Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #17: Negotiating Potentially Deadly Waters

Read a post by a young married woman seeking advice on handling her husband and the fears regarding her pregnancy. Skip the comments (they’re idiotic), but ask yourself what red flags you immediately pick up on regarding the husband’s background.

We’ll get to the HIV conversation further into this discussion.

Here’s an excerpt:

OK, so I’ve been married for 2 and a half years, but we’re still pretty young. Hubby is 31 and I’m 25. We dated for about a year and a half before tying the knot and everything was great. I love him, but since I got pregnant things have been rocky between us but the f**** up thing is HE convinced ME to get pregnant!

He pretty much begged me to start a family and since were financially secure and have a place we own he figured what else is there to wait for. But I didn’t and still don’t feel truly ready to change my entire lifestyle. After talking to my mom, some friends and even a counselor about it I kinda felt like I was being selfish and since he’s my husband I should compromise for him.

My mom kept saying how I have such a good man, and he’s been nothing but good to me and stepped in every way by marrying me and being faithful and supporting me financially, that its the least I could do. And how she didn’t want me to end up like Jennifer Aniston. I’m regretting that compromise more and more every day.

I Regret Getting Pregnant

My observations:

– she was younger, more naive

 – she didn’t trust her instincts

 – he is a fatherless man-child who has no clue

– women having babies for males who lack parenting skills is bad idea

– ye old patriarchy, “Me Tarzan, You Jane” rearing its head

– worst case scenario – she miscarries from the stress or becomes a divorced single mother

The good thing is she’s married. As I posted on the AOFB Facebook Page last week, the OOW birth rate keeps climbing for enough white women that the TPTB has the New York Times covering it. They made sure to highlight a woman who was abandoned by a black male as well. Y’all can guess what my response to that is.

DBRs come in all races though. Here’s a potentially deadly scenario: the husband moves from immature, to unconcerned, to emotionally abusive to physically violent. Think about Scott Peterson, who was convicted of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn son, surmised by prosecutors due to “increasing debt and a desire to be single again”.

The number one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide at the hands of their spouse or partner.

I’m not trying to be alarmist, but I’m not willing to ignore crime stats and societal trends either. As a woman you must choose wisely, you must set boundaries and you must play your ‘A’ game. Life throws us plenty of curve-balls.

Hypothetically speaking what should she do? Going to a public forum shows desperation. What would you do?


I’m breaking the post into two parts as book-ends of sorts. We’re going to pick up that part of this discussion on Wednesday and I’ll add the updated commentary. Not to worry, I have Summer Fashions and a drool-worthy Hot Guys post in the queue, but after the Obama/Romney political discussion generated one of our most lively responses ever (100+ comments in a week), we need to keep up with more serious reflection so we can create the life we deserve.

***Blog Anniversary Alert!!! If you appreciate the work leave a contribution in the Tip-jar at the top right.***

As Acts of Faith In Love & Life moves into year five (5) I want to continue encouraging you to step into your prosperity and live a life of abundance. This is a secular blog, but let me assure you God wants us to work in concert with the Spirit/Universe to generate life riches. I’m talking interpersonal relationships, love of self and supportive networks. Happiness and peace of mind. And sure financial supply isn’t off the table! When we get rid of non-beneficial people, places and practices we remove all barriers. Let’s envision it and allow it to manifest in our lives.

22 Replies to “Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #17: Negotiating Potentially Deadly Waters”

  1. Hey…this is the original poster & I actually got linked here through LSA. I wanted to thank the person for recommending those blog readings to me, presumably the blog owner, and the commenters here. Some of u guys are really good at picking up small details, I am biracial but my mom is black, my dad is white but I don't know him so I consider myself a bw. U also read me right when u said I must be desperate to turn to a msg board. I just don't feel like anyone in my family or friends understand what I'm going through. Most of my friends aren't married or have children and from the outside looking in it seems like I have "everything" and am complaining over nothing. But having a baby is a big deal to me and I want to feel prepared as much as I can and these classes are important to me. When he went off like that it was a side of him I've never seen before and I was a little bit scared. I still said what I felt I needed to say, but it was almost like he wasn't himself.

    Honestly I think his mother is a part of the problem. He doesn't know his father and when he was around 5 his mom remarried and had two more kids. When she divorced 4 years later the father somehow managed to get primary custody (he was super rich) and his bro and sis only lived with them part of the time. She latched onto him and they're super close. I was recently talking to his sister after this whole incident went down and she told me that basically the mom has been bad mouthing since I got pregnant and that she doesn't really care for me, which I figured. She's basically been telling him that I'm controlling him and he needs to man up. She thinks the classes are stupid too and if I don't know the stuff the class won't help. She said that parenting class is white ppl stuff and if he married a "real" bw she would be happy to have his baby and wouldn't make him jump through hoops.
    This situation is killing me and I'm not sure what to do. I want things to work but I can't put up with him being unsupportive and listening to his meddling mother. I'm not sure if she feels jealous or what, but she's never come in between us this before. I don't know what I should do. But I do appreciate all the advice, I just wanted to clarify. It's hard to share with some ppl in my life cuz they just don't get it.

