Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #17: Negotiating Potentially Deadly Waters

Read a post by a young married woman seeking advice on handling her husband and the fears regarding her pregnancy. Skip the comments (they’re idiotic), but ask yourself what red flags you immediately pick up on regarding the husband’s background.

We’ll get to the HIV conversation further into this discussion.

Here’s an excerpt:

OK, so I’ve been married for 2 and a half years, but we’re still pretty young. Hubby is 31 and I’m 25. We dated for about a year and a half before tying the knot and everything was great. I love him, but since I got pregnant things have been rocky between us but the f**** up thing is HE convinced ME to get pregnant!

He pretty much begged me to start a family and since were financially secure and have a place we own he figured what else is there to wait for. But I didn’t and still don’t feel truly ready to change my entire lifestyle. After talking to my mom, some friends and even a counselor about it I kinda felt like I was being selfish and since he’s my husband I should compromise for him.

My mom kept saying how I have such a good man, and he’s been nothing but good to me and stepped in every way by marrying me and being faithful and supporting me financially, that its the least I could do. And how she didn’t want me to end up like Jennifer Aniston. I’m regretting that compromise more and more every day.

I Regret Getting Pregnant

My observations:

– she was younger, more naive

 – she didn’t trust her instincts

 – he is a fatherless man-child who has no clue

– women having babies for males who lack parenting skills is bad idea

– ye old patriarchy, “Me Tarzan, You Jane” rearing its head

– worst case scenario – she miscarries from the stress or becomes a divorced single mother

The good thing is she’s married. As I posted on the AOFB Facebook Page last week, the OOW birth rate keeps climbing for enough white women that the TPTB has the New York Times covering it. They made sure to highlight a woman who was abandoned by a black male as well. Y’all can guess what my response to that is.

DBRs come in all races though. Here’s a potentially deadly scenario: the husband moves from immature, to unconcerned, to emotionally abusive to physically violent. Think about Scott Peterson, who was convicted of murdering his wife Laci and their unborn son, surmised by prosecutors due to “increasing debt and a desire to be single again”.

The number one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide at the hands of their spouse or partner.

I’m not trying to be alarmist, but I’m not willing to ignore crime stats and societal trends either. As a woman you must choose wisely, you must set boundaries and you must play your ‘A’ game. Life throws us plenty of curve-balls.

Hypothetically speaking what should she do? Going to a public forum shows desperation. What would you do?


I’m breaking the post into two parts as book-ends of sorts. We’re going to pick up that part of this discussion on Wednesday and I’ll add the updated commentary. Not to worry, I have Summer Fashions and a drool-worthy Hot Guys post in the queue, but after the Obama/Romney political discussion generated one of our most lively responses ever (100+ comments in a week), we need to keep up with more serious reflection so we can create the life we deserve.

***Blog Anniversary Alert!!! If you appreciate the work leave a contribution in the Tip-jar at the top right.***

As Acts of Faith In Love & Life moves into year five (5) I want to continue encouraging you to step into your prosperity and live a life of abundance. This is a secular blog, but let me assure you God wants us to work in concert with the Spirit/Universe to generate life riches. I’m talking interpersonal relationships, love of self and supportive networks. Happiness and peace of mind. And sure financial supply isn’t off the table! When we get rid of non-beneficial people, places and practices we remove all barriers. Let’s envision it and allow it to manifest in our lives.

22 comments to Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #17: Negotiating Potentially Deadly Waters

  • Mrs. Regretful

    Hey…this is the original poster & I actually got linked here through LSA. I wanted to thank the person for recommending those blog readings to me, presumably the blog owner, and the commenters here. Some of u guys are really good at picking up small details, I am biracial but my mom is black, my dad is white but I don't know him so I consider myself a bw. U also read me right when u said I must be desperate to turn to a msg board. I just don't feel like anyone in my family or friends understand what I'm going through. Most of my friends aren't married or have children and from the outside looking in it seems like I have "everything" and am complaining over nothing. But having a baby is a big deal to me and I want to feel prepared as much as I can and these classes are important to me. When he went off like that it was a side of him I've never seen before and I was a little bit scared. I still said what I felt I needed to say, but it was almost like he wasn't himself.

    Honestly I think his mother is a part of the problem. He doesn't know his father and when he was around 5 his mom remarried and had two more kids. When she divorced 4 years later the father somehow managed to get primary custody (he was super rich) and his bro and sis only lived with them part of the time. She latched onto him and they're super close. I was recently talking to his sister after this whole incident went down and she told me that basically the mom has been bad mouthing since I got pregnant and that she doesn't really care for me, which I figured. She's basically been telling him that I'm controlling him and he needs to man up. She thinks the classes are stupid too and if I don't know the stuff the class won't help. She said that parenting class is white ppl stuff and if he married a "real" bw she would be happy to have his baby and wouldn't make him jump through hoops.
    This situation is killing me and I'm not sure what to do. I want things to work but I can't put up with him being unsupportive and listening to his meddling mother. I'm not sure if she feels jealous or what, but she's never come in between us this before. I don't know what I should do. But I do appreciate all the advice, I just wanted to clarify. It's hard to share with some ppl in my life cuz they just don't get it.

