr. Disgruntled sounds like the type who thinks Black women should be grateful for his penis. The type who thinks Black women will accept ANYTHING as long as it's White. The type who thinks he just shouldn't have to do much for Black women, who'd expect to be kicked to the curb for his behavior if he were dealing with a non-Black woman, but expects Black women to wait on him hand and foot. And he's probably one of those White men who troll amongst Black women because he can't find a non-Black woman who'd deal with him and he thinks so lowly of us that he feels we'd put up with him and his mess. Like you said, the woman he was going off about sounds smart not to entangle herself with him or take him at all seriously.

  • Patricia Kayden

    65% of Black men never marry. WOW!! And then of the 35% who do marry, 22% marry non-Black women.

    What is the "Black community" going to look like in the future? More out-of-wedlock births I guess.

    Good article.

  • calpurnia

    You need to STRESS -'Unless you are married, you are SINGLE' --I heard sooo many SILLY WOMEN use that one--'i'm not single' constantly, and they have NO RINGS, just jewelry in face and multiple earrings--creepy Hefner wias the one who caused men to hut their families--I also blame Hefner and Co. for 2nd graders that are getting involved in porn behavior--it was going to come eventually, since this is coming to a 'head' after 60 yrs.--many guys want to be married even though people dont think so..but like the guy on' wwnh.wordpress.com' says MEN LIKE A CHALLENGE more than women ;although we like challenges too sometimes

  • NijaG

    Unless You Are Married, You Are SINGLE

    Co-sign the above 100%

    I've always told my friends you are either single or married, anything in between is just a story. As for the guy in the post, there are so many like him nowadays (regardless of race). They never seem to want to define the relationship with any kind of definitive labels (Girlfriend, fiance, etc), but somehow still expect commitment level behavior from these women.

    Like we say back home, "Go and sit down somewhere please and shut up."

  • Preach, Preacher!

    Comonsense is really lacking among todays woman, they ought to be paying you for the wisdom pearls you are dropping Faith.

    Unless You Are Married, You Are SINGLE (rinse and repeat)