Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #2: Femme Time Is Power

I know some of you may have read the Aftenposten article I was featured in. I’ve requested a native Norwegian speaker who’s also fluent in American English to translate and transcribe it for a better read and will feature it next week.


Today’s post isn’t going to be about men. It’s about YOU. You in all your crowning glory. How you think and feel about yourself has everything to do with how you will attract (and test the character of) quality men (and people in general). This will also be useful in maintaining your equilibrium in established relationships.

We can discuss a list of do’s and don’ts. I can tell you to go after the highest-caliber man you can meet but that may have the same effectiveness of stating brushing and flossing prevents dental decay. So let’s start at step one.

You Must Feel Good About Yourself

I could say you must love yourself but we already know that. HOW do you do it? This is especially helpful for women who are undergoing internal adjustments and external changes to their appearance (i.e. losing weight). This is absolutely vital to get to young black girls who are having their spirits assaulted on a daily basis before it’s too late and they give up on life. If you have a goal that you are working towards and haven’t achieved it yet (leaving the dead black community, being more feminine, getting rid of the “mean mug”, losing weight, finding healthy social circles, etc. how do you keep the momentum going?


This must be done in front of a mirror. If you have one of the fancy lighted ones with the magnifying side even better. I used to live in a studio apartment (it was big) in Los Angeles that had the old-fashioned vanity (dressing table) and wall-length mirror. I put removable colored stars around the edges and ran a speaker through to the adjoining bathroom so I could have surround sound. I got a foldable chair so I could sit in front of it and preen. It’s not vain to do so. I didn’t realize how valuable a ritual that was, but looking back it makes sense. I had an active social life and dated often. I had to fight comparing myself to other women whom I thought were far more pretty, but putting on my “face” made it all better.

I also like doing this as part of my in-home facial ritual. I use a face steamer, a mask (I like to use two,one hydrating and one oil absorbing) and a pore extractor (not recommended unless you know what you’re doing). I also shape my eyebrows. After 10 years and many, many eyebrow specialists I can do it myself. If you’re as obsessed with eyebrows as I am, having to train a new person every three months at your local eyebrow bar/spa/nail salon gets rather tedious. Especially when they don’t listen to you telling them to not take off too much hair because you like a thicker brow and you have to let them grow back in. Grrr!! I’ve noticed the difference it makes now as I’m reintroducing myself to being “girly” vs. practical. I can tell  how great I feel after putting on makeup and smiling more. Not donning the bare face because I’m just going to wash it all off at the end of the day. I’ve noticed that if I put on more makeup I feel even better. It’s the difference between lipgloss and a coat of mascara pretty to full-on va-va-voom gorgeousness.


This is your alone time in preparing for the day and it’s non-negotiable. Wash your face, moisturize, put your makeup on, style your hair, say your prayers/spiritual practice and tell yourself you are fabulous. You are affirming your God-given beauty and your value by assigning this time for yourself. You are putting on your “beauty” and “lady” armor. It will protect you from the slings and arrows of life (rude people, crazy drivers, annoying bosses, blog trolls). It will make your responsibilities go down a little easier whether you are partnered or solo, child-free or mommy. It will quell any doubts you have about your worth. It will put a spring in your step and work better than a shot of Vitamin B.

The men won’t stand a chance afterwards because you’ll have that layer of mystery they love. By men I’m referring to functional males who like women. The guys who have it together. The only types you should be considering. We don’t need to rehash why that’s necessary do we? No DBRs!!!!!!

People will wonder, “Who’s that girl?” and what is it about you that makes you so special. They won’t know if your style of dress, your signature scent, your hair or your outlook, but they’ll be drawn to your essence. You’ll be considered more appealing than the women who might be considered more aesthetically pleasing because your inner light will be beaming. And your “green light” will be on!

Let your “Soul Glow”! Yes, that was reference to Coming To America and that fake commercial cracks me up every time.

Here’s a link to post about a fashion editor Shala Monroque (even her name is cool!) who looks unique enough to stand out even in her high fashion attire. You can practically spoon her confidence as it oozes off the page. Find a style that works with your budget and scheduling obligations and go for it. The Satorialist blog is one of the biggest fashion blogs on the internet for a reason. The slice of life photos of regular folk who are fab-u-lous is rather contagious. You might loads of ideas about how to play with certain looks – or at the very least subconsciously absorb a little fashion forward thinking. Oh and celebrity stylist June Ambrose has a stiletto heel workout video (oh yes!) to help ease you into wearing high heels.

