Broke Bums Ain't Cute

I want to use a few examples from recent media chatter to discuss the perils of women giving men passes for EVERYTHING!!! Men do NOT settle! Men go after jobs and partners they don’t deserve and are unqualified for ALL THE TIME. Extreme social conditioning amongst dysfunctional blacks browbeat black women into accepting crumbs and thinking it’s a meal. Enough!

Brookings Institution study on black women marrying down [they’re mostly focused on black male partners].

There is a growing trend in the United States towards assortative mating — a clunky phrase that refers to people’s tendency to choose spouses with similar educational attainment.

A media storm erupted in the Spring of 2013 when a Princeton alum, Susan A. Patton, president of the class of ‘77, offered the following advice to female students: “Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate.” Writing in The Daily Princetonian, Patton went on: “You will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you.”

One implication of assortative mating is greater household income inequality, since education is a strong — and strengthening — predictor of earnings. Households with two college graduates multiply that earnings power by two and are doing much better than households with less-educated couples.

Race is a factor in patterns of assortative mating. Black women face more difficult “marriage markets” than white women, given current rates of intermarriage according to work from University of Maryland sociologist Philip N. Cohen. Black women have the lowest rates of “marrying out” across race lines, in part because of racist attitudes [My reply: it’s the result of strict social conditioning amongst African Americans in particular] to inter-marriage.

One of the reasons I skip over a lot of these black people gossip story items is because people almost always are acting foolishly. I saw on my feeds that actress Tia Mowry-Hardrict had posted some “stay away from my man” nonsense to actress Keke Palmer ON TWITTER of all places and then deleted it. Palmer recently completed a project with Tia’s husband, actor Cory Hardrict.

Here’s Keke’s interview on Wendy Williams were she discusses her career, current project and clarifies the matter. She’s very bubbly and friendly, though likely nervous because she was talking fast at elevated levels.

 

It was a big mistake for the 36 year old Mowry-Hardrict to show her insecurities on social media in “calling out” a 21 year old. She made a previous public gaffe in discussing a negative exchange she had with another actress, Charlize Theron last year. Secondly, the person who needs to be checked is that loser husband she’s married to. He should have handled it if there was anything inappropriate going on on Keke’s end.

I’ve shared on the blog Facebook page Tia’s husband is a mostly out of work actor. Tia and Tamera picked him up at a bus stop after a shoot (albeit he had acted on a project with them) and they began dating. They got married in their 20’s.

Hindsight is 20/20. Yet during this time Tia and her sister graduated from Pepperdine University while pursuing their entertainment careers. Hers is the bigger name and she works far more consistently.  The troubling aspect is Cory bragged on an urban radio that his wife married a man with potential and how more black women should keep that in mind. The thing is he has yet to to connect the dots between potential and actually accomplishing something.

Going back to that Brookings study and general observation, it seems this is one of those relationships where the woman married down.

 

Check out those stats: 58% of black women marry men with less education. Black women currently earn about two thirds of bachelor’s degree awarded, 70% of all master’s degrees and more than 60% of doctorates. Black women also hold a majority of all enrollments in law, medical, and dental schools. **Digging a bit further the trend shows more educated black men aren’t marrying black women.

Tia’s overreaction on social media lends to speculation that her husband may have cheated before. They’ve been together for more than a decade and she waited a long time before having a kid. If you watched the Mowry’s cute reality series they showed her struggles in having to return to work six weeks after giving birth. It’s hard for a woman being the main or only breadwinner and that dynamic between black couples (note Tia and Tamera are biracial) is that much more skewed. Nothing’s changed for them but that they’re getting older.

Contrast this with Melissa Harris Perry and husband are paying off a $70K tax lien vs. Kimora Lee Simmons welcoming a son with her new husband vs. Titi Branch’s sister blaming the boyfriend for her suicide. Titi seemed to have a leeching male adding unnecessary strife to her life. Then there’s the latest legal maneuvering from black male rappers, ballers, actors, etc. to alternately claim “poverty” to get out of paying equitable child support AND pursuing sole custody to get out of it entirely. See: Tamika Fuller.

I don’t know that the Hardricts ever put a timeline on his acting career trajectory, but if he was gonna make it “big” shouldn’t it have happened by now? Is there something preventing him from pursuing another career and keep acting as a hobby? The main question is whether they could support themselves financially on his income alone. The sad thing is he can walk away with most of HER money at any time now because they live in California and he’d probably be able to claim spousal AND child support. That’s not “romantic” to think about, but the reality is if you marry and support an underachiever, thanks to societal gains we’ve argued for women are left in the lurch financially.  Who knows if she was shrewd enough to make him sign a prenup? I’m not going to be married to man who doesn’t add value AND who has me struggling financially.

Meanwhile,  Tia’s sister Tamera married a man about three years ago with an established career, educated, who also comes from family money (a Napa winery), and is currently pregnant with their 2nd child. And she’s now co-hosting a talk show after an acting hiatus. Tamera’s life seems much more carefree overall. Women who marry men of means and skills are more able to build generational wealth. At the end of the day, this is still a patriarchal society. The onus is on men to produce. Black women who limit themselves will be the one without a chair when the music stops.

8 comments to Broke Bums Ain’t Cute

  • IvyMades

    Thank you so much for this article! It has been very eye opening.

  • Formavitae

    Sharing as you learn and grow is a MAJOR GIFT to others. Those with wisdom will recognize the value of your contributions and use them to enhance the quality of their lives and the world around them. Those without may scoff and throw your gems away. I grew to understand that Jesus' admonition to "Cast not your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot," has many valid applications and meanings.

