Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #17 (pt 2): Negotiating Potentially Deadly Waters

Picking up where we left off at Pt. 1 of Evaluating Men #17, the overwhelming consensus is one young woman made a critical error in who she chose to mate and marry and must make solid exit plans for her sake and that of her unborn child. Phew, the ramifications are intense!

*After I wrote this intro, the woman wrote in. I stand by what I said. Please send her love, light and wisdom. Hopefully, she makes choices that benefit her.

We all make mistakes. It’s just some can have more serious consequences. Even deadly. The HIV conversation begins now……

HIV rate climbs to record highs for black ‘gay’ and bisexual men. I put gay in quotes for a reason. Men who have emotional, romantic or physical connections with other men are not mutually exclusive to those who willingly identify as gay (or bisexual). The CDC rightfully avoids any specific LGBT labels and lists them as Men Who Sleep With Men (MSM).

I think author E. Lynn Harris covered this dynamic very well with the character Basil Henderson. Baller. Stunner. Sex symbol. Relationships with numerous women. Has a child. Has sex with men regularly and one could infer prefers it, but wants to maintain a certain image. He will never admit there is a closet, let alone come out of one.

He’s not supposed to be considered down-low because to some WW feminists and gay BM activists (note the connection and whose interests are being served) there’s a difference.

Well, between prison culture and perpetual criminality the number of BM inmates outnumbers college grads. Men will have their sexual needs met by hook or crook. Whether they admit to being (or are actually) gay (or not) ISN’T THE POINT!

The fact many of these males are having unprotected sex with black women is. I’m not putting up any disclaimers or caveats either. You don’t get always get a second chance from toying with life-threatening issues.  The CDC reports a 73+% of OOW birth rate based on findings within a 5-year period, added onto the previous 40 years. A recent USA Today article says it’s currently at 80% which does not surprise me at all. The CDC also lists HIV rate of infection as the highest amongst BW 25-44 amidst all groups of women. Not to mention numerous other ailments and infections. See the chart below and be sure to read the CDC findings from the link provided.

It isn’t that BW are racking up an endless list of sex partners, but the men they’re with are.

– High prevalence of HIV

– Lack of knowledge of HIV status

– Complacency about risk

CDC Suggested Solutions:

– Abstinence

– Only have sex (i.e., anal, vaginal or oral) if you’re in a mutually monogamous relationship with a partner you know is not infected.

– Use a condom every time you have anal, vaginal or oral sex.

You can play dumb or protect yourself, but don’t let anyone else obfuscate the issue. Stop limiting yourself to black males and pick quality partners. When the denial brigade at the NAACP feels compelled to create an HIV manual for black churches you know there’s an as-yet unacknowledged epidemic. Yes, it predictably focuses on black males. 1 out of 16 of your kings will contract HIV. This is 2012 – not 1985.

This is why I had a near mini-fit about this 2 years ago when Dr. Shannon Hader intentionally downplayed the underlying causes of the then 90% HIV rate amongst the black population in DC at a local Ted Conference. Please go back and read it. Nothing has changed. Oh wait, it has! It’s worse!!

We know who faithfully populates and supports the black church: black women. When your bodies start dropping it’ll be too late. This has nothing to do with the ‘black elite’. Yet going back to the Obama/Romney post you saw how other people who never reciprocate got twitchy by the mere possibility of BW pulling their resources. HIV is but ONE major detrimental condition of the present state of the black community and why continuing to support Blackistan in any shape or form will lead to your death.

See this Frontline story on this as-yet misdirected epidemic that will NOT stay on the down-low for much longer!

ACT-UP Founder Larry Kramer

27 Replies to “Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #17 (pt 2): Negotiating Potentially Deadly Waters”

  1. In the UK and US Black women have the highest rates of HIV, in the UK people do not have to disclose to there HIV status to their partner even if there are married, I knew a sister once who found out her boyfriend was HIV Positive when she google the name of the drugs she found in the loft ( he was not taking his HIV medication) she confronted him about it he claimed he was not positive, she got herself tested and she too was positive, this had a nervous breakdown I told her to go to the police but she knew that if she pressed charges and it go to court her whole family would know, in the end she took an overdose and killed herself. I do feel for people with HIV however if have sex with someone you should tell them that you are positive. In the UK the HIV+ community is very powerful there have only been a few cases of biological assault/criminal transmission as HIV Doctors and Counsellors do there very best to guilt trip the person infected not to press charges citing reasons that it will hurt the HIV + community. HIV is a very protected disease in UK not even Hepatitis B gets that protection as on death certificate HIV statuses are not listed not even for the benefit of Morticians.

