Every woman should know how to flirt and coo like hummingbird with functioning men regardless of her sexual orientation. A man appreciates being reminded of his masculinity – regardless of his sexual orientation. We’re all drawn to happy, confident and smiling people. Honing a witty repartee is a highly valuable skill.
This not only benefits a woman seeking romantic connections. It helps in finding mentors and developing valuable business alliances. A man can still be in a committed relationship but serve as a key ally helping you. Men want to feel their significance and where the politicization of feminism stumbles is in pushing women to view them as inadequate or combatants across the board. This attitude posits women prettify themselves out of weakness in deference to patriarchy, when the opposite is true.
We discussed finding the joys of Being A Girl in an earlier post, so let’s continue the conversation. Having the confidence to be more feminine takes strength of character. Embracing your w.o.m.a.n. – as classy, engaging and mysterious works to your advantage.
This Is Your Life
You are worthy of every good thing out there. The value you have for yourself is reflected in the standards you set and who you allow in your life. That’s for each person to decide. We can weigh pros and cons or compare the differences in perspective. Ultimately you will live with the people, places and practices you say yes to.
Being a work-in-progress is human. If you’re satisfied with a higher focus on work, if you find being overweight, never-married, single-parenting or save the community Mammy-dom acceptable then don’t get upset if most other women (and more and more black women) in the world reject that. It’s a competitive world and women are positioning themselves to be global contenders. Everyone isn’t willing or able to do that.
It doesn’t mean you’re less than worthy or you should run and hide under a rock. That type of defensive reaction is ego-oriented instead of humility-based. It means being present, taking responsibility and looking ahead. If you’re going to the doctor regularly then you should know what you need to do to maintain optimal health.
Dating, Mating & Relating
As far as meeting men goes as a woman in a patriarchal world, it benefits you to be with a higher functioning, higher achieving man who’s devoted to you. Women tend to be more forgiving when it comes to a man’s appearance, but I don’t appreciate the schlub getting the babe. Let’s be honest – the reverse doesn’t happen often. That doesn’t negate exceptions. Nor does that require limitations.
Women are the prize and men need to be held to HIGH standards. It’s extremely difficult to do that if you’re not comfortable with yourself and don’t negotiate boundaries well. Just like there’s a difference between an admiring glance, a predatory stare, gentlemanly behavior and being man-handled. Biologically speaking women are drawn to certain physical traits like height, jaw line and the way a man carries himself. There’s a lot more social fluidity for women these days and we should use our advantage for advancement.
Self-esteem is tied to our self-image. We’re not solely dependent on our physicality. What we think is a big part of our appeal. It’s why we have to guard our minds against poisonous messaging and lack/limitations. Self-acceptance leads to self-improvement when we dump the ‘struggle’ mentality. Beginning each day with the “Mirroring” exercise is so important!
Many people still expect BW to focus the bulk of their time, energy and resources saving black people. Don’t be hoodwinked! Underlying resentment toward those of us urging BW to get out of Blackistan, away from non-beneficial people, places and practices exists, but it doesn’t hold any power unless we agree to it!
I wonder how many of those types of women have seriously dated a series of wonderful men, with subsequent marriage proposals they’ve turned down in favor of even better options or an all-hallowed freedom. Or are they lying to themselves?
One of those reality “Housewives” shows has a group of BW whose relationships exemplify what happens when you settle. They’re the main breadwinners and caretakers. Compared to the white women who was a mistress to one man and when she decided to stop doing Ho S**t quickly married a younger guy who seems quite eager to provide for her and her children from an earlier marriage. There are always exceptions but we’re focused on targeting the best options in the least amount of time.
You will often have to do the opposite of what you’re seeing if your reference point is Blackistan. Like those who selectively choose their outrage – be it over the burdens and habits that encourage excess weight – or focusing on oppression. Nobody gives you power – it’s something you assert for yourselves. The success of the BWE social justice movement lies in the fact random BW who may not even be visiting our forums regularly or freely support our message have still been influenced enough to start rethinking long-held beliefs reinforced by indoctrination.
