This is a wonderful opportunity to step back, assess the current landscape and act accordingly. Clearly black women are still so interested in reinforcing the idea of the black family with a black husband as head. of household. There’s a difference between what many want and the behavior of those that would comprise the necessary component for these relationships. If black males as a collective aren’t interested in strengthening communities, honoring women and protecting the family unit (or don’t know how to) this is a moot argument and magical thinking on the part of black women to continuing expecting something from those who are incapable of providing it.
Of course setting aside that one exception or those who are making genuine efforts black women need to ask themselves if those initiatives and exceptions are stemming the onslaught of negativity or bringing other wayward males “home”?
That would be a “no”.
That’s the reality.
There are those who are interested in self-serving endeavors or navel-gazing and those who wish to spend all their resources to counteract that – as well those who learn through trial and error to protect themselves from outside vultures.
So if you haven’t run away screaming then proceed after the jump.
Before anyone deploys mock outrage at the comparison let’s break things down.
- Steady supply of women and children.
- The enforcement of male privilege.
- The reinforcement of barriers to keep people silent.
- The public shaming tactics and denial.
- The failure of the leadership at addressing the abuse.
Some of the latest complaints are from those who claim singer Kelis is getting “too much” money in her divorce settlement from rapper Nas. Mind you, they choose to ignore the fact that he was caught hiding assets and owes her for back child support. I have not seen similar grumblings levied at Shawn Southwick who is the soon-to-be ex-wife of Larry King. That attitude from certain people displays a willful ignorance of the basic rights that fall under marriage and child care provisions - but also indicates many wish to allow privileges without responsibility.
It also indicates a lack of respect for certain women to be denied basic protections that must be maintained in a patriarchal society. This harkens back to those that claimed Rihanna “asked for it” when she was nearly beaten to death by singer Chris Brown. The black male is never at fault for his own choices – but is always a victim of a vast white supremacy conspiracy that holds him back.
The message of indoctrination is for black females to ignore certain obvious established parameters for males in society to be achievers and highly functioning. We’re supposed to automatically give any random male the benefit of the doubt simply because he is black. The implied message is if we cut them slack they’ll eventually live up to someone’s expectations. The payoff is supposed to be in then landing this male as a mate.
Of course that doesn’t indicate this male is suitable or ameniable. That expectation is usually hoisted on higher-achieving women as well. The random males in question run the gamut from those who’ve run afoul with the law to those who have other life circumstances that would be a deterrent. While it may be true we all have to start somewhere and build a life this push is almost always one of great imbalance where the woman is expected to lower her standards. Males that are considered successful are not pressured into considering women who are ill-suited for them.
It has even extended to those that are still trying to use the Michelle/Barack early years as the template for a black male’s “potential”. The entire template has been skewed. Like the fact that the president chose to be a community organizer to build his political platform. It was part of a plan that led him to his current position. Which occurred after he’d transferred to an Ivy League school and completed Harvard Law.
It ignores the deliberate planning, delayed gratification and focus employed by someone who wanted to be successful but also wanted to be married to a black woman his equal (some would say better). Obama actually worked in economically disadvantaged areas a.k.a. the hood. He was being frugal instead of taking on more debt like buying a new car he couldn’t afford. His potential wasn’t so much a risk for others to assess but rather a matter of timing. He wasn’t a parolee, didn’t live with his momma or have children out of wedlock. He was articulate and well-educated with an advanced degree from a premier university. Those that argue a black woman took a chance on him are only digging a hole for others who don’t even come close to fitting his profile.
Is this a harsh analysis? Perhaps but look at what’s at stake:
Black males have the highest unemployment rate of any group in the US. One could look to structural racism as a cause. Or one could look at the drop-out rate of African-American males. One could also ask why so many glorify criminals (like Scarface) and excuse criminality. As well as ask why all the other (famous) “successful” black males have not joined together with the Civil Rights orgs (who are alwas first to defend the criminality) to address this? If you can’t take care of your own why would you expect others to?
Then there’s the stats from the CDC covering out the out of wedlock, never married and HIV rates being the highest for black women in the US. If it their “fault” for choosing poorly as many would claim and they’re overwhelmingly “choosing” black males (thanks to indoctrination and false ideas of “preferences” that isn’t reciprocated) then what does that say about the overall quality of the majority male population? These things don’t occur in a vacuum.