  • shocol

    I also meant to add that in the HIV graphic, my takeaway is that the NAACP, by targeting the black church, fully intends to harness the energy of AA women in the fight against HIV/AIDS.

  • shocol

    In her post, she called him a ninja, so I thought it was an AA couple. Anyway, I agree with Khadija. Rest up and prepare and then jet when the time is right. Hubby has no role model for being a husband and father. Now that the baby is on the way, and he's got a peek at the commitment required, he wants to back out. Dump him.

  • Formavitae

    I downloaded the speech "Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice" by Dennis Kimbro (I also own the book). In the speech he mentions that most millionaires don't find their dream until age 45 and don't become millionaires until age 54. He said they usually try 17 different endeavors until they achieve success with the 18th. Most drive a car that is at least 5 years old, and very few wear suits that cost more than $400. He also spoke of "dream stealers". He authored another book "What Makes the Great Great" in which he summarized what he learned from many (over 100, I believe) successful blacks regarding what it takes to achieve success. It's a highly inspirational speech.

    I also downloaded the original "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. I've started listening to it as I travel back and forth to work. (Just don't have much time to read the physical book, these days.) I'm expecting to learn a lot from it as well. Years ago, I found "The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People" to be very beneficial. I'm thinking of revisiting it. It always helps me get my bearings.

    I've found that it's important to make sure you not only prepare yourself through education and work but also putting yourself in the company of people who will nurture your aspirations and help you grow. We should never underestimate the power of "energy" that exists outside of the physical realm.

  • Formavitae

    I'm tired just READING this. She's DEFINITELY got to be tired, LIVING IT. (Sheesh! It doesn't take much for me to become "exhausted", these days. Lol!)

    This whole situation is a mess. He's not interested in being a father. He just wants to see her doing what she is "supposed" to do for him (being his wife and running herself ragged chasing after his kids). Hate to say it, but a large portion of black males aren't "father" material and never will be. If she decided to get an abortion, my "conservative self" would lend her my support, afterwards. But, that won't happen, because her mother and everyone else will guilt trip her beyond all reason. So, unless she has a miscarriage, she's having a baby. I agree that even in marriage, she's going to be the equivalent of a single mom. I want BW to stop giving descendants to people who are unworthy of them. Let these irresponsible people "die off". If I were her, I would be afraid to have a son lest he turn out like his father. The problem with black males who grow up with hard-working single mothers is that instead of seeing the injustice in their mother's situation, they develop the mindset that that is "just what a woman/mother is 'supposed' to do". So, they have no problems placing such unfair burdens on the future mothers of their children.

    Not playing that role. No Thanks.

  • Karen

    I co-sign with Khadija, there is nothing to salvage with the husband and she must prepare her escape route. It cannot be stressed enough but for any future potential mates, proper vetting must be done to avoid these types of traps.

  • Vanessa F.

    Of course I made the mistake of reading some of the comments. blech!

    I suppose its too late to go into Monday morning quarterback mode so this young lady may need to start making contingency plans (in secret, she does not her mom, her friends or whoever else giving her any more guilt trips!) for her life if the husband begins to go off kilter again. The spotting issue has scared him straight for now but how long will that last is anybody's guess.

    My idealistic self hopes that the husband would agree to go to couples counseling (by a licensed family therapist, not Pastor So-n-So) but based on her situation, it does not seem like he will consider it.

    My over analytic self goes into hyperdrive when reading these types of stories and wonder if the situation is worse off than she is telling because she did decide to make this very personal issue public. Attempting to crowdsource a solution to her marital issues on LipStick Alley is serious. It is clear she wants to believe the husband wants to be a better partner but she cannot disregard the behavior she has witnessed.

    This lady's story is quite sobering, for she did everything right and still ends up in a crapstorm.

  • Short answer—IMHO,She needs to:

    (1) be still for now (to protect her and her unborn baby's health);
    (2) stop arguing with that negro (because it's pointless and potentially physically dangerous);
    (3) gather her strength, and silently prepare to do a "Katie Holmes"-type stealth divorce after she's had the baby and has had time to prepare for the divorce mentally, financially (by going back to work), etc.

    Because the negro she married is not going to change for the better after she has this baby (or future babies by him). Regardless of what she chooses to do (stay in that marriage or leave it), she's going to be living like a single mother after she has the baby.

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