I have to continue the conversations surrounding black women and our thought processes and how they manifest. First, I thought we’d already covered across several blogs that while ALL black males are not DBRs (damaged beyond repair) most display a certain percentage of tendencies that will send them closer to one end of the spectrum than the other. In fact, as I’m going through my blog archives I have. There has always been a subset of “professional” black males who have tried to distinguish themselves as “loving black women” or being anti-hood and safe. Often it’s because their livelihood is directly impacted by the promotion support and of black women. They know this and do not want to do anything to damage it.
Also, because I utilize social networking platforms in addition to my blogging duties I’m usually having various conversations on the side. So maybe it’s just me but I thought we’d already declared they have to prove themselves first and were not to be afforded any automatic assumptions or benefit of the doubt. Again, that could be just me.
Which is why I’ve had to fight overtime to neither hold a grudge nor assume any loyalty was forthcoming from any random black male I didn’t already personally know and had vetted. It sure made networking in DC extra difficult this year! Especially after having lived in San Francisco with a less than 3% black population which made it unlikely that I had to interact with many blacks period. I mention this because it would have been so much harder to deal with the DBR fall-out if I’d had to see a lot of black people. The smaller population afforded me some much needed space to sort things out.
Here’s a few of my experiences with some of the self-declared and automatically-assumed “Good Black Men” that I’ve had in the past year or so. Which is why I’ve severely cut back on my online interactions with those males I do not personally know. I used to directly question or make comments hoping that an open dialog would mean a reconsideration of their various non-beneficial for or anti-(black)woman behaviors, but I’ve since learned my lesson!
The DBRs and their cousins of ill-refute cannot filter their behavior under any circumstances. Be it a John Mayer-type or some other non-black male as well, eventually the lack of discipline comes out. There are a few exceptions but generally these males may have social networking profiles under the guise of professional interactions but cannot contain themselves personally. Here’s a few examples:
- A Foursquare executive publicly whined about all the money Tiger Woods was expected to pay his wife with no mention of the fact that his indiscriminate, unprotected sex could have killed her or left her with a permanent sexually transmitted infection that no amount of money would remedy. He was insistent on trying to declare his opinion as a fact and I replied that was his misogyny taking center stage.
- After a so-called media expert publicly attacked me because he was embarrassed by my statement during a Q&A session at a tech conference.
- After a gay director stopped speaking to me in online forums because one of his straight women friends got mad at me for discussing OOW more than a year before No Wedding No Womb. Of course I find it very interesting that she’s so chummy with the organizer being that she’s so opposed to the message but see what garnering attention (being in proximity to other people’s fame) does to quell dissent?
- A professor at an East Coast college contacted me to say he “liked” my writing. There was no specific post indicated. Since I was writing about something specifically related to a DBR that week I wondered why there was no pushback from him against the DBR about his behavior. Now bear in mind this media savvy but indoctrinated BW I used to converse with regularly specifically mentioned him as being a “Good Guy” which immediately made him suspect in my eyes. I told him thanks but his opinion about my blog forum was “meaningless” to me. Yes, I know I was being “harsh” (cautious really), but I immediately felt he wanted a “cookie” and I wanted some BM accountability and policing of foul behavior, not compliments without action. I don’t know, sometimes I think people reek with limited sincerity. I figured if I have to spell it out for a credentialed, highly educated bloke that he and other black males should be doing something more decisive than “conversating” what was the point for our interaction? I did take note of some seminar he put together months later that I believe was an attempt to dialog about addressing the foul behavior but as you know if we wait on these “Good Guys” for permanent change to take affect we’ll be waiting forever.
I’ll remind you readers that it was the conversation that disintegrated into madness when a BM writer who is married to a BW (still makes no difference) joined in with a morbidly obese sportswriter in ridiculing Serena Williams by calling her fat and ugly that convinced me I was still in the Matrix and had to get out.
I’d witnessed other BM objectifying her body in a demeaning way (vs. the plain ‘ol sexist, lustful way) as if to declare her sub-human. It went hand in hand with the skin shade hatred. All of this culminated as a lightbulb moment for me. When I confronted the loser about his behavior – still in shock mode at his viciousness he said I had no credibility. In order words I was also sub-human in his eyes because as a BW we have no value other than their use of our resources for their gain. Then all of the conversations Evia and other bloggers had been having about the damaged behavior, the self-hatred being manifested into acts of aggression against and apathy towards black women resonated in my gut instead of just my head.
I had intellectualized the entire premise of who and what a DBR is and how it manifests itself. These weren’t the Baby Boys or the Boys From The Hood, they were educated and “refined”. A drug dealer in a 3-piece suit. Once I realized it was all of them I was done. So the inevitable but failed con was that they were supposed to be different from “Peanut and ‘Em”, but they’re all the same. The craftier ones have been faking the funk, trying to declare themselves Grey Poupon when they’re the .59 cent mustard in a nicer package. We want to think of the exception as the norm.
And of course there are exceptions but since we’re all adults here I don’t need to make special mention of every possible caveat imaginable do I? Since we cannot dismiss everyone in every scenario we have to learn to walk stealthily among them and their enablers as well – but that’s very draining and keeping full-time distance is not always feasible.
**The flip side of the DBR-male coin are those black women who circle them, the dysfunction and are holding out for a long-broken promise who would rather destroy the BWE message of redemption and liberation than change. I think they are equally – if not more dangerous.
I may not always be successful at it but I always try to take my ego out of the equation. We have strong opinions otherwise we wouldn’t be bloggers amongst other things we’re doing in our lives.