    1. THAT’S CRAZY (protectionism of HIV). Sorry to hear about the lady. That’s very sad. I hope the US doesn’t go that route. Discernment is KEY these days. Too many people are about satisfying their own interests even at the expense of others.

    2. God just one more shaeful aspect of modern day Uk! I have no idea if the government would have felt this way some 30+ years ago with Thatcher around but who knows? This doesn’t surprise at all because the UK is mo longer a natiom where one can seek proper justice anymore because they’ve sacrificed so much jusrice towards being PC instead.

      Maybe they don’t want HIV+ individuals to get fired, shunned by relatives etc. but to allow them to disregard their spouses, fiancees, etc.? That’s another shameful mark showing what the UK has lowered itself to.

  2. Omg, ShunJack. I know that had to be a difficult experience to go through. I applaud you for having the strength and courage to leave that situation behind. There ARE men who are willing to wait for sex--not necessarily "FOREVER" (lol), but for a good period of time. And, some men (those with good character) are willing to wait as long as you choose to. Hopefully, you can meet the right guy, and the "waiting" process won't have to drag on indeterminately.

    I just wanted to extend to you my support. You're a strong person. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

  3. This is enough to just scare you legs shut forever….which is why I have chosen to be celibate and have been for quite some time now. I am a single divorced mother of 3 children and one of the reason I divorced my ex husband because he showed major signs that he was DL. He will still deny it to this day and still dates women. I will have to admit, even though I'm celibate, I get tested every year…and waiting on those test results are pretty scary…but it also motivates me to stay celibate until I'm married. I've been told countless times that I'm living in a fantasy land if I think a man is going to wait…but I'd rather end up alone to end up like the woman in this video. Just scary….

    1. I'm sure you've discussed your health concerns with your doctor. Now it's time to heal emotionally and move on. We have to trust in the greater good. Your celibacy would best serve you coming from a place of power -- not fear. Prepare yourself, choose wisely and set boundaries.

  4. I think this is part of a propensity fo over-emotionalism. You always need to "run the numbers" and make many decisions based on facts, not feelings.

    We can wish all this wasn't happening, but as the saying goes, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride"

    1. No. You don't have to be a "bad" person to contract HIV/AIDS. IT DOESN'T DISCRIMINATE. You have to be aware and make wise choices for your life. At this time, there are no "repeats", once you've contracted the disease.

    2. BBC showed that piece on BW at risk in the DC area at 4:30 AM today which is Thursday. It upset me that only BW at risk infection were shown and not the creatures who hid the DL lifestyle that got the women infected in the 1st place. It breaks my heart that BW choose to be pen pals with a dude engaging in or forced to engage with Bodily Russian Roulette rather than vet men that they come across or stay single.

      A couple of cats in woman’s house could never be this much trouble!

      1. Women bear the brunt of everything in a patriarchal society, so much more for BW. It's the price for propping them up and excusingtheir dysfunction.

  5. "Scared Straight"? I'm "Scared SHUT"! (legs that is--lol) But, seriously. This is why I get so upset with the current popular culture that advocates sharing your naked body, sexuality, and activity WITH THE WHOLE WORLD (not even your "local community"). Discretion and propriety are "out". "Hooking up" and capitalizing off of sex (aka "prostitution") are "IN". Why people don't seem to get the linkage between young teens feeling comfortable showing their bodies via video cam/public dress and a willingness to engage in riskier sexual practices, I don't know. I'm not a "prude" BY ANY MEANS, but I am an advocate for avoiding an intimate lifestyle that places one at risk for harm physically, psychologically, and spiritually.

    Years ago, I worked at a clinic. The majority of our patients had HIV/AIDS. I'm glad I worked there. I became more comfortable interacting with the population, AND I dispelled any myths I had about what HIV/AIDS "looks like". I've seen people of all socioeconomic/educational classes and racial/religious backgrounds inflicted with the virus. I've seen the young, "pretty" single moms. YES. HIV/AIDS comes in "pretty packages". I've seen the married couples. I've seen the 50+ crowd. I've seen the hostess at your local entertainment spot. I've seen the strong, muscular (built like a hockey/baseball player), clean cut, HANDSOME man with FULL BLOWN AIDS. I've seen the "personal trainer" looking types. I've seen the "pretty boys with the wavy hair", nicely attired, with well-kept fingernails (something I'm not personally into--SORRY, I like a man who's not afraid of WORK). Not only don't you realize they have HIV, you don't realize what other (not so attractive) "ailments" they're visiting the doctor for as a result of their lifestyle. I've had to tell case managers, "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to call (the pediatric) hospital, because we don't take clients under the age of 18."

