I was doing some behind-the-scenes work and found a link that led me to “The White Man’s Guide To Dating Black Women” by Adam White. He’s a white male advising other white men on getting to know black women as women first. Imagine that! The blogger on the thread that had listed the book has an issue with the author’s use of the word “taste” but that’s focusing on semantics, not content. It was published in 1999 after all. Here’s one excerpt I liked where he discusses how the onus should be on white men.
“Inviting black women into your life requires that you clear out the subconscious mental driftwood that has accumulated to form a logjam in the back of your mind that operates to immobilize your thoughts and actions when you should be taking advantage of opportunities to become better acquainted with black women.”
(In other words..stop making assumptions and get rid of preconceived but unproven notions about who black women are and aren’t)
***The most resourceful black women will NOT wait for that to happen though. I think this may have been a bigger issue for men in his social circle and age group given the date the book was published. I’m guestimating he’s an East-Coast Upper Middle Class gentleman in his 50’s now.
“Before you can clear away those obstructions, however, you must recognize them as obstructions that interfere with your social life, because recognizing them as obstructions gives you an incentive to clear them out.”
(In other words…white males are their own worst enemies in declaring “there are no BW out there for me”)
Now…ladies take that excerpt and flip the script, because this isn’t necessarily happening very often. It’s more that black women are putting up road blocks. If you stop the knee-jerk Black Love Fascism and White Males Are All Racist/Only Want To Have Sex With You bashing you might evaluate an individual by their own merits. Equally problematic is the “woe is me, we must overcome being downtrodden” attitude some women have decided to saddle themselves with. They want you to feel that black women have “extra” extra burdens in life.
Now, while it may be true many of us need to compensate for indoctrination and other ailments that have permeated the dead black communities we may have been influenced by, that in no way means we are deficient at our core. External circumstances may have bruised some, while others have mental blocks to get rid of. That’s not the same thing as saying there’s something inherently wrong with black women, specific to black women alone.
That’s as false a conclusion as the world being flat! It’s another bit of a defeatist toxin to keep black women twisted in knots instead of focused on their game plans at achieving great things in life and having satisfying personal relationships. Let it all go! That’s a bit too much for some of you because of all those bags you’re carrying. Just because Badu hasn’t taken her own advice doesn’t mean she wasn’t right.
If you realize you and you alone are imposing dating limitations on yourself thanks to black community (read that as serving black male interests at keeping you in non-reciprocating interactions) propaganda you can take steps to “set down your load”.
FYI – ALL HETERO MEN ARE LOOKING TO HAVE SEX WITH THE EASIEST WOMEN THEY CAN FIND
That’s why YOU should employ standards and boundaries. That are tested – often! He also wrote a book directed specifically at black women. If it isn’t obvious by now that the majority of black women in this country have been had by the black males they been discarded by and used (cue the STATS 70%+++ of the socially unacceptable results I’ve covered repeatedly) for sex (oh my) AND abandoned you are clearly living in an alternative universe or propagating a LIE.
Of course some of you will feel bereft without your fake security blanket. That’s why you’ll replace something that isn’t working and stop letting fear rule with something better. Through trial and error and taking a leap of faith you will move on.
If both parties make a concentrated effort at getting to know one another we will see an uptick in communication. This will lead to seeing each other as just another regular person whom you may share common interests with and find attractive. You may be able to say, “I know a great lady/guy you’d hit it off with. Let me introduce you.”
Compatibility will lead to dating. Dating to marriage. And so on.
I find Adam White has made an interesting position and it would certainly help take some of angst away from many BW who are already apprehensive about not being approached. One thing he might want to look into updating is how a lot of misinformation (okay blatant lies) are being told about BW to WM by BM to dissuade them from dating and marrying BW.
It’s funny to me how much human nature does not change. I’ve been following the ongoing debates amongst writers regarding whether they should continue focusing on the New York publishing houses and follow the same model that’s broken down and soon to die out OR whether they should take the reigns of their careers and livelihood by self-publishing e-books.
The responses are fairly identical to the conversations we have in forums that espouse BWE messaging.
- The “I don’t want things to change even as I’m being used and abused.”
- The “How do I know if this new way will work?”
- The “I won’t try it unless I have a guarantee.”
- The “You’re the exception.”
- The “We don’t know if you’re as happy as you claim to be making different choices.”
- The “I might give it a try but I don’t want to have to do anything.”
- The “If it doesn’t work out I’ll be caught with my pants down.”
And so on. I thought about tying the two with this post in particular because if you will note, the author self-published his book, albeit the dead tree version. I think he’d make a killing if he formatted the book to work with e-readers and sell it upwards of $2.99 on Amazon, as is the current advice being offered from authors selling fiction.
Yes..that was a BIG hint!
I’d like to read the rest of the book and although I don’t own a Kindle yet (I’m waiting for the price to drop even further this year) but I can download the app to my Blackberry. Paper books are so 2000-Late, lol.
We’ve got to keep up with the changing world or be left behind.