I was wondering if any “larger” than thick sisters have more trouble than their skinny counter parts when it comes to dating men of different races? Do you find that when white, asian, indian or hispanic men choose a black mate she’s either skinny or thick? Do the big girls find it harder to date outside of their race? Are they considered less attractive? If so, why?
Read our conversation and my take on what can be a contentious subject after the jump…..
We need to establish a few key points since some of the BWE bloggers have made it a point to mention and actively encourage black women to get their weight to a manageable size not simply to “catch a man” but for health purposes. We do need to be considerate but realistic because the only ones who suffer from soft-pedaling core issues are often the black women who can afford it the least. Due to such tendencies to back away from examining things fully it’s very easy to get defensive. It’s one reason why I have been very cautious about what and if I say anything about it.
Sometimes we’re more focused on throwing out objections. Not to mention the over-generalization and blatant misrepresentation some of us have engaged in when discussing our size. Yes, there will always be exceptions and defending ourselves is a natural response to something that needles us. Inevitably that is the sticking point for many women who may shut down, especially those influenced heavily in the indoctrination zone of the “dead” black community. Especially when it comes to “rainbow dating”.
We have to be able to get past the rudimentary head-in-sand or hand-on-hip response if we are to continue growing. How we as women view each other is also something to give thought to. The women participating in that conversation are seeking heterosexual relationships so I have to ask why do we rely so much on the opinion of other women about our appeal to men? We’re not dating each other! As much as we may think highly of each other, the bottom line is the mate a woman is seeking has much more weight (yup I’m throwing out the puns) when it comes to whom he finds most appealing to begin with – and likewise.
I’m not interested in tearing any woman down. Nor coddling her to an early grave. I think very few of us are actually all that confused about what we need to do, but we may not have made it a priority or think it’s possible to fit certain standards when our collective and individual images have been devalued for so long. It simply feels like we’re being rejected on a whole (if the focus is on rainbow men) when we’re “accepted” by men of a similar background. More likely there’s a larger group dynamic at place where certain males on the decline will accept women they’d reject if they were in the dominant position.
There is a certain amount of healing and inner work that must take place as we expand our dating choices and perspectives, moving mentally and physically into new zones. Then there’s the inevitable work and extension of efforts that are required to get there. You know..the less pleasant aspects from having a reality check and making the necessary adjustments. If we choose. We basically need to find a single home, career, life partner, etc. (but always many streams of income/asset development) to satisfy our needs at major junctures of our lives but to get to that we need as many options as possible.
On the flip side of this debate is a question I asked: if the shoe was on the other foot would we (assuming we’re coming from a healthy self-esteem and relationship outlook) be clamoring for similarly-situated men and would we accept the reasoning for their condition? What would our standards be? The bottom line is who wants to scrounge for scraps in a dumpster when you can be seated at the head of the banquet like the Queens you are?
I’ll be away today but leave a comment, talk amongst yourselves and if you’re a new participant to this blog give me some time to approve your message. Thanks!