Do You Enjoy Being A “Girl”?

Reading Melina’s work on deploying womanly arts has truly transformed my life. My journey began with her blog, “The Art Of Being Feminine” and continues with her premium site “Feminissima“. To say it was an eye-opener is an understatement. Where some women may be offended (???), I see the promise of a return to what makes us unique and powerful. It takes confidence to rely on our instincts and not let societal pressures, external agendas or inner doubts override what we know to be inherently true about ourselves.

Black women in particular have been maligned or bought into a distorted outlook of themselves. We need to stop being martyrs and fulfill our destinies. Every woman as an individual has her own particular set of strengths she should become familiar with and utilize.

Patriarchy has it’s benefits and disadvantages – for both genders in fact. While women have successfully reshaped society to be more favorable from a political perspective, there has been a communication breakdown between men and women. People don’t understand their roles within personal relationships anymore. Women began to act like men in adopting some of the same traits that caused such an uproar to begin with. In turn men have been allowed to stop being the providers, protectors, problem-solvers and producers that give them their sense of purpose.

It’s time to reclaim W.O.M.A.N. Being a woman doesn’t automatically make you a damsel in distress any more than it does being a ball-buster. We must sometimes walk a fine line between outside expectations and inner perspectives in figuring out what where that balance lies.

This is still a patriarchal society. We can take comfort in knowing that instead of trying to wrest control from men we can instead return to shaping and influencing its direction and scope — and real men will gladly step forward to meet our needs. We can still achieve our goals and do so with a capable and willing partner or advocate working on our behalf. This is why we need to continue making patriarchy work for us instead of fighting to dismantle it.

Just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should or have to. If it’s in a cat’s nature to kill things and bring them home do we want to declaw and entrap our furry friend? How much happier that cat is when it can roam free. It’s still domesticated afterall! If we don’t want to be trapped in a gilded cage (from exercising our “freedoms” that come back to bite us in the you know what) or denigrated — why do we insist on trying to push the unnatural roles on men to be more like women? If I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman I’d be a lesbian!

Now, I am of course talking about well-adjusted men who are fulfilling their duty (or willing to make necessary adjustments), not males who hide under women’s skirts, are jealous of or in pursuit of undermining them. Misogynists and man-children need not apply!

Tapping into or regaining your strength in character to be a lady with goals, a sense of purpose and deploying solid boundaries makes us reliable, emotionally stable and ultimately formidable. People with values will be drawn to us and coupling this with a sense of adventure has the makings for a remarkable life. Those women who have captured their essence are happier and ultimately lead more satisfactory lives than those who remain mired n controversy and denial.

We need to seriously examine what legacy we leave behind and whether we’re adding to society or draining precious resources. Let’s make a decision today to help create a better world by the time we depart this mortal coil.

19 Replies to “Do You Enjoy Being A “Girl”?”

  1. always keep the faith because dont let nobody take it from you my sister always tell to believe in myself and follow my heart and my dreams.

  2. On the road to re-feminization, I've enrolled in a belly dance class and highly recommend it. Indulge in the feminine arts!

  3. Fantastic post Faith! Melina's work is great, but I REALLY enjoy What Women Never Hear, Guy breaks it ALLLLLLLL down. These blogs and a few others have definately helped me to "refeminize" myself, and let me tell you, men respond like pavlov's dog to it. It's awesome!

    1. I appreciate the site always keeping in mind to take it all with a grain of salt. I know a lot off readers didn’t like Guy Jr.’s relationship tales.

      1. I appreciate the referrals to relevant sites. Blogs can sometimes serve as substitutes for books we have difficulty finding time to read. Thank you for taking the time to do fact-finding and info-sharing with us.

  4. As black women, we are valued by others because we are capable, strong, and independent, which is why so many of us strive to be the best providers, producers, and problem solvers that we can be. In addition, other women are upheld as the beauty ideal in the media. The message is that black women/girls are meant to work and that other women are to be admired and doted on. Growing up, I bought into this line of thinking. I thought that women who emphasized their femininity were weak and used their looks as a crutch because they lacked the intellect and work ethic necessary to make it in the real world. I now realize that for women learning how to use your femininity to your advantage is just as important and beneficial as getting a degree or a good paying job. I don't think that I need to list the various women who have used their femininity and looks to guarantee their future. I already know of a few acquaintances who are contemplating becoming SAHMs or working part-time after only working 3-4 yrs after college. These girls aren't dunces. They made good grades in "hard" majors and could have successful careers, but they are choosing not to go that route. They have the option of not devoting 10-15 yrs of their life to a company because they made sure to get their MRS along with their BS, BA, MS, etc. I'm not discounting hard work because I've put in the time and effort to further my education and career. However, I am going to pay more attention to my attitude, clothes, and makeup than I have before and work on embracing my femininity. My work ethic and intelligence may get me a raise at work, but my femininity is what is going to get me a date and hopefully a proposal.

    1. If more women adopt this line of thinking they'll actually increase their odds for a higher caliber life exponentially

    2. First, I would like to APPLAUD you on your accomplishments and work ethic. They are qualities of which you should be proud! I agree that as BW who come from competent, hard-working, and thriving mothers/grandmothers/aunts, we are often taught to focus on being intelligent, self-sufficient, and substantive more than focusing on our looks--ESPECIALLY, if we come from highly religious backgrounds. We are encouraged to put the opposite sex out of our minds (at least I was) until we established ourselves and accomplished our goals. Other groups of women are socialized very differently, and they are encouraged to harness their femininity and ability to attract the opposite sex. It's even ENCOURAGED.