    1. Hi, Mrs. Regretful and thank you for commenting here. I saw your post and really wanted to be able to reach out to you after determining if you were a) a real person b) willing to apply good advice. And I really want to be careful here because this is a PUBLIC forum. Firstly, I and the readers want you to know you're not crazy or mistaken. And you're not alone. I was genuinely concerned about you, which is why I linked to your LSA post. Please understand our analysis of your and your husband's racial makeup had everything to do with perspective. I actively encourage IRR(interracial) relationships for black women (BW) all the time…but as you can see from the title of the series, a woman MUST know what to look for and what to avoid so she chooses a QUALITY mate. No one can tell you what to do, but quite frankly everyone here agrees your husband will not be willing or able to fulfill his responsibilities to PROTECT, PROBLEM-SOLVE or PRODUCE. And while income and home ownership is great, PROVIDING emotional support and being devoted is just as important. If I may suggest, I'd advise you to have emergency funds (CASH or things you can get cash for) ready now to protect yourself. Consult a divorce attorney. See a common sense PhD level therapist with some experience with domestic violence. Make an exit plan. Don't tell ANYONE in your life. Sorry, but everyone is suspect. You need the element of surprise on your side. Use this forum as a 3rd party sounding board if you have to. Stay off LSA!!! If you ever think you're in danger -- LEAVE. Don't argue. Just walk away. You have a daughter to protect now. Be very glad you found out now, how he is but don't think he'll "act right" one day. You can't change him. You can only change yourself. Go through the archives. Get your mind right. God has got you!!!! Go on and live the rest of your life, wiser and more fulfilled than ever.

    2. I just wanted to be clear about the following. I’m not advocating for abortion or even hinting that you should consider it in this case. I was just trying to consider your feelings about not wanting a baby at this time. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. I would encourage you to avoid having another baby with him anytime soon (read 5 years or even more). He doesn’t sound like he’s going to be as involved and committed as you like. So, I would encourage you NOT to compound your troubles.

      You have my empathy.

  2. I also meant to add that in the HIV graphic, my takeaway is that the NAACP, by targeting the black church, fully intends to harness the energy of AA women in the fight against HIV/AIDS.

  3. In her post, she called him a ninja, so I thought it was an AA couple. Anyway, I agree with Khadija. Rest up and prepare and then jet when the time is right. Hubby has no role model for being a husband and father. Now that the baby is on the way, and he's got a peek at the commitment required, he wants to back out. Dump him.

  4. I downloaded the speech "Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice" by Dennis Kimbro (I also own the book). In the speech he mentions that most millionaires don't find their dream until age 45 and don't become millionaires until age 54. He said they usually try 17 different endeavors until they achieve success with the 18th. Most drive a car that is at least 5 years old, and very few wear suits that cost more than $400. He also spoke of "dream stealers". He authored another book "What Makes the Great Great" in which he summarized what he learned from many (over 100, I believe) successful blacks regarding what it takes to achieve success. It's a highly inspirational speech.

    I also downloaded the original "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. I've started listening to it as I travel back and forth to work. (Just don't have much time to read the physical book, these days.) I'm expecting to learn a lot from it as well. Years ago, I found "The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People" to be very beneficial. I'm thinking of revisiting it. It always helps me get my bearings.

    I've found that it's important to make sure you not only prepare yourself through education and work but also putting yourself in the company of people who will nurture your aspirations and help you grow. We should never underestimate the power of "energy" that exists outside of the physical realm.

    1. I was thinking about doing a type of Mastermind group of people who were interested in studying Napoleon Hill.

      1. That’s cool. I’d be interested in learning more. I first heard of the “Mastermind” concept yesterday. So, I’ve got lots to learn still.

  5. I'm tired just READING this. She's DEFINITELY got to be tired, LIVING IT. (Sheesh! It doesn't take much for me to become "exhausted", these days. Lol!)

    This whole situation is a mess. He's not interested in being a father. He just wants to see her doing what she is "supposed" to do for him (being his wife and running herself ragged chasing after his kids). Hate to say it, but a large portion of black males aren't "father" material and never will be. If she decided to get an abortion, my "conservative self" would lend her my support, afterwards. But, that won't happen, because her mother and everyone else will guilt trip her beyond all reason. So, unless she has a miscarriage, she's having a baby. I agree that even in marriage, she's going to be the equivalent of a single mom. I want BW to stop giving descendants to people who are unworthy of them. Let these irresponsible people "die off". If I were her, I would be afraid to have a son lest he turn out like his father. The problem with black males who grow up with hard-working single mothers is that instead of seeing the injustice in their mother's situation, they develop the mindset that that is "just what a woman/mother is 'supposed' to do". So, they have no problems placing such unfair burdens on the future mothers of their children.