This is why we’ve discussed the theme of what it means to be elite. It’s a process and we’re all not on the same path or coming from the same place. This is about where you want to be. How you see yourself. How our discussions encourage being expansive in (re)defining this. It has to lie beyond the physical and mental walls of Blackistan. Where we allow the black ‘other’ to be our sole representation, where we blame external forces. Where we feed ourselves and other black women to the wolves but wonder why others don’t respect us.
Some people have mentioned BW victims of crimes in an attempt to appear more balanced to their near total focus on the Martin/Zimmerman conflict, but it feels like a stop-gap measure to deflect their main crusade of promoting black males in particular and patriarchy as a whole. Especially when a repeat BW-basher and CNN host pull a whose &*@% is bigger attention-grabbing interview contest to argue about coverage of this case.
This is nothing new of course. Pointing out glaring discrepancies so you can do a U-Turn away from them is a running theme of this forum. I think we’ve been retreading issues that show most BW deeply resistant to or not ready for Prime Time in putting their own interests first – especially when we see how everybody else is out to get theirs.
Has it occurred to some of you the reason why younger, thinner white women are so heavily promoted with subsequent pressure on individuals to conform? This while a much higher percentage are overweight – but still living a higher quality of life overall than their BW counterparts? Their collective image is still cultivated and protected.
Black women can never rely on any external group to put their elevation ahead of their own. Even if someone attempted to they’d reject it if it didn’t include the ‘saving the black community’ agenda first. WW as a collective would really have something to complain about then! And of course we’ve seen too many examples of how the idea of black community became synonymous with black males exclusively.
This is heresy to many. Only until it isn’t. Every woman deserves a full life. Every woman will have to decide for herself what that means and do the work to achieve it, but there are noticeable and measurable tiers. There are already numerous BW around the world living well. You don’t have to explain the value in this to the emigre population who moved to the US for greater opportunities. You don’t have to explain this to the ex-pat citizens who’ve made new homes in foreign lands. It’s African-American women who choose Blackistan that are most resistant to change.
Forging A New Path
This is where a few ordinary women became vessels for a message whose impact has caused a big enough [even if unacknowledged or unappreciated] ripple effect to not go unnoticed. This life-saving exchange of information has permeated through enough barriers that women who question the status quo can readily find and apply it. We were not meant to continually beat the drum, talk about dysfunctional behavior, wait for black men to step up/love us, only blame white (male) racism or try to convince other black women to value themselves.
Other groups of women (including many non-AA BW) are using their physical and intellectual assets to create a brighter future. If more BW had higher standards they wouldn’t accept any moldy crumbs from black men (or any man). Arguing against changes the relative few who date interracially make to position themselves for marriage with a better pool of men is beyond ridiculous!
Just like some women choose to stay in relationships where they’re drowning, I can’t understand why they wouldn’t choose to fly. So many women identify with the misogyny they claim to oppose. When you add ethnic, racial and social class concerns to the mix “natural selection” makes promotion and preservation of your “tribe” a necessity.
The matriarchs have already sacrificed so we would be free to live well. There’s nothing stopping any woman except her support of harmful people, places or practices. As we’ve noted repeatedly every black woman with a blog does not share the same outlook or agenda. It’s ultimately your call whether you will create effective life strategies that give you the highest yield. The legacy of that choice and its impact will continue to be felt for generations to come.
Seeing famous chanteuse Edith Piaf on the Harlotography list at The Honest Courtesan definitely gave me pause! Some things in society have been in existence forever. Since that isn’t likely to change – ever – women who occupy those spaces should make the most of it.
At the other end of the Madonna/Whore spectrum I wonder if implementing empowerment lies between the lines and those cunning enough to straddle them. It’s what Sir Guy at What Women Never Hear refers to as a woman’s natural ‘hard-headedness’ we can use in navigating relationships. I’m not a mother (yet???) but reading this motherhood post at Rockstar Diaries encapsulates a favorable position for women being protected and provided for when we’ve planned a future that works for us.