      We BW have so many challenges that cause us to downplay our identity as women. Many of us do so as a survival mechanism. It's very unfortunate. Thank goodness we are young enough to see differently, change our minds and ways, and lead our future daughters into a different direction.

      It's SO easy for us to play "the role". Just tonight, I was disposing of a piece of furniture I no longer want in my home. My neighbor (a WM) and his family just returned home. He didn't see what I was doing, but he asked me if I needed some help. I told him, "That's alright. I'm fine. Thanks." Now, I was planning to use the grass in my yard to make the transfer smoother. And, I WAS able to successfully dispose of the furniture on my own. However, I am in the habit of constantly turning down assistance that is offered to me, because I don't want to be a burden to others. It was very kind of my neighbor to offer to help. I need to learn to accept help, even if I can manage on my own, just to reaffirm my womanhood and right to support. MOST BW DO. This neighbor has been considerate in many ways. I've noticed him noticing who's on my property, when I've been entering the side door. I really appreciate that, because I live alone, and it's nice to know that someone is noticing/considering my welfare. He isn't inappropriate. He and his wife are happily married. They have a beautiful family. But, just his consideration alone makes me sometimes feel I would like a white husband TOO (I prefer white and Asian men).

      Contrast this with a BM neighbor I had. He was a good man and responsible father. However, he sometimes didn't seem to be very considerate of me as a single woman living alone. He and his household members owned several cars. Instead of parking 1 or 2 cars on the street and finding another location for the rest, his household would often use my parking spot for convenience. They wouldn't take other neighbors' spots. Just mine. Anyway, that created a (potential) hardship for me, because I would have to park several houses down the street from my own home. And, I frequently work nonstandard hours. So, I often leave before people are up, and I return home after they've already turned in for the evening. Furthermore, I have to carry groceries, books, and other items, by myself. AND, I live on a small hill. So, how do you think I felt having to park several houses away, at odd hours of the night, carrying several bags of groceries (possibly needing to make multiple trips to my car), walking up a small hill, while everyone else is safely in their homes unaware of my activity, JUST so that his household can park 4ish cars on the street conveniently. AND, I ONLY OWN ONE VEHICLE. Furthermore, my family OWNS this property. I am not a renter. 1-2 of the neighborhood parking spaces are JUSTLY mine. After talking with him a couple of times, they finally stopped. But, WHY didn't these factors and my needs as a single woman ever register in his mind? Shouldn't a man be teaching his sons to have consideration for women? Especially women in their own ethnic group? I've never had this problem with my white neighbors. And, THEY'VE never had this problem WITH HIM.

      Anyway, we BW DO need to embrace our femininity and allow ourselves to comfortably enjoy the associated benefits, WITHOUT GUILT.

      1. Sounds like you resolved things successfully. People have to be reminded of things from time to time. It's good to assert yourself with decorum.

  5. First, I'd like to say, I LOVE being a woman. But, even I've noticed ways in which I've gotten out of touch with my femininity. I've been so focused on school, work, and practicality, that I neglected the "finishing touches" that highlight my womanhood. My wardrobe is practical, dutiful, and appropriate. I have SOME feminizing items like lovely scarves, broaches, heels, dresses, etc., however I rarely wear them. At the university, I focused on looking "professional"--pants, dress coats, etc. However, many of these items are masculine, even when cut for the feminine form. Now, in my current profession, I am expected to wear scrubs (ugh!). But, I've decided to incur the additional expense of purchasing scrubs that are more flattering, stylish, and feminine (to the degree that they CAN be).

    One thing is noticed is how much of a difference wearing a simple pair of stud earrings had on my appearance, when I'm working. I normally pull my hair back into a bun and wear minimal cosmetics. I look pleasant and don't make a habit of trying to draw attention to myself. However, wearing a simple pair of studs softened my appearance and made me look much prettier. (Go figure.) So, now I make it a point to wear a pair of earrings everyday. In the past, I only wore jewelry when dressing up.

    When I was an adolescent, I was MUCH more into these things. It's amazing how being "focused" can drain one's creativity and pursuits in other areas. I'm working to reverse that. I had no clue that being focused would bring me to this point. I thought I was merely making temporary "sacrifices". But, I found those "sacrifices" changed my personality over time. I'm working to "recover" myself.

    Fortunately, I have a pleasant personality, though I have become much more quiet in nature (something I have to work on). But, I've committed to refreshing and improving my etiquette and social skills. I've been losing weight and getting into shape. I completed half of the battle last year (yay!). So, I will also be focusing on rebuilding my wardrobe and enhancing my feminine beauty. "GIRL POWER" ALL THE WAY!

    1. Thank you for sharing. It's true that seemingly miniscule steps towards a goal or change in behavior can shift your entire perspective.

  6. the world was ALWAYS a 'patriarical' society. what modern feminism did, in the last 40 years was to pretend there was no difference. and the guys eventually took advantage of it (not all men) it also made black women a little harsh and develop the 'attitude' . I think we are going to see a return to more ladylike things and dress among the youth (more pastels-i'm tired of black in summer) 18-25 within the next 2 years; thats my theory

      1. If BW haven't entirely erased themselves and fed young girls to wolves, perhaps a few will emerge without psychosis, holding onto their self-pride. It isn't likely to happen in two years or two generations at this point.

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