Coupled with “The Posers”, those males that claim to be influencers, experts and in-the-know about black women’s lifestyles and pathologies, we have a volatile mix of obfuscation and abdication of responsibility. The black community is sinking and we don’t have time to let other people continue to speak on our behalf who are deniers, obfuscators and idiots quite frankly. There’s a big difference between diverse perspectives and utter foolishness. There are those people working against us for their own profit and it’s time they were called out. We also have to stop supporting those who give nothing in return while boldly demanding all of our resources.
All of those black males offering faulty advice and scathing critiques of black women while hawking a product to sell to you is a slap on top of a violation. Other women and non-blacks now feel entitled to do so as well. So it really becomes a question of who values you and how are they showing that?
This conversation needs to be had – not so that black women can continue being invested or hunting high and low for loose change at the beach. This is so women can pull their resources out of wishing wells and bottomless pits and instead put them in high-yield ventures. Or at the very least keep them in-house for personal use.
There’s a counterpoint fantasy that has led to certain choices as well: those black males who seek out non-black or marginally black women to feel good about themselves. This may have sharply increased post-Civil Rights but it has occurred for as long as blacks have been in this country. This has occurred since the time indentured servants volunteered, through forced enslavement and will continue into infinity. They like to imagine they have the same status as others, particularly white men by doing so. So we have those that want to move away into escapism from one end to the other but it’s black women who continue to get the short end of the stick as long as they continue to select the Joker card.
When I use the term DBR (damaged beyond repair) coined by blog host Evia of Black Female Interracial Ezine it is to describe a series of increasingly degenerate behavior employed by certain men. I’ve longed for a national sage-burning ceremony or whatever it takes to purge many of their self-defeating behaviors and wounds but I draw the line when they chose to lash out at others. If a significant number of women spend a majority of their time in the proximity of or are being influenced by these men they will be conditioned to think this hatred (and indoctrination) is normal instead of abnormal.
Men that express their disdain for women should be taken at their word. From history we see how thoughts expressed becomes deeds. Propaganda reinforced by the media can have a life altering impact. There’s a specific racialized misogyny and sexism being levied at black women by black males. Other groups of people have taken notice of this for years but are now bold enough to participate. There are no consequences in place when others have remained silent, misdirected conversations, obfuscate a course of action or simply pretend it isn’t happening. When the mere mention of these things elicits a response – to be quiet about it or diminish its impact - it shows a failure to follow the behavior of thriving societies.
The depravity starts of at a miniscule level and increases until it overtakes like a deadly disease. It’s akin to dating or domestic violence where boundaries are crossed inch by inch long before the first blow is struck. An immediate payoff for relief means a much higher price yet paid awaits down the road. While it may be true DBR (damage beyond repair) males and some females exist amongst all groups they are not actively protected by anyone else except within the black community. Narcissism, violence and sociopathology are all the earmarks of a DBR.
Review the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog. Just because some men choose to sting some women doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest to let the scorpion run free. It doesn’t make the scorpion any less a scorpion. It will adapt to being selective about who it chooses to sting when it knows it may do so with impunity. It will never cease to release its venom into someone though bcause that is its nature. There’s no conversion from this – only eliminating the threat. Other communities understand this. They don’t make excuses for or glorify it in song, on film or at the pulpit.
Well, no one else except perhaps the Catholic Church and their love of supporting child rapist priests. It’s 2010 and the Pope has finally indicated in writing the clergy should report violators to the authorities. The Vatican has untold wealth from their “acquisition” of priceless works of art. As well as their historical support for things like the Trans-Atlantic slave trade. After years of denials, secret payouts and stalling tactics the Infallible Ones have finally admitted some of them are devils wearing angels’ clothing. It’s a little too late for any real consequences for past betrayals but perhaps some future children (and nuns apparently) can be saved. I think a warmer spot in hell is reserved for those who use people’s desire to connect with a spiritual belief system to harm them just as I believe those who see destructive forces but do nothing belong right next to them.
This is about addressing the majority scenario whereby males are abusing women and children. Not arguing about semantics or exceptions. Either you are part of the solution or part of the problem. Pick a side and act accordingly.