Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive ~ Sir Walter Scott, the Scottish historian and novelist created this quote that has been mistakenly attributed to Shakespeare from time to time.
Any discussion around black pathology and dysfunction (as with the continued heated push-back against No Wedding No Womb) is certain to bring out the denier/liar brigade. Some are playing both sides of the fence. Some have been too lazy to even read the essays at the site and make overarching statements skewing information or add chaos with their emotional reaction. Some are far too invested in protecting the rights of misogynists but claim correctly identifying them and expecting accountability for their aggression is hate. Some are overly concerned about what outsiders think. Their focus then becomes about shutting down all productive talk in the hopes to sweep the pathology under the rug. Here’s the problem with that reasoning: outsiders ALREADY KNOW! They’re even using it to their advantage in many cases. So it’s best to disabuse people of the notion that silence works when it has the same effect as letting mold grow unattended.
From my observation I may need to amend my initial dismay at the obstructionists being given an open forum because it has further clarified the position of those who speak so eloquently on racism and gender parity but are fundamentally opposed to black women being free agents and putting their needs first.
Freedom is being in full control of your reproductive choices, your body, your heart and mind – having the self-respect and self-esteem to make sound life-affirming choices and enjoying reciprocal relationships.
Black women who do not expand their dating/mating options to ALL men and distinguish for caliber will continue to scrape the bottom of the barrel when it comes to their options. You do not owe the community, an ideology or some random person the best years of your life or lower the bar for the type of life you (and your potential children) need for the comfort of others.
It has been interesting to note how some have used all that rope they were given to hang themselves. Of course some interested parties to chaos insist there’s no such thing as global warming. Yet we see the effects all around us. The same thing applies to the chaos within the black community.
There are lines being drawn in the sand and it has been surprising to see who has taken which side. Every original participant who submitted their perspectives for No Wedding No Womb do not share the same outlook. What has become crystal clear is how many were humble enough to set aside their personal agenda for the overall benefit of dispensing information so individuals could make up their own minds (the obvious suspect would-be infiltrators will not be lost in the mix though).
Since NWNW has garnered such attention the push-back from a few mercenaries for limited choices have been loud but not successful in thwarting our efforts. In fact they have brought further scrutiny on themselves and their motives. While I cannot speak on behalf of the roughly 100 participants I can speak about the core efforts of those don’t want black women and children to continue being experimented on with stalling measures and failed tactics. What has become equally apparent are the divided loyalties and confusion that is running through the minds of so many black women. They can’t even see how destructive they are being in not supporting the interests of black women.
NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR LIFE THAN YOU
People have argued against the value of marriage – because of their personal negative experiences or being unfamiliar from having been raised by a never-married parent. Since the majority of black men and women in this country are ALREADY NOT MARRIED it has already been devalued. The question is who’s holding the cards in their refusal to marry and how by virtue of the inadequate partnering chosen has had to accept it? At this point external obstacles (joblessness, etc) may be cited as a reason as it has been for the past 4 decades but since no leader who claims to work on behalf of blacks has resolved it, the time has come for black women to expand their dating and mating options. They should not have to limit themselves based on the poor performance of others.
I haven’t seen a genuine discussion about concerns over the policy misfires of the 1980-90’s related to low income women seeking government assistance. That would be a good starting point to base arguments about the current trends – but they should never replace good old-fashioned common sense. Instead some black women have actively been trying to undermine a reorder of a status quo that has already failed!
Marriage isn’t at fault – it’s what people bring into the relationship that brings value or chaos. No relationship comes with a warranty but choosing wisely increases the odds for success. The history of marriage regarding blacks in this country is entirely different than for whites and other non-blacks. Just as we discuss the denial of legal rights for LGBTs now, so it was once with those enslaved. They valued their legal unions. Today’s generation spits on it – like many things we’ve moved away from to assert independence from common sense. A return to values where black girls are taught their worth and in recognizing affirming choices is so far removed from the imagination of many it’s as if we’re from different planets.
Every relationship has certain value: friendship, professional alliances and most importantly the relationship with self. No one is going to convince me that two people who are mature and focused and open to adjustments as needed cannot have a successful relationship. Some may not see the benefit of marriage but the benefits that come with it are tangible, noted and written into our tax codes. Until and unless someone changes an infrastructure supported by the majority of society that has been well-established since Day ZERO to accommodate the whims of a minority why oppose something that may help you?
Emotionally charged reactions are an indication of underlying dysfunction. Unresolved issues of notions held by others are not your responsibility to solve. There are a few other conversation stalling tactics used around the organizer’s marriage to a white man, the language and tone of discussion, not liking certain essays and some making ridiculous assumptions by using exceptions to replace the typical. Also known as strawman arguments you can scroll through Derailing For Dummies close your eyes and point to one and it’s been used.