    Not playing that role. No Thanks.

  6. I co-sign with Khadija, there is nothing to salvage with the husband and she must prepare her escape route. It cannot be stressed enough but for any future potential mates, proper vetting must be done to avoid these types of traps.

    1. It's better for her to reclaim her power NOW. If the husband PROVES himself worthy she can consider having a relationship with him. That's a big IF though!!!!

      1. I would agree if there was not already an indication that her pregnancy is not going smoothly. To try to get him to "man up" while trying to stay healthy to ensure the health of her unborn child is a quite a bit to deal with. The problem I see here is that this guy does not appear to share her basic values and there is very little she can do if that is the case. She would be better served to consolidate her resources (financial as well as mental and physical health) and prepare for the next phase of her life.

  7. Of course I made the mistake of reading some of the comments. blech!

    I suppose its too late to go into Monday morning quarterback mode so this young lady may need to start making contingency plans (in secret, she does not her mom, her friends or whoever else giving her any more guilt trips!) for her life if the husband begins to go off kilter again. The spotting issue has scared him straight for now but how long will that last is anybody's guess.

    My idealistic self hopes that the husband would agree to go to couples counseling (by a licensed family therapist, not Pastor So-n-So) but based on her situation, it does not seem like he will consider it.

    My over analytic self goes into hyperdrive when reading these types of stories and wonder if the situation is worse off than she is telling because she did decide to make this very personal issue public. Attempting to crowdsource a solution to her marital issues on LipStick Alley is serious. It is clear she wants to believe the husband wants to be a better partner but she cannot disregard the behavior she has witnessed.

    This lady's story is quite sobering, for she did everything right and still ends up in a crapstorm.

    1. The question is, did she do everything right? He's a fatherless male. Income alone doesn't make a man husband material. Plus he's older and manipulated her. You know how slick some guys can be. She has less dating experience and may be old-fashioned but not shrewd enough to understand boundaries. Her mother certainly didn't teach her how to vet men. Where's her male role model?

  8. Short answer—IMHO,She needs to:

    (1) be still for now (to protect her and her unborn baby's health);
    (2) stop arguing with that negro (because it's pointless and potentially physically dangerous);
    (3) gather her strength, and silently prepare to do a "Katie Holmes"-type stealth divorce after she's had the baby and has had time to prepare for the divorce mentally, financially (by going back to work), etc.

    Because the negro she married is not going to change for the better after she has this baby (or future babies by him). Regardless of what she chooses to do (stay in that marriage or leave it), she's going to be living like a single mother after she has the baby.

    1. I would like to state for the record I have no idea the race or ethnicity of this couple. If I was going to guess, I think it might be an IRR couple -- most likely a WW/BM combo. I must confess, Katie Holmes pulled a coup and kept the kid! I am very curious what embarrassing info she had possession of to secure the quickest divorce settlement in history. NOBODY comes to terms in 11 days -- not even with a pre-nup.

      I agree this young woman doesn't know how to 'wrangle' her husband. Nor should she have to. She needs to get out and not fall into complacency. His next blow-up could be the end of her.

      1. My bad for making the assumption that this husband is an AA male, and this is an AA couple. {smile} I did so because this sorry episode reads like it, based on various word choices and statements the woman quoted from her husband. For examples:

        "Then the next week were supposed to go and do two back to back, but he's like omg my friend at work got a dope promotional deal for prospective members to a golf course that has a great green and I really wanna go can we push it back again"

        ". . . My mother raised me just fine without parenting classes OR a husband so u should be happy I went to the ones I went to." I'll note that I've only heard AA males speak as if being raised (fatherless) by a single mother was a-okay and dandy, and had no negative impact on their experiences while growing up as a man. What I've seen is that non-AA men who were unfortunate enough to grow up fatherless give credit to their mothers, but they don't speak as if being raised fatherless was "just fine."

        1. Sleuthing as always, eh Khadija? I hope people felt my sarcasm across the web. Lipstick Alley is a predominently black-oriented gossip site for those who didn't know. For some reason -- probably the Jennifer Aniston reference -- I'm thinking the wife is not black. But she could be the bi-racial child of a white mother. Since most BM don't marry -- anyone -- I've pretty much ruled out the wife being a BW. But she is definitely married to a DBR.

      2. About Katie Holmes: She definitely must have had some nuclear-grade embarrassing info about Tom Cruise. But that episode was also yet another reminder of how important it is to have a real, legitimate father. Ms. Holmes' father (who is a lawyer) apparently played a key role in planning and coordinating her escape from Tom Cruise and his alleged cult.

        Real daddies come in handy throughout one's lifetime! Especially during emergencies related to their daughters choosing the wrong man for marriage and/or childbearing.

        1. Fathers matter. Katie wasn't going to be blind-sided the way Nicole Kidman was and ended her contract earlier than expected.

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