P.S. I had to add the link to the Lords Of Acid song, The Most Wonderful Girl. It may be considered a bit risque but sometimes we need a jolt! Besides with lyrics like: I’m beautiful/I’m the greatest thing I’ve ever seen/God I love myself/ I’m sexy/Gorgeous/Beautiful/So lovely it can’t be accused of not espousing a confident message!


You Might Like to Review:

Vetting Men Part One

36 comments to Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #2: Femme Time Is Power

  • Faith

    Here's a NYT feature on photog/fashionista Garance Dore. She's part of a very creative couple and I like how she managed to carve out a niche for herself. While she's not married to Scott (yet?) she was previously married. Anyway, she'll figure out what works best for her in that department. I wanted to include it because her blog is sooo cool. And I'm actually glad we've all been able to progress from talking about the insane behavior of the DBRs 24/7 (which was necessary at one time to guard ourselves) but now we cna also talk about some FUN things but how we can use them to enhance our best assets and position ourselves better. Enjoy! http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/10/fashion/10close

  • I'm DEFINITELY adding these affirmations to my morning ritual. Thanks!!!

  • Vanessa F.

    Hello Faith and Ladies,

    First, I am jealous that you can do your own eyebrows. 😉 I have a monthly standing appointment with who I call an eyebrow specialist to deal with my Brooke Shields-esque brows. I love 'em but they are a pain to keep them at the correct thickness and shape. However, after I get my brows done, I always feel prettier.

    Moving on: Femme Time is Power! When I first started the job where I currently work, a lot of the women would give me slight grief on dressing up 'all the time'. Sometimes they came off as genuine compliments, other times they were suspect (depending on the woman). After seeing how I was treated by the men, well lo and behold I started seeing a whole lot of dresses/skirts/makeup on the same women who would make an issue out of me being me. Good for them!

    Being put together makes me field good even when I do start off feeling like death warmed over!

    btw…Shala Monroque is fierce! She has great style.

  • Jacquie

    Re: Soul Glow-- I crack up every time too!____I feel you on the taking time for self. For so long, I didn't want to be bothered with makeup even though I had unhealth skin: acne, blackheads, scars. But I love the stuff! I just didn't love me enough. I live in the DC Metro area, and this is the time when I *need* to be on my game. Women here do.not.play. At first, it was overwhelming and I was feeling very self-conscious, but I had(have) to remind myself that I am a beautiful and I am me! Making time for the gym has made running up and down those durned broken Metro escalators a bit easier…and I feel better in my clothes! :)

    I loved the dress with the skeleton hands! LOL

  • Miss S

    I, for one, love this post.

    I have my morning rituals with moisturizing, make up, etc now, and it changes the way I feel about myself for the rest of the day. .
    Sometimes (this may sound weird) when I get out of the shower, I admire myself in the mirror before getting dressed. I struggle with hormonal acne on my face, but I am in love with my body. It sounds so weird to say that, because from what I've read on womens blogs, most women seem to hate their bodies. But I love mine. I admire it in my full length mirror every day before I leave.

    "Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful" Sophia Loren

    This statement is so true. Confidence makes you glow, and it attracts men.

  • evia

    Faith, I wasn't quite sure which one of you had done the Norwegian newspaper interview. I knew they had grabbed one of you or maybe more than one? Super!

    And when we talk about mating in the global village, there are so many different men out there with different makeups. Some of those guys LOVE a woman with her own zany style. They're delighted by her. I would encourage bw to develop their own style, at least when they're away from work. If a woman looks like every other woman, then she's just a clone. IMO, most bw have the body structure and personality to be viewed as understated "art." I would encourage a bw of any age to go for it, as long as she behaves like a butterfly--charming, lighthearted, friendly, and of course, a bit flirtatious. LOL! That works every time!

  • Faith

    Oh dear it would seem the Red Carpet Fashion blog's server is down. I hope it's up soon. The Shala feature was really really good!!

  • MsMellody

    Absolutely stunning. That is my response to clicking on the link to Shala Monroque. This is one of the many reasons that I am in awe of these BWE blogs. I had never ever heard of her and let me just say..thank you Faith for this blog. And yes I did indeed read ( as best I could ) the Aftenposten article this morning over at Evia's. I was truly impressed with the photos and seeing how some very smart and empowered young BW have gotten up and moved forward..and in effect moved on to the open range of available quality men in European countries.

    Thanks again Faith!!!!!