This is why I and a few black women bloggers have been chipping away limiting, defeatist attitudes and tried to get others to expand their perception of reality.The shift in reality opens an entire new world beyond what many are familiar with. It also serves as a reminder of certain values that may have been subjugated by external pressure to conform. That conformity benefits everybody else: feeds grown males who don’t work, supports extended families who’ve failed to plan, supports the careers of “entertainers” who put you down, scrambles to fill in voids, lets the so-called male leaders off the hook for accountability to the community, keeps young girls searching for partners in the kiddie pond instead of an ocean and leaves women and children vulnerable to attack in unsafe residential areas.
There are studies that indicate your income and assets are similar to your five closest friends. The same could be said for every aspect of your life. The people you allow in your life do have an impact.
People are assuming they can count on the government to continue programs that were designed to be stop-gap measures. When the top 1% of the wealthiest are not paying their proportionate share of taxes the burden falls to the Middle Class which is being squeezed out. That leaves the Working Class who are going to move up or sink and the Underclass which is relying heavily on receiving benefits. The Armchair Intelligentsia will not voluntarily pay higher taxes or come out in droves to run these programs, watch other people’s kids or finance the lives of others. Not only can they not afford it but they don’t want the responsibility. They want to navel gaze – not let the buck stop with them. They’ve had 40 years to do so.
Some have complained about those options extended to black women dating and marrying interracially. Again, this is about keeping the resources of these women (present and future) under their control. Why would you want to let others dictate your movement and your freedom to choose the life you want?
The reality is some lower-income people DO need to think about the long-term. Education and career choices become paramount in being able to move through life with ease. In this economic climate everyone needs to rethink their objectives. This is why partnering takes on such a high level of importance even if children are not involved. We need companionship and support. We want someone we can rely on in our time of need.
There will always be those who march to beat of their own drummer. They don’t try to dictate what defines a woman under narrow guidelines. We’re seeking to elevate the status of black women to move beyond:
Guard-Dog – for other people’s battles and intentionally removing options they don’t either agree with or want for other black women
Mule – read Zora Neal Hurston for reference
Mammy – like Old Yeller it’s time to take her out in back and you know what
Sister Solider – Promotes black love without actually defining that and purposefully ignoring the reality that BW outnumber BM 3-to-1 and women who don’t want to settle for less, man-share or be alone MUST look outside the racial wasteland. They also want to fight law enforcement over shooting (often criminal) black males, fight some long-passed slight and talk about slavery as if it just ended yesterday. Meanwhile black males are dating, marrying and sharing ALL of their resources with the daughters of their “oppressors”.
Denier – All we need is more government assistance, when women get equal pay (the old excuse was when the ERA passes), if more people mentored, if pixie dust and unicorns fell from the sky…THEN we’d have our utopia. Sure and no one would ever have to take responsibility for their choices either. That’s wishful thinking not reality.
NONE OF THE PONTIFICATORS HAS OFFERED ANY LEGITIMATE SOLUTION-ORIENTED GOALS
Nor will they. Why would this be any different than the series of other people who’ve allowed the OOW birth rate to reach almost complete saturation since 1965? Play time is over! This should have been addressed in 1965 when it was around 30%. The last CDC report from 2006 had it at 70%. The 2011 Report will also show an increase (at the current expansion rates it could be as high as 83%). Then what will they say? I sometimes wonder if AAs would rather see our demise than go through the painful process of healing. Far too many simply react to their unresolved trigger issues and never use discernment.
The Armchair Intelligentsia is counting on someone else to carry the load. Meanwhile any corrective measurements that would result from young black girls deciding they want to do things differently would successfully be thwarted. Some women are mad that they didn’t get vital information in a timely fashion and would rather keep their counterparts locked in the cage with them than setting them free. They settled and are miserable, they’ve been waiting and are miserable, they think protecting any black male regardless of behavior will ignite a utopia and return to innocence, they are ashamed of some aspect of themselves and have done little to acknowledge or resolve any of it. People who simply don’t agree move on to continue their lives. Some have taken a special focus on fighting this but ignore those who have actively denigrated other black women.
Surprisingly (well not really considering the larger ramifications) there has barely been any push-back from black males because so few participated percentage-wise to begin with. One might assess that as further proof of apathy – which is why black women need to ensure their relationships are reciprocal across the board. Sometimes quality is better than quantity.
Don’t wait and let your life pass you by, struggling and not experiencing the joys life has to offer because you let other people put you in a box.