    I agree that, "Once you get it, the source materials to support lifestyle achievement are all around us IF we seek it out and are able to recognize it." I really do believe God intended "Wisdom" to be a gift that would enable us to optimize our lives holistically--spiritually, mentally, and physically.

  • Formavitae

    I will be honest and say I didn't watch the vid. However, I COMPLETELY CONCUR with your analysis of this topic.

    You presented EXCELLENT information, I wished I'd received when I was younger. College is a wonderful time and opportunity to find an APPROPRIATE spouse. As AA women/girls, we are frequently encouraged to focus on completing school, getting jobs, and letting God "send" us a husband. Many/most Whites, Asians, etc. are establishing those relationships during the college experience.

    For some reason, AA women are discouraged from looking at (truly) marriage-material men as "potential husbands" and, instead, encouraged to search among males who have no adequate preparation for the responsibilities of marriage and a family to find "husbands". I've personally come to the conclusion that this is because the AA population/"community" does not really consider, acknowledge, or value AA women's needs. They (AA women's needs) don't exist. Our only purpose is to salvage the AA man/male from his misery and struggle in society. That's why AA girls are sent off for education, preparation, and resource-acquisition "finishing", but encouraged not to become involved with others within the environment who are doing the same, so they can return and become resources and life jackets for the resource-less, drowning males who lack ambition and initiative.

    These are both two (three) VERY beautiful and accomplished women. I am happy to see them attain success. But, they do each appear to have differing levels of comfort/challenge, though they are in the higher economic class/entertainment industry.

    I realized that AA women just have to choose what quality of life they want and accept the responsibilities of their decision. Society doesn't freely "offer" us much. So, either we can: be alone, be the "breadwinner"/"rock", or be provided for/protected. Everything we have/do requires HARD WORK--even being "provided for", because we have to overcome so many obstacles to receiving such care that other groups of women don't have placed in their pathway(s).

    However, bums should be avoided AT ALL COSTS.

    I recently heard a news story about a successful, beautiful AA woman who was murdered by her estranged husband. She was a business owner and was to receive an entrepreneurial award the next week. She had filed for a divorce, and her husband shot her and her brother to death. The couple had children. And, the brother also had a child and was planning to purchase a home for his family.

    These "losers" (regardless of color) should never be entertained AT ALL--not even for "marriage". If you try to leave them, they may become desperate to destroy you.

  • Daphne

    I watched Tia and Tamera's reality show, and used to follow the discussion on the now-defunct Television without Pity forum. And let me tell you -- there was a lot of disproportionate dislike towards Tamera for 1) being the "sensitive" one, and 2) marrying Adam. I distinctly remember one delusional woman saying something like, "I don't buy her domestic goddess routine." WTH? Chile…

    Apparently, there were rumors (via Lipstick Alley, though I wasn't familiar with the site at the time) that Adam cheated on her. This was continually mentioned on the forum, I guess to invalidate Adam and Tamera's marriage. No idea if it's true, but she married him, and appears to be living well. There was more than one (presumably black female) poster who consistently harped on why Adam wasn't that great, while hyping Tia's "ambition." Here's the thing, Tia HAD to be the more driven one because she married a man who 1) doesn't have a lick of natural acting talent, and most importantly, 2) isn't savvy enough to navigate the Hollywood scene for more opportunities.

    After their Sister Sister show, Tamera was the one who had the busier career for a bit. Tamera auditioned and lost The Game role to Tia, so it's not like she wasn't out there hustling like Tia was. She had the freedom to take an acting hiatus because she was marrying a man who was established in his own career, had his own money, and ambition. For all of the criticism that Tamera took for being too "emotional," she was actually the wiser of the two in who she married. Now, I don't know Tamera or Adam, and he could be the most bastardly bastard who could ever bastard. But Tamera seems happy in her marriage, and the times I've seen them interact on the show and The Real seem genuine. And more importantly, she's had the space to have children AND figure out where she wanted to take her career. If The Real doesn't pan out long-term, she won't have to worry about putting food on the table for her family because her husband has "potential." Even if Tamera and Adam's marriage doesn't last, you can bet your bottom dollar that she and her children will be financially taken care of.

    If my memory serves, Tia expressed desire for another child on the show. I wouldn't be surprised if they've held off due to potential financial strain (mind you, it's a wise decision if so). I think she has some Nickelodeon show, but I've never watched it, and don't know if it's still on.

    Plus, I also believe there was some underlying resentment and envy from Tia towards Tamera, and it probably had a lot to do with the fact that Tamera had the more carefree life due to her marriage. I've always suspected that they stopped the show after three seasons because their dysfunctional dynamic was becoming more and more apparent, and it made Tia in particular look bad.

    Anyway, it was interesting to follow the discussion, as some people do not like to see a carefree biracial (who identifies as black) woman, and actually sided with Tia when she was being emotionally manipulative and shady towards Tamera. Watching the show definitely opened my eyes to their dynamic, and I'm not much of a Tia fan at all. I'd not heard about her coming for Keke Palmer, but I'm not surprised. I think both women had their own insecurities, but Tamera was the only one who was upfront about her issues. Which is fair, a lot of black women keep their vulnerabilities close to the vest, but Tia struck me as someone who would not dare admit her frailties, all the while being annoyed with Tamera for wearing her heart on her sleeve. Girl, bye. We all have life challenges, it's all about the grace and resilience in which you can face them.

    Also, Tamera was shown having more emotional support via her friends. I can't say that Tia has no (non-actor) friends, but it's interesting that NONE of them were ever shown.

    As for Corey and Tia, something always seemed off about their dynamic to me. He reminds me of some men who are quick with a joke or barb, but are emotionally immature. Tia clearly led that relationship, but watching them on the show, I'd sometimes gotten the impression that she wasn't comfortable with that.