    Yeah. I learned a lot.

    For those people who think they are going to be able to tell who has HIV/AIDS by looking at them, GUESS AGAIN. I've read articles in their special interest magazines that discussed whether/when they should disclose to a (potential) partner that they're infected (*clears throat*) IF AT ALL.

    Think about that.

    People who have HIV/AIDS are still PEOPLE who have needs and desires. Who wants to stigmatize themselves by disclosing to others their condition? I've seen young people with dull, listless eyes, because their spirit has been killed by the awareness of their condition. I've seen others who were strong-spirited, determined to fight, AND WIN. I am aware that some treatments are so effective that the virus is undetectable in their bloodstream.


    People can be infected with HIV and still have a negative blood test, because the levels of the virus in their blood are too low for detection.

    WAKE UP, Somebody! Can I get an "Amen"?

    Then you have issues with different strains of the virus, which means that even two HIV positive people shouldn't necessarily have unprotected sex, lest one of them infect the other with a more resistant version of the virus. And, people immigrating from other countries sometimes bring varieties of the virus that aren't prevalent in this country. So, we may or may not have treatments that effectively address them. The bottom line is that you have to look out for yourself. You're only as safe as the choices you make, the choices your partner makes, and the choices their partner(s) make. THIS ISN'T A GAME.

    The other day, I sat down and overheard two healthcare professionals saying that 30% of the U.S. population has herpes (something else you can't get rid of), and many people don't know they have it. I didn't verify that figure, but I can believe it.

    My advice to people today is to stop admiring/financing/and trying to emulate K*m K and other modern day "hookers who aren't hookers" (HWAH). These people always present the "glamorous face" of promiscuous lifestyles. If they were diseased, DO YOU THINK THEY'D TELL YOU? Um…NO. That would in all likelihood negatively impact their "bottom line". And, their "bottom line" is what they care about….NOT YOU.

    Anyway, thanks for the links, Faith. It's good to be able to connect to viable sources of information.

    Oh, so I STRONGLY support people "coming out of the closet" about their lifestyle practices. We need to be as informed as we possibly can, so that we can make the best/healthiest decisions for our own lives.

    1. ".. I've seen people of all socioeconomic/educational classes and racial/religious backgrounds inflicted with the virus. I've seen the young, "pretty" single moms. YES. HIV/AIDS comes in "pretty packages". I've seen the married couples. I've seen the 50+ crowd. I've seen the hostess at your local entertainment spot. I've seen the strong, muscular (built like a hockey/baseball player), clean cut, HANDSOME man with FULL BLOWN AIDS. I've seen the "personal trainer" looking types. I've seen the "pretty boys with the wavy hair", nicely attired, with well-kept fingernails.."

      ^^I will reiterate that once the government subsidies (i.e. money) runs out…this will also be a thing of the past, it will be VERY apparent who has HIV/Aids. The ravage of the disease will take away all of the "beauty".

      Frankly, it is way past time for AA BW and girls to wake up and recognize that the "life you save may be your own."

      1. Co-sign. Something else AA women need to keep in mind is that the HIV+ men who go around exposing others to HIV and/or infecting others with HIV have organized networks of supporters! For example:

        "The Sero Project is a not‐for‐profit human rights organization combating HIV‐related stigma by working to end inappropriate criminal prosecutions of people with HIV for non‐disclosure of their HIV status, potential or perceived HIV exposure or HIV transmission. The Sero Project is supported by the Elton John AIDS Foundation, Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS and the H. van Ameringen Foundation as well as many individual supporters. Special thanks to POZ Magazine, the North American regional affiliate of the Global Network of People Living with HIV/AIDS, the Positive Women’s Network, The Body and other community resources that assisted in survey promotion." http://criminalhivtransmission.blogspot.com/searc

        Meanwhile, AA women DON'T have any organized protectors! Y'all silent readers betta recognize!

        1. I can't believe some of these orgs are this misguided, but I really shouldn't be surprised at all.

      2. I hope more people become involved in this conversation. It's SO IMPORTANT. We can't afford to relinquish our bodies and health to anyone, ESPECIALLY not "Chance".

  6. Part 3
    There were some news stories about this emerging trend 8 years ago that most AAs ignored. http://jacksonville.com/tu-online/apnews/stories/

    The story starts: "CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- Jonathan Perry can understand how HIV infections have spread rapidly among the black college population. Despite common knowledge of his own HIV-positive status, men who claim to be heterosexual still seek to have unprotected sex with him. Health officials in North Carolina and across the South are disturbed by a spike in infection rates among black students more than 20 years into the AIDS epidemic. Experts attribute the rise to a potent mixture of ignorance, recklessness, homophobia and denial, and people like Perry are trying to be part of the solution."

    AA women can continue to play clueless if they want to; but they can't honestly say they haven't been warned by various BWE messengers.

    1. Good article. These guys are just SELFISH. We're living in a selfish age. I don't know what more to tell people other than, "Take care of/Look out for yourself."

  7. Part 2
    In the HBCU context, here's how this works: Gender imbalance that favors BM students at HBCUs— According to Understanding Gender at Public Historically Black Colleges and Universities: A Special Report of the Thurgood Marshall Scholarship Fund, Inc., "Females are a majority (63%) of the total number of students enrolled at the 45 public Historically Black Colleges and Universities. . . " pg. 10.

    + the resulting increased amounts of mansharing by BF students on these campuses
    + Washington, DC replacing San Francisco as an HIV/AIDs capital (so dating BM from off-campus in DC is also HIGH-risk given the epidemic conditions there)
    + the inherent homophobia of the AA community, particularly the Black South where the bulk of these HBCUs are located
    + the resulting increased closeted, "down low" behaviors by a percentage of BM students who might feel freer to self-identify as gay/bisexual if they weren't at HBCUs
    + fewer "degrees of social separation" between AA college students/graduates and HIV+ BM jailbirds and drug addicts = HBCUs becoming HIV/AIDS magnets and centers!

    1. I remember reading that post. Honestly, I don't know why BW want to move to places like DC and Atlanta. I want to run away! My kids won't be going to HBCUs.

  8. Faith,

    This is so important and necessary. I see promising young women, doing so many wonderful things associating with criminals. Someone I know is in school at night to obtain her Master's while her bf sits in Riker's Island. What do you think is going on up there?

    HIV is no joke and yet people are still not being tested, still not taking the precautionary steps. Is it really possible to love someone else that much more than yourself? Its almost inconceivable. I always say there are worst things than being single.

    Thank you for all of your work as it seems to be heeded. I have seen more and more Black women get the flee from Blackistan message. I have seen many more WM-BW and AM-BW couplings within the last few months. Both young and old. Whenever I see a young Black woman with a non-BM, I breathe a sigh of relief. I get all fuzzy inside because at least on some level, she gets it.

  9. The NAACP is 20 years too late,of which I am not surprised. I wonder if the org has similar initiatives to engage a predominately black male audience (can you detect my sarcasm?).

    A recent film that shook a lot of my friends out of the fog about this crisis was the PBS special Endgame: AIDS in Black America, which was aired a few weeks ago. One story focused on a church-going woman married to a man she met at church who was considered a 'catch' by the congregation. Soon after her marriage, she began noticing how she was becoming ill quite easily. She discovered her husband's test results a year later specifying that he was HIV positive (meaning he learned of his status around the time they were first married). She confronted him about it and he gave her some nonsense about 'not wanting to lose her.' She was tested and learned she is now HIV positive. Once you watch the video, you will note that the husband's (now ex-husband I believe) face is blurred out in all photos. I thought it was interesting how his privacy is being protected and wondered whose call was this? I fear the ex is now attending another church and this madness probably playing out all over again with another 'God-fearing' woman believing she also has a 'catch.'

    (Note: I attempted to embed the video but for some reason the function is not working in my browser. Here is the link: http://youtu.be/rGUw4uKOC6U )

    Still thinking deeply about this subject…

    1. Seriously they\’re 30 years off, but if we gave them a 5 year grace period for being a day late/a dollar short, that would still place them at 1987 when we knew it was no longer a \’gay\’ disease.

    2. What I do not understand is why this man was not charged with "attempted murder"? He knowingly gave his wife an incurable, terminal disease…..?!?! Yes, his face should have been shown to protect all other unsuspecting women.

      Bottom line, in this day and age, everyone who has had unprotected sex should be tested and their potential partner should be tested. It should be non-negotiable as this is life or death we are speaking of here.

      Now time to get real…the government is "bankrupt". In the very near future, drugs for HIV/Aids will no longer be subsidized, which means "prolonged life" will be a thing of the past or distant memory. Therefore, it is imperative that AA BW and girls take appropriate action to protect themselves as no one else will.

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